The days pass. I stand and watch, but hardly more than that. The need to take care of responsibilities is not yet pressing. I adore the time I spend with my few close friends here. The next year will be extremely difficult, but such a different flavor of adversity that I suppose I should be looking forward to it. It will be real and I am not prepared for it, but I suppose that we never are prepared for the best things in life, and that is how they instill so much in us.
The initial shock of passing that exam has mostly abated, so that I am able to sit and just be a little. It has been so many years since I last had such a huge period of time with no fear of failure hanging over my head, no upcoming test that could potentially trash my dreams of becoming a doctor.
The hope is beginning to seem somewhat real. The other day, with family, I was discussing how much money I had, and how much I was to receive, and it turns out that I have enough to cover tuition until I graduate. And more money is likely to arrive, which means that I could possibly choose an apartment that is not in squalor. Since I will be living in Houston for two years, I will probably be attempting to find a good place.
A little over three weeks until I work in hospitals. I ordered textbooks tonight and will be apartment hunting soon. It is very intimidating. I have had time to forget many clinical skills learned at my previous medical school, and family medicine, my first rotation, will also involve suturing. Suturing is a skill that I have practice a few times and then forgotten because I never had need to sew up a patient after an exam on the computer.
Thursday, February 8, 2018
Sunday, February 4, 2018
Overanalytical
Maybe I am this way right off the bat, or perhaps it is due to a life lived with caution regarding relationships, but I find that I am overanalytical when it comes to relational interactions. I should probably never make it a rule to send texts after spending time with someone to follow up and make sure that such and such was not an issue, because in reality, such and such is very rarely an issue.
Seeing the underlying possibilities of what people might think or assume makes me pretty good at ethics questions on exams, but a poor judge when it comes to deliberating what should be communicated after a given interaction. Sometimes, I wish that I could just plug into someone else's brain, that all of our thoughts and feelings and understandings could be instantly related so that there is no guesswork. But that would rob us of the social nuances that make up relationships on a basic level. And since that is what people are generally going for...
Also, Cloverfield Paradox was a good movie. Not that I was doubting J.J. Abrams, but really, he is a master.
Seeing the underlying possibilities of what people might think or assume makes me pretty good at ethics questions on exams, but a poor judge when it comes to deliberating what should be communicated after a given interaction. Sometimes, I wish that I could just plug into someone else's brain, that all of our thoughts and feelings and understandings could be instantly related so that there is no guesswork. But that would rob us of the social nuances that make up relationships on a basic level. And since that is what people are generally going for...
Also, Cloverfield Paradox was a good movie. Not that I was doubting J.J. Abrams, but really, he is a master.
Friday, February 2, 2018
Too Many Things In One Thing
Thus do the preparations begin. I went to my old work to get my labs done for clinical rotations (and made way too many jokes about what my HIV test results could be). I have admittedly been distracted from taking care of the rest of my responsibilities in that realm, still having only asked cursory questions regarding housing in Houston. If I want to find a good place, I will really need to really get after it. After all, it will be my home for (at least) two years.
I have been watching Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee, and it is almost annoying how much my train of thought relates to theirs. Sometimes I start to think that I should try stand-up, but then I remember a fall retreat from back in high school. We had a guest speaker who was hilarious the whole time he preached. His jokes were both dumb and clever enough to hold the attention of junior and senior high students alike, which is not always an easy task. At his merch table, he also sold videos of his stand-up routine, which I thought was odd. But I bought one because he had already been so funny thus far. But when I watched it, impressions and jokes that had been so organic within the meshwork of his sermon seemed inadequate when forced to stand alone as centerpieces in his comedy act. It is important to recognize that different types of humors only fit in certain contexts, so when someone says "you should do stand-up", they may be encouraging an awful thing.
If I understand this timing correctly, I am around two years away from earning my MD, to receiving paychecks. And depending on the residency, maybe, possibly, I am only a few years from finally going on the mission field in a far more useful capacity.
