Either Or

My sister's dog was injured tonight. As the medically trained person present, I was asked to assess the dog, and the swollen left shoulder was enough for me to recommend taking it to a vet. It turned out that she (the dog) has a broken shoulder, collapsed lung, and some other life-threatening internal damage that would require surgery.

Unfortunately, one of the veterinarian offices that was googled was the one at which my one-time crush works. What was once a pleasant memory has now become a thing to avoid. She has started to appear in my dreams sometimes. It is always a casual thing. I see her at a bar or something, and I immediately brush over things. After all, it would be dumb to bring up any of the issues in the letters I wrote but never sent when I had become frustrated with her. Speaking of which, those are still in my car in sealed envelopes that I should throw away. Yes, at once point, I must have thought that expressing myself in whole would be a wise idea. There is a reason why I have not dated; I am too intense. Apparently.

I thought of texting her about the dog. But then I would break my childish agreement to not be the one to text her first. I stopped texting her the funny tweets and things of that nature because it truly does take time for me to discover those, and, well, she kind of hurt me, however unintentionally. The problem is that I never got the chance to know her well enough to assume the absolute best in her, so her accidental cruelty cannot be excused quite so casually as can, say, the dear friend who (technically) sexually assaulted me.

I am currently filled with whiskey and I can say with some surety that I would not want to fully feel the potential feelings that may be present now. As much as I was taught to abhor it, and as much harm as it does to the body on so many levels, alcohol helps me to tolerate being alive. I hope to replace it with people, which is a major reason why I wish to move back to Arkansas, where dear friends reside.

I wrote a poem today about the devasation wreaked when someone like me likes a girl. It. Is. Dumb. The highs were high but th elows that follow are so, so very low. And the worst part is probably that I consider her to be such a worse person.Every human should be overestimated in the highest regard, yet here I am disliking an intelligent and beautiful woman simply because we flirted with the idea of being together.

Anyway, I hope that these issues resolve somehow. Or that I just die soon. Either,  or, I guess.