Going to Ireland and Scotland again... This is where so many
journeys started. Ireland is where the world shattered in some ways, when I
found out about my parents' upcoming divorce six years and some months past
from today. After all, when you are taught that something is wrong, and then
those that taught you participate in the thoroughly engaging legal process
involved in committing such an act, your perspective is forced to change
somewhat. I still hate divorce, hate the sin that causes it and that it causes,
but it is quite present. All around me. Friends are divorced and friends are
marrying divorced people. And here I am, wondering which beliefs to hold onto
in the midst of all of it.
Scotland in particular has reminded me of what makes me want
to date someone. All of those places in Europe where you are something
beautiful and you just wish that there was someone there with you that you're
connected with in such a way as to have a moment captured in both of your minds
and hearts simultaneously.
But at best, I've had strangers who manage to be at the same
place with me, and the moment is captured in a flicker before the wisp flutters
into nothing. Then you wish them a good evening, maybe add them on Facebook,
and content yourself with a snapshot in time lacking in the depth that
something inside yearns for.
I'm no longer quite so convinced that there is someone out
there for me, romantically speaking. Of course, the danger in this thought
process is the idea that I no longer need to "save myself" for someone.
But on the other hand, I have saved myself not for any future person, but
rather for God.
The relief I can hold onto in any of this is studying medicine. At least there, the rules are relatively clear in terms of rules and ethics. The struggle with faith and social issues and life can fade away somewhat in the face of science. It is probably not the best coping mechanism, but it is what I have.
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