The Change I Could Be

Our behavioral science professor briefly talked about anxiety today. We only just finished epidemiology and biostatistics (not that bad if you have a real professor for it), but he went into the topic just a little bit. He showed a chart and said that anxiety is very good for the exam. Too little and you are too confident, but just enough and you study hard. Then he mentioned the one where every day when you wake up, you dread preparing for the exam because the anxiety has gotten so bad. And that's the category I was in.

And seeing it plotted out a little kinda shook me for a moment. I've genuinely been in a terrible place. I haven't been able to bring myself to study after class (every other student does). I waste time getting frustrated at the slow internet at my apartment (really though) and then maybe watch a little of a sketchy pharm video.

So as I jogged today, I remembered that I am not good enough. I never have been. No matter how far I've come, I don't pretend that any of it is due to my own inborn talents and abilities. No skill set has really come easily, except perhaps entertaining. But (and this is the point I tend to miss) that does not mean that I am automatically aiming for failure. Just because success isn't possible doesn't mean that I cannot be successful, unless I'm working on my own. I have to do better than my best, because that is what is required. I need to find that line, that point of limitation in what I am capable or willing to do, and then take a big step past it, and assess from there how much further I can push.

Because that guy in Uganda back in 2012 who didn't have proper healthcare despite being in a hospital, or any others that I encountered there, they may be dead or dying by now. But if I could be there, if I could throw a sphere of experience and influence and professional education into that mix, those people could live. I could be that change. And I must, because there are so very few who are determined to be such.

So as I enter into the more difficult portions of this study program, it is time to change my habits. Study in coffee shops for internet if need be. Caffeine rather than naps. Because despite the resignation that tomorrow's ceremony will drive in, I need to continue on. Because when those nukes hit, I want to be prepared to be an asset in this post-apocalyptic wasteland.