Distrust For The Church

Okay, I need to express this somehow. I haven't been honest, and for professional reasons, I can't be transparent on Facebook. But fortunately, no one reads this.

I no longer trust the church. It is a difficult thing to think, much less write. I've never cried over anything spiritual that I can recall. Nothing. Not in the most heart-wrenching worship service. Not when I saw miracles happen. Not ever. But there are tears in my eyes as I write this.

White America has won. The voting demographic clearly shows it. If you were white, you voted Trump. If you were any other color of skin or were educated, the majority voted against him.

In the name of keeping the Supreme Court conservative (the only defense in favor of Trump that could potentially hold water), the white evangelical church has chosen a wealthy demagogue (a political leader who seeks support by appealing to popular desires and prejudices rather than by using rational argument) whose path to election was based on racism, sexism, bigotry, xenophobia, and blatant disregard for facts that opposed his opinions. Where is the Church that would choose a step toward equality? Where is the Church that would stand up for the less fortunate? The Church that would offer shelter to strangers in a foreign land, because we too were once aliens as well? What happens when a white Christian wants to share the gospel with a Muslim person, or a Mexican, or any illegal immigrant?

I do not recognize this church. I haven't felt comfortable attending my local church (primarily white congregation) these past months. Believe me, I made myself go. And though I genuinely tried, I felt worse. Even as I search for the proper terminology, the word that comes to mind is conviction. My convictions make me uncomfortable with attending church, such as it is.

I will continue to read my Bible, talk to God, and watch sermons on Sunday. But they will be streamed online from a pastor I trust (Judah Smith).

I struggle with what to do with these feelings that go against how I was raised, yet seem more in line with the Bible that I trust. I want to warn pastors and leaders, but I also do not wish to publicly do things on social media, because once again, I have a professionalism to uphold. And, if I'm being honest, I don't want to admit that I don't feel comfortable with the Church. I mean, what Christian says that? A well-educated one, it turns out.

The Creature Has Won

Perhaps the most frustrating thing about Trump winning this election is that such a large and outspoken portion of the church endorsed him. In the midst of hate and injustice, the church is where I would think to seek refuge. But no, I don't see the logic in trusting the church at a time such as this. For embracing the church seems like it would be a rejection of the very teachings upon which it was established and inspired.

Make no mistake, the racism, bigotry, misogyny, and xenophobia are very real and bound to grow as a result of their leader coming into a place of power. Just last month, three Trump supporters were arrested for allegedly planning to bomb a mosque and an apartment complex where Somali refugees resided in Kansas. That's right, Trump supporters, whose big message is a fear of refugees because of their potential to be secret terrorists, actually planned to commit a terrorist act themselves.

I am trying to turn to Jesus in this, as I should be doing in all things. But I must say, Christians seem to be a strong deterrent to Christ these days.

Attempts To Study

I saw some of my favorites in concert this last week. King Charles was an opener, but unfortunately was not accompanied by a full band. Still good, but not nearly on the level of what I listen to every time I go jogging. I saw The Head and the Heart last night though, and that was a wonder. Their recorded albums are so good that it was shocking how great they were live (and their coordination with the lighting as well).

It's Halloween. A little over a month before I take my big exam. This means that rather than studying for 6-10 hours per day, I need to start studying for 12+ hours every day. Such an idea is immediately hampered, however. Even as I type, the UWorld questions I use to study with won't even load. The application won't launch. This is because of the internet at our house, which is a tethered phone shared by all. And this is just the technical issue. Every day my mom unnecessarily loudly asks casual questions to anyone or everyone in the house, somehow still not realizing that I am trying to simulate testing conditions.

I realize that it is unfair to ask her to change her habits for me just because I'm studying. But she was very insistent that my desire to rent an apartment elsewhere would be a stupid waste of money when our house was available for studying. Since she is currently funding my studies, I had to give in. Dogs bark. Election talk happens (and with me being the only libtard in the house, I become anxious over this). Life on the island was an awful, awful place that I never want to relive, but it was bereft of such distractions (except for power outages and internet going out and very real depression).

So when my sister's boyfriend hanged himself the other day and she said she never wanted to see their apartment again, and I discovered that their lease wouldn't be up for two more months, I was emphatic in my desire to study there. On the other side of Dallas, away from family.

When Pretty Girls Flirt

I went to a missionary dinner thing on Tuesday. I remembered that those guys get words of knowledge all the time, able to see what's spiritually going on with someone, so I began the process of weeding out my garbage brain. I also finally joined a local gym that day, so I got my first good workout in months, and was still sore today (when I returned).

Yesterday, I visited the neurologist I used to work for. They have tablets for patients now, so they enter basic information there rather than using paper. They had claimed to be paperless before, but it seems like they're really starting to do it now. That night, I went with friends Tara and Cameron to watch the last presidential debate at a bar in Dallas. Those debates are way easier to endure when everyone else is also hating Trump (and also when they give free shots to those watching the debate).