This has me also thinking of the dating world. In my yearning to become more well-rounded, to be able to relate to and reach as many people as possible, I spend free time gaining exposure to people different from myself, whether in race, religion, values, or whatever else. Relating to all, from the nerdy to the dull, from the fit to the fat, this is a major objective. And last fall's crush led me to realize that this is an important quality to seek in whoever I end up with. She was remarkable in a lot of ways, but even aside from the likely romantic disinterest on her part, I was fairly sure that she did not have the versatility to be adept in every sort of crowd. And that adaptability seems more or less essential. I kinda feel like an impossible person, too many things smashed into one body, and maybe I need to find something similar in someone else. Or whatever. Maybe God will just kill me off first. *fingers crossed*
I have been watching Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee, and it is almost annoying how much my train of thought relates to theirs. Sometimes I start to think that I should try stand-up, but then I remember a fall retreat from back in high school. We had a guest speaker who was hilarious the whole time he preached. His jokes were both dumb and clever enough to hold the attention of junior and senior high students alike, which is not always an easy task. At his merch table, he also sold videos of his stand-up routine, which I thought was odd. But I bought one because he had already been so funny thus far. But when I watched it, impressions and jokes that had been so organic within the meshwork of his sermon seemed inadequate when forced to stand alone as centerpieces in his comedy act. It is important to recognize that different types of humors only fit in certain contexts, so when someone says "you should do stand-up", they may be encouraging an awful thing.
If I understand this timing correctly, I am around two years away from earning my MD, to receiving paychecks. And depending on the residency, maybe, possibly, I am only a few years from finally going on the mission field in a far more useful capacity.
This has me also thinking of the dating world. In my yearning to become more well-rounded, to be able to relate to and reach as many people as possible, I spend free time gaining exposure to people different from myself, whether in race, religion, values, or whatever else. Relating to all, from the nerdy to the dull, from the fit to the fat, this is a major objective. And last fall's crush led me to realize that this is an important quality to seek in whoever I end up with. She was remarkable in a lot of ways, but even aside from the likely romantic disinterest on her part, I was fairly sure that she did not have the versatility to be adept in every sort of crowd. And that adaptability seems more or less essential. I kinda feel like an impossible person, too many things smashed into one body, and maybe I need to find something similar in someone else. Or whatever. Maybe God will just kill me off first. *fingers crossed*
Thursday, January 18, 2018
Passed The USMLE Step 1 Exam
I passed. I learned yesterday that I scored a 212 on that Step 1 exam. Passing was 192 (bumped up to 194 a week after I took it) out of the 280 questions. The clinical dean at my previous school would be so disappointed in me (we were trash if we made below 230, and we were not allowed to celebrate anything until we became chief residents).
I cannot even comprehend it. This is the major hurdle that was holding me back from being recognized as a real medical student in the States. And I can apparently start rotations at the end of each month, so by March, it looks like I will be moved to Houston and working/studying in hospitals.
I had viewed it as this unbeatable goal, this behemoth that I would never have the chance to stare in the eye, much less defeat. It grew larger as time went on, swathed in misty unknown as months floated by. I could never beat it, but I could watch the months drift on. A critical aspect of my recent success has been that I acquired a social life once a week. Life on the island had convinced me that medicine did not allow for such, and the loneliness brought about by isolation became what I understood to be a necessary aspect of this life. Maybe it is not exactly so.
I watched Blood Diamond last night. Set in western Africa, it featured many aspects of Africa that I knew from my past visits to Kenya and Uganda. Unlike my experiences, it also featured the violence and cruelty that comes with political instability (notably the child soldiers). It reminded me of why I am doing this whole medical thing: I desire to visit these countries in need and be the change. Syrian refugees, the conflicts in Yemen... every time I see a headline, I want to go. Once I become a doctor, if I can find the right organizations, or found my own...
