Tonight, I went hunting for Pokemon alone on campus. After I had made my circuit around campus wifi, I took a detour to the small cliff overlooking the ocean behind the school. I stared up at the stars, which are always plentiful here, and saw shooting stars, which are also plentiful. But as I wished to God and the stars, I found myself stuttering, because while I was wishing for things like "to be happy" and for passing the STEP 1, I was afraid of false hope in any of those scenarios.
I read a lot of posts on social media saying that all you need to do in life is find what makes you happy. Find happiness. Get the happy. I've never been after that. Short term, sure, kinda, but really, my goal hasn't included happiness. If I wanted that, my goal would be serotonin. Pop an antidepressant. No, my goals have always been to better myself as a person.
But should the goal of bettering myself make me be afraid of desiring happiness for myself? I've resigned myself to the idea that I'm probably not going to find someone that I connect enough with to marry. Sure, I'm always looking, but I'm not throwing heaps of hopes on that. I don't like false hope.
So my point here isn't so much that the pursuit of bettering oneself is preferable to the pursuit of happiness. I've just always been after the former rather than the latter (and often at the expense of the latter). I guess I'm just wondering if the balance should ever tip the other way, to the point that I can comfortably wish for happy. Curious as to whether this should be a possibility.
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