First Fruits

In the Bible, there's this concept of always giving God the first fruits of whatever you receive. With regard to finances, the first thing you do when you receive your paycheck is to set aside 10% of it for God. It applied to the spoils of war when God led nations to attack and to a variety of other situations. You always set aside the first of what you receive as something belonging to The Lord.

So when I failed those tests, I started giving the first bit of my study time, that more focused state, to God. I start my study time by studying the Bible, rather than leaving Bible study until after I finish everything else.

I trust God. Failing these exams was a good way for God to test that trust, calling me out on my claims that, whether passing or failing, I trust Him throughout. I still trust Him. I don't feel any more capable, or really like I can actually bring up my grades at this point, but I trust Him. That just leaves me with working hard now.

Actually Believing

In the time during which I was studying for these last exams, I had a talk with God. Well, I had many talks, but there was one pertinent to this blog. I admitted to God that when I had preached in other countries about how God does the impossible, I didn't include my own story in the sermon. It wasn't because I thought it was difficult to relate to or some other, good reason. I didn't include my own story because I didn't really believe it. At the time, I wasn't a good student. God hadn't made the necessary changes in me. All I had to go on was faith, and I only had faith to stay the course, not enough to join in the illustration.

But as God told me when He first got me hooked on that passage of Abraham having a son (in 2010, I think), He wants me to be the illustration for it.

So I failed these tests. Badly enough that I need to become a significantly better student if I hope to avoid repeating classes. And I hope that very much. Because, among the multitude of other reasons, I don't want to stay on this island for an extra semester, nor do I want potential clinical and residency spots to go to someone else who did not have to repeat or withdraw from a class.

So here's to actually believing that God will do as He says. Against all hope, Abraham believed, and so became the father of many nations. So I too believe against all hope, all possibility, in the dream that God has given me, that of being a doctor and being the difference that I want to see in the world.

Remembering How To Be The Difference

Only one grade was posted from our exams yesterday, and it was my worst subject: Biochemistry. Out of the 56 people in the class, I had the lowest score at 57. I was expecting something in that range, though obviously hoping for better. Last semester, I was positive that I had failed a Histology exam, but instead had like a 78. An important thing about this semester is that there are no curves, nor are there lab grades to add a buffer to your score. No, you take that test and if you suck, you suck. And suck I did.

Now, be aware that I've been taking it in stride. Most of what I thought while studying for these tests was that I will do better on the next exam. And I will. That being said, there's still a stirring in me that I need to deal with. I need to yell at God. But for now, I can try to write out some frustrations. (Even though I know very well what I did wrong and how I could have done better.)

All my life through high school, I always made straight A's, except for that one teacher who screwed me over with a B (his fault, really). But once I got to college, I struggled. A lot. The main reason was that there was a finite amount of work I was willing to put into anything. Then after a month-long trip to work in hospitals in Uganda, I learned that for the sake of those patients suffering there, I needed to do better. Suddenly, this whole dream of being a doctor that God gave me was bigger than me or the classrooms I sat in. There were faces, people. And I knew that if I could become a doctor, I could make a change in their lives. As a student, all I did was see and learn that I didn't know anything. But as a doctor, I could be the difference I wanted to see.

So then I had a path. I had already taken all of my chemistry courses by that time, so those were out of the way. All of my worst subjects had been finished. That senior year of college, I had classes relating to my major. When I put everything into it, I went from doing an abysmal job to doing okay. Not great, not even that good, but okay.

But now, for the first time since before that trip to Uganda, I have a course that's heavy on chemistry. They deny that it's much chemistry, but if you take the chemistry out of it, you don't have much left. So it's my worst sciency subject and it's at the medical school level. I know that if I can get past it, the worst will be over. Others say that the third semester is the hardest, but I know how weak I am in Biochemistry.

