Insecurities & Roles

At peak pandemic, I would wake up hung over and drag myself to the bathroom mirror, and stare resentfully at myself. Why? Because I felt so awful, so depressed and frustrated at the world and my life, but my face still looked youthful and bright. It was so miserable to see a lie reflected at me. Now I feel a little better because for the moment, at least I get to dabble at trying to do what makes me happy. But conversely, I can see my face aging. Something about my skin and my hairline, somewhere in all of that, I feel like I look my age now, rather than the previous constant of five years younger. Or maybe I just look like I am in my late twenties rather than mid- to early twenties, and that is the frustration. Or I look fine. Or properly moisturizing my skin looks bad to me. Who knows. I am just unused to feeling insecure about my looks. In the past, I had assurance that my insecurities could be fixed. Bad teeth? Braces. Bad vision? Contact lenses. Bad body? Work out. I am not sure about the skin, but the hairline can be fixed, as can the worsening vision, and potentially the body can also be improved as well, but all of these things come with a price tag.

I have my first in-person audition in ages tomorrow. I have the lines mostly memorized, but I am struggling to pinpoint the mentality of the role, so we will see what I have settled on by the audition time. I also have two self-tape commercial auditions which, unlike the real acting roles, would be likely to pay a decent amount. And I have a trip to Costa Rica planned for next year, so decent pay would be great to allow me to get eye surgery while I am there, so I can fix one of my problems. The bad vision legitimately gets in the way of work when I have to put in colored contacts, which is the plan in three weeks when I play an alien creature.