UUUUGGGHHHH

My faith terrifies me. I can't stand that I believe in a God who is so righteous that many of my friends are currently headed towards hell, that the acts of homosexuality are sinful (so that my gay friends have to knowingly live in sin or change the way they believe), and that many issues that I would prefer to treat as small things are kinda huge, because I serve Jesus and there's no changing my belief in Him and what He says.

Fortunately, I'm called to love, not judge. But still, being a Christian can be an awful thing 'cause God blesses me SO MUCH and I have to watch other people drift away or be born into a different environment or something, and they're goners as a result. I can't stand how unfair it is that I get to have so many privileges that other people don't have. This includes financially. It's stupid that I get to go to a prestigious school and not really become a good student until my last year and a half here, and probably not have to take out loans until MAYBE I'm a couple years into medical school. I mean HOW STUPID IS IT THAT I GET TO BE SO BLESSED!?!? It's even worse when I think about the places I've been privileged to visit, the poverty I've witnessed. I visited the second largest slum in the world, in Kenya, and it was devastating. And here I am, eating my prizza in my blanketfort because I was too lazy to go and buy more groceries tonight. Not to mention that senioritis is hitting me now, so all my talk about working hard for the sake of saving future lives looks pretty hypocritical. Just been reading Game of Thrones all day.

I get annoyed at blessings 'cause other people obviously deserve them more than I do. I'm young and foolish and certainly not worthy of such. Ugh.