It also reminds me of why I am known for being so "picky" when it comes to dating. After all, I am looking for someone else who would, at least sometimes, be my partner in crime on these trips. Though that movie also reminded me of how crazy dangerous it can be for a pretty lady.
Anyway, hopefully someone kills me first.
I cannot even comprehend it. This is the major hurdle that was holding me back from being recognized as a real medical student in the States. And I can apparently start rotations at the end of each month, so by March, it looks like I will be moved to Houston and working/studying in hospitals.
I had viewed it as this unbeatable goal, this behemoth that I would never have the chance to stare in the eye, much less defeat. It grew larger as time went on, swathed in misty unknown as months floated by. I could never beat it, but I could watch the months drift on. A critical aspect of my recent success has been that I acquired a social life once a week. Life on the island had convinced me that medicine did not allow for such, and the loneliness brought about by isolation became what I understood to be a necessary aspect of this life. Maybe it is not exactly so.
I watched Blood Diamond last night. Set in western Africa, it featured many aspects of Africa that I knew from my past visits to Kenya and Uganda. Unlike my experiences, it also featured the violence and cruelty that comes with political instability (notably the child soldiers). It reminded me of why I am doing this whole medical thing: I desire to visit these countries in need and be the change. Syrian refugees, the conflicts in Yemen... every time I see a headline, I want to go. Once I become a doctor, if I can find the right organizations, or found my own...
It also reminds me of why I am known for being so "picky" when it comes to dating. After all, I am looking for someone else who would, at least sometimes, be my partner in crime on these trips. Though that movie also reminded me of how crazy dangerous it can be for a pretty lady.
Anyway, hopefully someone kills me first.
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Write More
(Mostly rambling, maybe a few helpful things in here.)
Point being that my vocabulary has decreased to a noticeable degree, and if I pass this exam, then perhaps it will be time to do some recreational reading once again. After all, no love in life does more to one's world than a book. No, shut up, you've been drinking.
In reality, I just want to keep writing. If ever there was a catchphrase at my employment as a medical assistant, it was "document document document" (as a verb). Not mentioned in my previous post, my youth pastor from times past mentioned how quickly life seems to pass by, and considering how many years of my life seem to have slipped through my grasp (seemingly maybe at the behest of the Lord of Hosts), I have been feeling the urge to record my thought processes and ideas more than usual. Though, if the various me's within myself are honest, "usual" is an incredibly relative term at this point. I feel as if I should be recording more video, more audio, attempting to capture whatever I am now due to the fleeting nature of such. I rarely mentally settle for a given state, always yearning for whatever is beyond where I am, whether in regard to creativity or spirituality or anything else...
Maybe that is a New Years resolution, to record more of life. Perhaps I should carry a video camera with me again (iPhones do not have the storage capacity for my world). Just gotta run into a couple thousand dollars to buy a new Macbook Pro and Final Cut Pro to edit the videos.
Genuine Conversations
Ah, the day before the exam scores are released maybe. But maybe I have grown slightly more mature since last week, since I am, to some extent, "over it". I am suspicious of hopeful words, even if they seem to resonate with my own spirit, but a friend said at New Years that this year felt like it would have positive changes, and I agreed. Regardless of test scores, I suppose.
Today, I had lunch with my youth pastor from a decade thence. It was relieving to talk to him in more concrete terminology, rather than the last time we spoke, when my mention of morals or spirituality was so very relative. And honestly, I was mostly just venting at him that time, just frustrated with what the elections had done to ruin the perception of Christians in America, to the point that I had stopped attending church.