Well, I was gonna get mad at God, but I'm too sleepy. I guess my takeaway here is that I need to remember why I'm doing this. It's hard to remember when you're studying microscopic things that hardly seem to apply to anything. But I want to help those people, to be the difference in their lives. And I can't do that the way that I want to if I don't start improving now.

Upcoming Exams...

Not feeling confident about these block exams. I wasted a lot of time these past three weeks. Last semester, it seemed so much easier to know what and how to study. Memorize first, learn what you memorized after you've memorized it. But this semester, it's so different. There's still so much, but it's not memorization. It's learning difficult concepts from biochemistry, physiology, and genetics. I was okay at physio, but biochem and genetics are murder for me. Especially biochem. Biochem is the worst. Professors are great though; it's me.

It's been a matter of getting back into school mode. Being sick over the break, I was forced to come to a full stop. No being all busy, getting things done. And unfortunately, snapping myself back into my good habits only happened now, the weekend before the first exams. It should have happened last weekend and the one before, but alas. I just didn't know how to make my brain and body get back into the swing of things.

But now I haven't had an alcoholic beverage since last weekend and I'm going to bed before midnight, asleep before 1 AM. I'm actually getting the recommended amount of sleep at 7-8 hours. The bright side here is that I'm not tired in class; I'm just somehow often unable to pay attention. By the end of last semester, I could sit through three hours of lectures and still be attentive and listening, but now, I'm back to worse than at the start of med school. A few minutes and I'm gone.

However, I have felt more myself these last few weeks. The most difficult part of transition is done and now I'm here. I've been showing off my quirky more and have more friends than I had first thought. But still, I dunno about all of it.

I can't learn all of this by Monday. I hope that God will work in me to learn what I need to learn, and to learn it well.

It's All His

I remembered to give everything to God.

I forget it most of the time. It's weird how my self tends to block out who God is when I try to get a clear look at things.

But then I take a step back. And I remember whose plan this is. I tell God about all that I haven't done to study belongs to Him. And all that I have done. And also all the time I haven't invested in the people around me. And the time that I have.

I'm in this weird place now. School is everything and it's difficult to focus on it. My winning personality isn't winning so much because I've begun to leave out the unnecessary as a method of dealing with where I am in life. In the past, my side projects like talent shows or video blogs or anything else used to occupy some mental focus. They made me feel balanced. But now? Now I have school and a desire to be past it so I can live. I've never felt like that before in my life.

And then I have to take a step back again. Because no matter what happens, I'm committed to God and to His purposes. My job isn't to make good grades. My job is to work in excellence and to do so as an act of worship to Christ, and to live my life to Him.  If I fail my tests on Monday, that won't change these things. I still love the Lord and I still believe that He wants me to be a doctor. But just as Abraham was given a hope, a dream of having a son, and then was given that child, and then was willing to sacrifice his child, so must I be willing to do so. Because this dream isn't mine. I love medicine and the idea of being a doctor and all it stands for, but this dream is from the Lord. I need to be willing to give it up to serve His purposes at any time, because I love Him far more than this dream.

So stress doesn't belong to me. I will do my best to learn Physiology, Biochemistry, Genetics, Epidemiology, and the Foundations of Clinical Medicine II, but in the end, every bit of it belongs to God. All I can give Him is the effort I put into it. And whatever effort I don't put into it. It's all His.

Overwhelmed: A How To.

I feel overwhelmed. On Friday at lunch, I discovered a bug problem. I got swept all the bugs out of my room and thought the matter overwith. They were back that evening, and today. Indian meal moth larvae are annoying, especially when there's really no chance to, say, go to the store to get a specific bug prevention product. So I keep killing and sweeping them out, throwing away any remotely suspicious foods, and hope that this solves the problem.

Also on Friday at lunch, my mom told me that she was buying my tickets home. It was a bit of confusion on the dates, but we settled it. Then I found that I'd been looking at the wrong dates, so my flights back to the island are on the very day that classes begin.

