Squiggly Line

Awhile ago, a friend who is still in his first few years of marriage told me something that I had not considered before. He said that being married does not stop you from feeling lonely. I had never considered the possibility of a life without the loneliness, but that is partially because I have not considered a long-term romantic relationship to be a realistic possibility in the near future. But the time is likely to come, at some point, when I will let myself think in those terms. And with the wisdom of my friend in mind, I need to keep expectations relatively low, realizing that those last feelings that crawl into my mind late at night, those ones that remind me of how vastly bereft I am of companionship in this world, those feelings will remain no matter what changes I undergo in life.

There were many times in the past when I was so close to God that those thoughts did not besiege me, but that was also before the mid-20's subclinical depression set in. It was when I knew considerably less about life and faith and the nature of things. It was when I leaned heavily into my creative side rather than my scientific side. When the creative side dominated, I kept myself in a careful balance. As soon as I had any sort of personal or spiritual issue, I would take care of it. My friends would tell me of their struggles, and I could never relate, because when I found a problem, I generally solved it within myself by the end of the day.

Unlike in the past, however, I retain problems. I sometimes recognize weaknesses and allow them to coexist with my strengths, rather than eradicating those faults. This began partly as an attempt to relate to every human, but also as a result of becoming a better academic. The mental shift to deal with emotional or spiritual difficulties rather than focusing on the present work to be done frequently felt too great to properly address while still maintaining discipline with my studies. In a similar vein, the further I have progressed into medicine, the more I have treated my spiritual or emotional difficulties as illnesses to be dealt with quickly and efficiently so that they do not distract me overmuch.

Thus do I have this struggle. The best, happiest, most fulfilled version of me is the missionary. But that version of me requires maintenance that I have not consistently been willing to manage. And frankly, I do not know if I can go back to my previous management techniques while still being as proficient an academic as I am (and let us recall that I am not exactly an exemplary student as it is). I feel both sides of me beckoning with their own allures, and I feel as if I need them both to some degree, but to do both would require walking this squiggly line that I do not feel capable of ambulating, not without something giving way.