Overwhelmed In A Vacant Space

MCAT has been completed as of Tuesday. Since then, I have spent a day at the neurologist's office, where I will hopefully have a job soon, then a day at the lakehouse for the 4th of July with family, and drove to Arkansas on the 5th to become refreshed by the company of friends.

And having frank conversations with the friend I have been closest to while I was attending JBU, it was refreshing to hear echoes of my own thoughts and struggles. He opened up with asking how I could tell what God wants me to do. I gave a long-winded answer, essentially telling him that whenever I've felt like God is speaking to me, I've held onto that, and though I've been open to Him changing His plans. As long as you're trying to obey God, He tends to push you in the right direction.

Now, I'm in an exciting/horrible time period. I have a month until I find out how I did on the MCAT. Until then, I'm just here, trying to plan for anything. If I don't make it in this year, if my scores are just awful, I'll have more freedoms in some ways, but also less in other ways. I can work for longer and gain more experience, possibly travel more (though rumor has it that full-time jobs don't let you do that as much as you want), and read and write and all the things I love. But that will be another year (or however much time) until I can help those people. I can be content wherever God has me, but it does weigh on me strongly sometimes. Every moment here is a moment they don't receive healing.

There are other things I'd love to do too, of course. Become a mascot for another sport, or work at Disney World, or work as a full-time missionary, or just go back-packing through Europe, through Asia, through South America.

It's the idea of having all sorts of opportunities, being intensely aware of my weaknesses where I'm at, and questioning what I should be doing, both for my own happiness and to do and be better in general. It's being overwhelmed in a vacant space.