As I'm enjoying my first days off in forever, I'm realizing/remembering the problems that I've been creeping into. See, I've essentially kinda made the decision (slowly, not all at once) to work hard at school to become a doctor for the sake of helping people, while being willing to sacrifice anything and everything to get there. This includes personal development. And what do I do when I start to feel bad about how I am as a person, when I begin to notice this lack of personal development? I work out or take a nap or drink or do something that I know will stave off that feeling.
This brought a question to surface within me. "Is it worth it to sacrifice myself, this personality that has always been so magnetic and energizing that everyone loves, for the sake of helping people in the future?" I mean, I've always been of the opinion that I'd be willing to sacrifice my life for anyone, but this seems so much worse. This is just taking the part of me that's of great worth and starving it.
I feel like I can't have my cake and eat it too, at least not within this educational system. Maybe during this gap year, I'll get back on track and figure out how to make time for reflection and growth without it feeling like a distraction from what I should be doing.
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