Where I Stand

I made an 86 in the harder class and a 76 in the easier class. Typical of me to do worse in the easier one.

I don't know where I stand anymore. My love for Jesus seems in contrast with my beliefs and my stance on a lot of issues in comparison to Christians where I grew up. To some of them, I may hardly be considered a Christian simply on account of how I interpret the beginning of the Bible. And I, in turn, find myself judging Christians for somehow justifying the backing of a man who wants to do things that specifically go against my beliefs as both a Christian and an American.

Particularly while living on this island, surrounded by learning and values involving patient rights and choice, I have found myself despising the beliefs I once grew up with. Part of this stems from the fact that I haven't lived in a Christian community for years now, and also from the ignorance present in those areas I once frequented.

It's a real struggle for me now. I study my Bible every day. I study and work hard, and I've put myself through a lot of difficulties (my travels through Europe) for the sake of making myself a better person. And becoming a better person was for the purpose of being this sort of ideal doctor and missionary. But this sound reasoning that I feel I've developed, and this moral code derived from Biblical teaching, none of it seems of great benefit. Is this what Jesus felt like in his mid-twenties? Studying hard, knowing that he'd be the only one with the proper knowledge and perspective once his ministry started?

All of those that I once looked up to appear to be supporting that which is in contrast with everything I've grown up believing.

Last night, I dreamed that I hung out (and did extremely mild flirting) with the too young girl with doctor dad. The amount of respect that I have for him is very great (probably don't want to find out who he's voting for). So I was overly careful and respectful toward his daughter, and it was great. The picture in my head of their family is one of clear Christ-centered morals, lots of sarcasm, good looks, and smart people. And that is a tough combination to find. My mind seems so fixed on where it is that I've more or less ruled out any such people existing anymore, at least in the dating realm. Maybe something will be different once I get back to the States...