This time, we seemed to be on the same page, though he was careful in his delving to find that out. Both of us were frustrated with the church's handling of, well, anyone who is not the standard cis straight concept of a person. Even though we are both white cis straight and only fall short of being as fat as a perfect American, we do not hold everyone else to the same convictions. As I put it, and he seemed to agree, there is the understanding of where our convictions personally lie (in which it would absolutely be a sin for me to be homosexual), and then there is a separate understanding of everyone else's convictions. Some people interpret passages of the Bible differently, and I have been wrong before, so I do not hold anyone else to my own perceptions. Though I admitted that the primary reason I feel this way is that I judge my gay friends heavily if I believe that homosexuality is a sin, and I do not wish to hold onto that judgment if I do not need to do so.
Through all of this, I was once again emphasizing the evangelistic view of "being all things to all men" (1 Corinthians 9:19-23), which, on a very surface level interpretation, is essentially just being likable to everyone in the hopes that they recognize that likeability and the Christ in you as having a causal relationship. That is the first step, getting people open to the idea of liking Christians and what Christ could do, and possibly getting them to try to seek out more. But the next step, that "more", was admittedly an unknown for me. We know that we want to change the perception of Christians from key words like "racist" or "Republican" or, well, anti-science, but what that looks like is essentially a mystery to yours truly. Good thing God gave me my own set of issues upon which to work.
Anyway, the friend I know through karaoke was kind enough to go for coffee with me this afternoon. She reminds me of what people said about me toward the end of high school and throughout college, identifying some "it factor" that few people manage to achieve. She hits that right combination of smart, pretty, and funny, and musically talented that you rarely see in anyone either single or married these days. Though I have known her somewhat since January, I did not know that she too was Christian until this last weekend, because (and this is how clever my brain is) I was afraid to ask in case she was not Christian. That and the associations I recognize between Christian and Republican and, therefore, Trump. I have perhaps tread too lightly over such concerns. In any case, she is finding herself in a place not unlike my own, wherein she needs to work on herself with God and not on finding a significant other. KINDA WEIRD THAT THAT TREND HAS BEEN REMARKABLY CONSISTENT ON MY END FOR SO MANY YEARS, GOOOODDDDDDD.
Why is everyone in their late 20's dealing with so much? After returning from the island in 2016, I genuinely tried to reflect on more, to deal with myself and my world, but I found myself unable to do so, certainly not to the extent that I have over the past few months. Was it just the election? Does this happen to everyone at this point in their lives? Is this like a mid-life crisis, in which it has earned some nickname due to its established regularity? Is it a millenial thing? Is it an educated thing? Is it a Christian thing?
Whatever the reason, I am genuinely relieved to not be the only one going through some form of spiritual, social, and whatever other form of reevaluation. I am alone so very often in so many areas of life that it seems improbable that anyone else could relate on a level that does not feel as if it is trying hard to reach. Reachy...? Regardless, the hope therein is usually in finding someone who, for the smallest of moments, appears to be stepping in time with myself.
This entry has gone on for too long, which I suppose is a side effect of actually living life the tiniest bit. Here is a screenshot of the background on my phone which maybe, just maybe, should change soon, despite how many years I have had it and how incredibly jolly it is. It is a passage from Dr. Seuss's Oh The Places You'll Go!
Today, I had lunch with my youth pastor from a decade thence. It was relieving to talk to him in more concrete terminology, rather than the last time we spoke, when my mention of morals or spirituality was so very relative. And honestly, I was mostly just venting at him that time, just frustrated with what the elections had done to ruin the perception of Christians in America, to the point that I had stopped attending church.
This time, we seemed to be on the same page, though he was careful in his delving to find that out. Both of us were frustrated with the church's handling of, well, anyone who is not the standard cis straight concept of a person. Even though we are both white cis straight and only fall short of being as fat as a perfect American, we do not hold everyone else to the same convictions. As I put it, and he seemed to agree, there is the understanding of where our convictions personally lie (in which it would absolutely be a sin for me to be homosexual), and then there is a separate understanding of everyone else's convictions. Some people interpret passages of the Bible differently, and I have been wrong before, so I do not hold anyone else to my own perceptions. Though I admitted that the primary reason I feel this way is that I judge my gay friends heavily if I believe that homosexuality is a sin, and I do not wish to hold onto that judgment if I do not need to do so.
