Where Are They Now

I hung out with some old friends last night. In the midst of reevaluating myself, I have continued to be hit with the question of whether this version of me at a given time is the real me. A portion of that is the introvert thing, the sudden realization that you are around people whose company seemed pleasant enough, but at that moment much of what is in you just wants to leave right then and write out some expression is going on inside you.

I remember being surprised by these friends over the years. Rather than leave to pursue a conventional university education, most of them went to a school for ministry. It was there that they experienced some disillusionment regarding the ins and outs of ministry, and seemed to come out if it the worse for wear. They picked up smoking (normal enough, I know, but we all know better), casual dating, and an overall loose sense of morality. I am likable enough that my more strict rules on myself never really came up as an issue, but perhaps unfortunately, it contributed to my suppression of the voice of the Holy Spirit. These friends had once spoken of God's close interaction and direction in our lives in a fairly casual way, because it really was regular practice, but those topics seem to have fallen by the wayside over these years. Perhaps it is because I only visit so often, and the visits have decreased, so I only get snapshots. But we all used to be more purposeful, even through our doubts, and I miss that.

I certainly drifted. My time on the island pushed me further than I could wish, as has the past year, but I do not think I veered nearly as far as my peers. And those that have not veered off seem to have missed out on learning valuable lessons in empathy and appreciating alternative views that are necessarily involved in the process of living life outside of a ministry capacity.

The science department at my Christian university heavily emphasized that we do not know things for sure; we instead take the evidence available and form the best possible conclusion for it, all the while wrestling with the effects that this would have on our own personal beliefs. I had professors who, despite believing otherwise, would still argue in favor of the possibility of a flat earth in order to underscore the importance of realizing that our current answer is not categorically the "right" answer.

While backpacking in Europe, I couchsurfed with a university student who was only able to attend the university because it was sponsored by her government. There were times when I was tempted to overstay my time in Europe as an illegal immigrant. I have a friend whose dad's stay on this planet was extended for several more years after a leukemia diagnosis because of Obamacare. Another friend in college would later get his masters in theology and is now a somewhat prominent speaker for young LGBTQ Christians.

One thing that still shocks me most is dating. Even my friends who stuck closely with Jesus over the years had approaches that strike me as being very odd. On the guy's end, how could you date someone without asking for and receiving specific approval from God? Even aside from the fear of divorce, which is admittedly a very real dread within me, you risk so much every time. Your friend groups, and, depending on a variety of factors, your families too are joined based on that relationship. If it is an unpleasant breakup, you and that girlfriend become exes whose friend groups and many life experiences, along with time invested, become severed. I have friends now that I likely would not have retained had I dated them. Overlying all of this, of course, is that as Christians, we gave our lives to Jesus. Why do we only look for red flags, when green lights are what should guide us? Getting coffee or drinks with someone and getting to know them is normal enough, but if you throw a romantic commitment label on that... I mean, if God no longer spoke to us, then sure, whatever, but Jesus gave us a direct line to learn His will straight from the source. Then again, I am such a specific human, and my calling (as I perceive it), is similarly so specific, that I cannot imagine choosing to do life with someone unless I am absolutely positive. Long distance travel, bad weather, loss of sleep, and an ability to function well as we listen to the voice of God are all important. An ability to look past oneself in order to recognize and fulfill need...

Anyway, I do ramble on. It is currently my day off, with a little less than three weeks until I retake the Step 1 exam. Tonight, I get to attend a Christmas party. Tomorrow, I will hopefully be refreshed enough to hit it hard with studying. And maybe, just maybe, I will soon be able to live life in such a way as to stay out of my own head overmuch.