On top of these is the actual medical school aspect. It's all of my worst subjects in one semester. Three weeks of classes before we're tested, so I have no idea if I'm doing anything right with my study habits. I suspect that I am not doing anything right. Thus, I am afraid of failing out of med school. I know that that's the usual feeling, but man, it is terrifying to not know.

Oh, and the time on my computer keeps changing itself to an hour earlier, making me think that I've been making better use of my time.

The bright side is that, whether I pass or not, I'll be in Florida in April, and in Dallas in August. Back in the States for every break.

A Brief Look Back At 2014

I should have done a year in review post like I always do, but med school is busy. I'm having a hard time getting back into the swing of it.

2014 was an amazing year. I was mostly sad and lonely for its duration, but I also learned what I was hoping to learn through it. I worked as a medical assistant for a neurology clinic and quit on very good terms with very good timing (and was invited to the Christmas party last month). I went on a cruise with family and then went on a mission trip to Belarus. From there, I visited 12 other countries when I backpacked across Europe (and technically to Asia in Turkey) for three months. I learned so much about myself and the world around me.

One big lesson I learned that I'm still trying to apply is that I need to learn my theology better. I never used to bother with a lot of the tough questions, mostly 'cause I had come to an understanding that I was fine with, and that was it for me. But I learned in Europe and elsewhere since that I'm not learning it for me; I'm learning theology for the people I meet. And I'm learning it well so that I can share it even when we've all had a few pints.

That brings me to another point. The dishonest conservative southern Christian outlook of pretending that we don't drink alcohol is stupid. I'm really beginning to hate it. In Europe, I had to explain it, and it made explaining Christianity itself that much more complicated. It doesn't have to be. To put it simply, passages in the Bible explain that overindulgence is generally something to avoid, but it's good to follow the Spirit and the God-given convictions you have over it. For those in church leadership, the rules are a little more strict. And you also don't drink if a Christian around you will think sinning is okay by your actions of drinking. So maybe it is a little complicated.

A term I used while traveling was "confronting people with their humanity", which is a fancy way of saying that I would try to reach an honest side of people when I spoke to them, because traveling taught me that people are people, and generally good, if you can reach that part of them. Sometimes you can't, but often you can. And it's easier to reach it if you yourself throw down an initial wave of open kindness.

After backpacking through Europe, I had three months of very little, just being lazy before med school. Then I started med school. I also started living in a developing country. I stayed in Rawlins dorms at Medical University of the Americas, which just so happen to be awful dorms to stay in. Because you generally have a roommate in those dorms (or it's more expensive), it was very difficult for me. I was paired with the most culturally different person attending this school. He was fine with me but I had a lot of problems with him, most of which he never knew about because I am very passive aggressive. But it was difficult living there. The "bus" (van) situation was difficult too. They didn't follow schedules, so I wasted many hours in the process of waiting for the buses. Hours I could have been doing anything else. I also picked up bad study habits from my roommate. He was able to understand and memorize things when he first heard them in class, so he watched tv shows a LOT; I require prereading and post-reading and lots and lots of reading, and I still only do so-so. But I also watched shows more than I should have, and I continue to have difficulty dropping the habit now.

I spent half of last year out of the United States, and will spend most of this year out of the States. The U.S. is beautiful. I'm convinced that to become a real patriot, you have to leave the country. That's how you appreciate something.

I'm feeling better about my current situation. I  have some friends and my room is comfortable. Strangely though, I feel like I've toned myself down quite a bit here. I don't act starved for attention nearly as much as I did in college. I don't know how much of it was the new culture or people or that I'm in school or if it's just another one of those chances to "reinvent" myself. I also don't know if I like it. I still go to the school parties and beat the locals in dance battles, but it all seems different. Maybe it's because there really isn't as much chance to be noticed here. No talent shows, no lip-syncing competitions, none of that is here. Just people getting drunk at parties and karaoke if I can get to it.