Through all of this, I was once again emphasizing the evangelistic view of "being all things to all men" (1 Corinthians 9:19-23), which, on a very surface level interpretation, is essentially just being likable to everyone in the hopes that they recognize that likeability and the Christ in you as having a causal relationship. That is the first step, getting people open to the idea of liking Christians and what Christ could do, and possibly getting them to try to seek out more. But the next step, that "more", was admittedly an unknown for me. We know that we want to change the perception of Christians from key words like "racist" or "Republican" or, well, anti-science, but what that looks like is essentially a mystery to yours truly. Good thing God gave me my own set of issues upon which to work.
Anyway, the friend I know through karaoke was kind enough to go for coffee with me this afternoon. She reminds me of what people said about me toward the end of high school and throughout college, identifying some "it factor" that few people manage to achieve. She hits that right combination of smart, pretty, and funny, and musically talented that you rarely see in anyone either single or married these days. Though I have known her somewhat since January, I did not know that she too was Christian until this last weekend, because (and this is how clever my brain is) I was afraid to ask in case she was not Christian. That and the associations I recognize between Christian and Republican and, therefore, Trump. I have perhaps tread too lightly over such concerns. In any case, she is finding herself in a place not unlike my own, wherein she needs to work on herself with God and not on finding a significant other. KINDA WEIRD THAT THAT TREND HAS BEEN REMARKABLY CONSISTENT ON MY END FOR SO MANY YEARS, GOOOODDDDDDD.
Why is everyone in their late 20's dealing with so much? After returning from the island in 2016, I genuinely tried to reflect on more, to deal with myself and my world, but I found myself unable to do so, certainly not to the extent that I have over the past few months. Was it just the election? Does this happen to everyone at this point in their lives? Is this like a mid-life crisis, in which it has earned some nickname due to its established regularity? Is it a millenial thing? Is it an educated thing? Is it a Christian thing?
Whatever the reason, I am genuinely relieved to not be the only one going through some form of spiritual, social, and whatever other form of reevaluation. I am alone so very often in so many areas of life that it seems improbable that anyone else could relate on a level that does not feel as if it is trying hard to reach. Reachy...? Regardless, the hope therein is usually in finding someone who, for the smallest of moments, appears to be stepping in time with myself.
This entry has gone on for too long, which I suppose is a side effect of actually living life the tiniest bit. Here is a screenshot of the background on my phone which maybe, just maybe, should change soon, despite how many years I have had it and how incredibly jolly it is. It is a passage from Dr. Seuss's Oh The Places You'll Go!
Sunday, January 14, 2018
Living Out Of Established Timing
I thought that I would get my scores on Wednesday of last week, but such was not the case. Hopefully this Wednesday will tell me my future. The last test felt as borderline as it turned out to be, with one point of difference deciding the outcome. This one felt significantly better. Even so, I awoke on Wednesday at 8:05 without setting an alarm and my apprehensions were unfortunately not met with any real sort of relief.
This has been a significant lesson for me all through last year, a lesson that I have taken far too long to even begin to learn, namely that I cannot set my life to an academic calendar. I tend to think that once I pass this exam, once I move on from this phase of academic life, I can finally once again acclimate myself to a social life or ministry, or even real personal development. My perceptions of myself, my family, and my friends, therefore, tend to be defined by whatever phase I find myself within my studies. And this, dear friends, is a poor excuse to avoid living life properly, particularly when you are stuck in a given phase for an extra year or two.
It is a strange thing now. The better version of me is tugging once again, but without being immersed in ministry, I do not know how to engage again.
I often look to the life of Jesus (WOW, SO SPIRITUAL). He did not start ministry until He was 30. I am circling nearer that age with every passing year (and have been since I was born). I often ask Him how He managed it. He has not been very talkative on the matter. I suppose that His approach was not so far off from my own, just studying and, when I am being less stupid, trying to be shaped by God into whatever manner of creature He wants for His works.
