I have been overwhelmed on so many levels. One might ask, "Oh, deadlines? Do you have work to do? What is it that so demands your time and attention?" But such an individual's questions would be met with very little in the way of a substantial explanation. In December of 2019, I was exhausted from nearly two years of constant study and work to complete my degree. Following that, the relief I had hoped for and expected was all tossed aside as I waited for eleven months to be allowed to continue in the next phase of my career. When I took an assessment and found myself to be too poor a candidate to do well on an upcoming test, and when, in the same time period, family members were exposed to Covid-19 positive people and yet refused to isolate while in the same abode as myself, I fled. I fled to my mother's Airbnb in somewhat more rural Canton, Texas, and I hid. And my grandfather died, and I mourned. And I dropped my healthy habits.
Though I have never experienced a break-in at my home, the feeling of having people who are serving as SARS-CoV-2 hosts occupy the shared spaces of your place of residence must surely at least serve as an echo such trauma. So even here in Canton, I am often filled with anxiety. I usually have worse allergies when temperatures drop outside, so I gave up running when I noticed this happening, for fear that I would compromise my lungs with regard to SARS-CoV-2. This is a poorly founded hypothesis of mine. Since I began exercising regularly at university, I have referred to jogging as my antidepressant. I have barely touched my Bible. I drank more. Bourbons led the way of course, with the occasional scotch added to the mix. I did not drink at the levels of those with liver cirrhosis, but I certainly drank enough to cause some small concern in myself. This is in the past tense only because with the winter storm that hit this unforgiving state of Texas, I ran out of liquor and my car has been stuck, so all of my shopping has been done on foot (and the nearest liquor store is half an hour away).
And then one of the few friends that has assured me that I am okay for taking precautions, that Covid-19 is a big deal and all of that, a friend who, along with two others, is one of the co-creators of my podcast, said that she does not care about the vaccines, that she only cared about her grandparents, and since those grandparents are now vaccinated, she is not so concerned about SARS-CoV-2. I said that if we continued talking about it, I would get pissed, and she said "me too" and left the group chat. Bear in mind that this group chat has been ongoing for years, the place where we bounce sketch comedy ideas off of each other all the time and also just share whatever we like. So hopefully something else is going on that she can resolve, because I am a doctor who swore an oath to prevent harm, and that oath does not only apply to my own kin. Not to mention that my grandfather died from it a month ago, and frankly, I do not wish for more people to die from this virus, not if it is within my power to prevent such an event.
Anyway, I worked out a little today. It is still muddy outside from all of the snow so I did not go jogging, but I hope to renew my good habits and get back to studying.
And to be honest, I am not sure that I can pass this test. Nor the one after it. But I did just take two months off from studying, so if ever there was a time when I could possibly feel recharged, I hope that it is now.
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