Today, I met up with a girl I had vaguely known through homeschool stuff in high school. We both went to homeschool prom back then, and have a few mutual friends. I had seen her once more when she worked at a coffee shop in town and was surprised at how pretty and skinny she was (two ingredients to catch the attention of this tall skinny human). I followed her on instagram and such and found that she was doing a lot of modeling. Anyway, she had posted something about her microbiology notes on an instagram story thing, and I offered to let her use my favorite study resource, sketchy micro.

So we were to meet at Starbucks. I arrived early, as I usually do if it's not morning, and the barista was a pretty and skinny blonde girl. This, of course, did not do much to ruffle my calm demeanor. After all, many baristas are attractive and so are many customers. But then she flirted with me as she helped me to select a beer (which, by the way, is a thing at Starbucks now) and then talked flirty for a moment as she delivered my drink to my table outside, and then (and this convinced me that it was real flirting) she gave a smiling thorough look back at me as she opened the door to go back inside. So for the first time perhaps ever, I had a pretty girl stranger flirting with me (that part might have happened once or twice before) while I awaited the pretty girl I was to give science stuff to.

So other pretty girl arrived and I gave her the stuff, and we talked for an hour or two. She told me that her only memory of me was when we danced at prom and I had apparently not looked at her the whole time (she then imitated my dancing pose, which I must admit appeared to be too strict a head position to allow for eye contact). We talked of life since then, of travels and jobs and school. She likes camping, which doesn't help her in my book. But perhaps my upbringing made me biased against that in the same way that I dislike the idea of road trips. Gotta keep an open mind. Anyway, we made vague plans to go to karaoke or dancing sometime, though I told her that I'd probably mostly be studying until December.

Anyway, I need a weekend of nonstop studying so that I don't have to think about social encounters anymore. I'm not used to people.

Our Witness

This election is awful. I've decided, for the moment at least, to avoid church until the election is over. Last week, I found myself judging people based on the amens I heard. Their political affiliations became obvious.

And it's tough to be forgiving of the Christian community when they choose a candidate who stands for so much that the Bible stands against. My convictions force me to be at odds with the evangelical church. And why? Because when I share my faith with a Muslim, illegal immigrant, African American, or, let's face it, a woman, I spend my time clarifying that Jesus was actually in favor of minorities, not against them. I am convinced that as a follower of Jesus, I could not support such a candidate, because it ruins my witness. As it is, the evangelicals voting for Trump sort of make me feel like I'm eating my words. So rather than share my faith, I end up taking the side of other religions, because at least they have the decency of mutual respect regardless of religion, skin color, etc.

I also have friends with PTSD from past sexual assault. They can't watch the debates. It triggers them. And it certainly drives me to drink too much, even as I'm trying to cut back.

So I look forward to November 9. So this can finally be over.

The Shaking Of Community

It's a rainy Sunday. I skipped church 'cause I stayed up late watching a new show (and because my feelings about the church in general have become very mixed with this election). The girl I kinda distance crush on was there, but I only know through pics posted on social media.

I'm feeling more and more at odds with the world immediately around me. I wish that I agreed more with people here in Texas. And I wish that my convictions weren't so closely tied to my opinions. Or that everyone else would have a faith that wasn't so closely tied to their choices; it makes me feel like my faith and my convictions from my faith are in opposition to one another.

The thing I miss most, ministry, is something that I'm also afraid of becoming involved in again. This is due to a number of reasons, some practical, but a big one is this distrust that has arisen in me.

I don't know what I am anymore. If it wasn't for the community here, I feel that my faith might have a chance to be stronger. But the community that is meant to strengthen my faith actually shakes it. My world was once simpler. I was once simpler. But the temptation to throw babies and bathwater out together has only increased in the last few years, and it just seems trying when I attempt to separate them out.

On The Flight Last Night...

Going to Ireland and Scotland again... This is where so many journeys started. Ireland is where the world shattered in some ways, when I found out about my parents' upcoming divorce six years and some months past from today. After all, when you are taught that something is wrong, and then those that taught you participate in the thoroughly engaging legal process involved in committing such an act, your perspective is forced to change somewhat. I still hate divorce, hate the sin that causes it and that it causes, but it is quite present. All around me. Friends are divorced and friends are marrying divorced people. And here I am, wondering which beliefs to hold onto in the midst of all of it.

Scotland in particular has reminded me of what makes me want to date someone. All of those places in Europe where you are something beautiful and you just wish that there was someone there with you that you're connected with in such a way as to have a moment captured in both of your minds and hearts simultaneously.

But at best, I've had strangers who manage to be at the same place with me, and the moment is captured in a flicker before the wisp flutters into nothing. Then you wish them a good evening, maybe add them on Facebook, and content yourself with a snapshot in time lacking in the depth that something inside yearns for.

I'm no longer quite so convinced that there is someone out there for me, romantically speaking. Of course, the danger in this thought process is the idea that I no longer need to "save myself" for someone. But on the other hand, I have saved myself not for any future person, but rather for God. 

The relief I can hold onto in any of this is studying medicine. At least there, the rules are relatively clear in terms of rules and ethics. The struggle with faith and social issues and life can fade away somewhat in the face of science. It is probably not the best coping mechanism, but it is what I have.