His first miracle was sort of the most casual, the closest thing to a party trick. Try being Jesus for a second. You have been studying the Old Testament and talking super closely with God for all your life. You recruit a few disciples who call you the Son of God, and your cousin has a similar sentiment to share. Pretty cool week. That weekend, there is a wedding. You, your mom, and your disciples are invited. You are just there trying to enjoy your time, perhaps a little apprehensive about having just begun the journey that would lead to your early death in an effort to save all of humanity from burning in hell. Your mom walks up to you with that look in her eye that recognizes that you can get things done and says "they have no more wine". "Woman, why do you involve me? My hour has not yet come."
But your mom has already turned to the waiters and told them to do whatever you tell them. Ugh. Classic mom, even when you (and she knows that you have a direct line to God in heaven) specifically told her that it was not time. You were going to get the word out a little, build up a reputation and a bigger crew of disciples, and avoid letting it be a whole hype thing. But you do not want to piss your mom off, so you look around and notice a half-dozen huge jars normally used to wash up to be ceremonially clean. That's only enough for 150 gallons of wine, but beggars cannot be choosers. So you have the waiting staff fill them up with water, and the water is of course turned into wine, and good wine at that, according to the master of the banquet who got the first sample. So now you have been pressured into starting your ministry before you intended, but you can skip over mincing words with your disciples because they already believe you. You can shoot straight with them about who and what you are. Fine, thanks mom.
This has been a significant lesson for me all through last year, a lesson that I have taken far too long to even begin to learn, namely that I cannot set my life to an academic calendar. I tend to think that once I pass this exam, once I move on from this phase of academic life, I can finally once again acclimate myself to a social life or ministry, or even real personal development. My perceptions of myself, my family, and my friends, therefore, tend to be defined by whatever phase I find myself within my studies. And this, dear friends, is a poor excuse to avoid living life properly, particularly when you are stuck in a given phase for an extra year or two.
It is a strange thing now. The better version of me is tugging once again, but without being immersed in ministry, I do not know how to engage again.
I often look to the life of Jesus (WOW, SO SPIRITUAL). He did not start ministry until He was 30. I am circling nearer that age with every passing year (and have been since I was born). I often ask Him how He managed it. He has not been very talkative on the matter. I suppose that His approach was not so far off from my own, just studying and, when I am being less stupid, trying to be shaped by God into whatever manner of creature He wants for His works.
His first miracle was sort of the most casual, the closest thing to a party trick. Try being Jesus for a second. You have been studying the Old Testament and talking super closely with God for all your life. You recruit a few disciples who call you the Son of God, and your cousin has a similar sentiment to share. Pretty cool week. That weekend, there is a wedding. You, your mom, and your disciples are invited. You are just there trying to enjoy your time, perhaps a little apprehensive about having just begun the journey that would lead to your early death in an effort to save all of humanity from burning in hell. Your mom walks up to you with that look in her eye that recognizes that you can get things done and says "they have no more wine". "Woman, why do you involve me? My hour has not yet come."
But your mom has already turned to the waiters and told them to do whatever you tell them. Ugh. Classic mom, even when you (and she knows that you have a direct line to God in heaven) specifically told her that it was not time. You were going to get the word out a little, build up a reputation and a bigger crew of disciples, and avoid letting it be a whole hype thing. But you do not want to piss your mom off, so you look around and notice a half-dozen huge jars normally used to wash up to be ceremonially clean. That's only enough for 150 gallons of wine, but beggars cannot be choosers. So you have the waiting staff fill them up with water, and the water is of course turned into wine, and good wine at that, according to the master of the banquet who got the first sample. So now you have been pressured into starting your ministry before you intended, but you can skip over mincing words with your disciples because they already believe you. You can shoot straight with them about who and what you are. Fine, thanks mom.
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