Too Poor for Drugs

I am so poor that I rawdogged sleep last night. Just worked on a comedy song and then passed out. Nothing putting my brain in an otherworldly state, nothing else in my system apart from some endorphins from a workout. And of course I played Civ VI for hours because for some reason that comes with the netflix app now? It is a step up from Civ IV (which I also have on my phone), so that is nice.

But also how do I make money? That line producer texted me back with like "Yeah, I'll let you know if something comes up" and now I sit.

Edibles had me feeling like I had to consume a lot of calories, and not taking edibles has me feeling like my body wants to drop the excess baggage. I would eat to a point of physical discomfort, then lie down, and maybe that is a bad habit. Not as bad as a the alcohol though.

I still need to come up with a vehicle for that Malaysian show. For all the difficulty of the leadership involved in that workplace comedy, I really did get to shine. And the way we played that was by me just being an extra cast member acting silly and dumb. So how do we put me as that into a Malaysian world? An outdoor cooking show, since street food is such a trend in Malaysia? Maybe I am someone's in-law, or I am visiting due to legal troubles in the US? The fact that I do not cook could come into play? I am competent in so many areas, but I have a poor sense of smell, and I eat out. Living in a car for a year has been easy because of this.

Welp

With the no money thing, I do find myself drawn back to what is one of the most cost-effective poor person pursuits, writing. Got a laptop and all I have to do is type upon it. I mean, I also need ideas, and willpower, and I am also tempted to take an adderall, except that those are in limited supply, and I do not know if I have enough to work on in a focused manner today.

So instead, I am just waiting for electronics to charge in a too-loud coffee shop. No, do not worry, I did not buy a coffee. They get plenty business, have gotten plenty of mine, and, critically, I am poor.

I texted a line producer friend to ask for work. Who knows.

Holidays

Well, I am poor again.

I am gonna have to go full thrift mode soon.

Apart from during my last surgical rotation, this is the only time that I have spent the holidays away from home. Both my mom and my brother visited separately for different reasons, so I got to see them.

But I would have done the same thing at home as I am doing here, except with less freedom and with enduring my brothers' transphobic rants.

I have irons in a few fires. Two feature films being written that would land me in significant roles, maybe a show in Malaysia, a workplace comedy pitch that would shoot locally, though I am wary about those involved. Plus my daily little music thing.

But still, unless the industry picks up in the new year, it is gonna start feeling stupid. Granted, I have been here in LA for almost a full year of the worst time in history to do so. This year, I got my first bit of good footage for reels, I am actual friends with some comedy buddies who had previously just been collaborators from across the country, I got my first writing credit on imdb, and I tried weed gummies for the first time.

Where does it leave me? I am still idly working on that comedy special, though now it involves musical aspects, which I largely have yet to learn and write. Maybe I can stand to do more live performances at open mics if I do it with the ukulele?

I am trying to write a few scripts, but eh... I was so good with my role in the workplace comedy. No prep, no rehearsal, just improvising in character. That was very fun and easy. Imagine getting paid to do it!

But whatever, I am too multitalented to know how to aim myself. Hopefully my manager finds something. Or any of the things I do turn into money-making things. I have some decent merch ideas! What is the first step with that? How do I turn brain and doing things into money? Even if I perform live, merch is the way to survive... But even better if I can just work on a film set...

A Wee Update

Spent the last two weeks shooting a workplace comedy set in a morgue. I helped write, and although there is some conflict there, my work ethic, combined with my improv and slapstick skills, completely won everyone over. When you sit down for an improvised interview and have people crying from their struggle to avoid laughing, you have maybe done okay. The downside is of course that this group making the workplace comedy was primarily made up of actors who are not necessarily comedians, so I struggled to take in the compliments. And probably rightly so. But then again, simple is often better, so it is tough to be sure. There were lots of charity laughs, laughs that felt expected or owed, so hopefully what I contributed was something different.

Tubi reportedly offered them $150k to make that show, so this was an attempt to get something shot to shop around for a higher price. But they are decently connected (creator's boyfriend is a prolific voice actor), so we will see!

Leaning into that improv and slapstick, and avoiding confrontation by hiding in my head, all of it helped me feel more like my old self.

I started taking edibles. The drinking had become problematic, and still is, but edibles give a somewhat similar sensation at lower cost, so I have been chomping those most nights. Big downside is the short-term memory loss. If I want to remember something, the best way is to record myself.

This is the first week in the 5 1/2 years that we have done the podcast that we did not record a new episode, opting instead to release a Patreon one. Why? We was busy.

I have continued improvising daily little songs, and can always work on those if I feel like expanding my repertoire. Some of the songs are starting to get over a thousand views on Instagram. As annoying as it is, instagram remains possibly the best platform on which to go viral. Friends and friends of siblings have been reaching out to say how much they like my songs, how they watch every one that I post.

So maybe soon, I will be known for it, and maybe when that happens, I will have some songs actually written so I can maybe make a profit? Like, via live shows or, ideally, with the recorded versions, but that is a difficult space in which to get discovered. Acting is hard to break into, but unlike acting, far more people I have known in my life thought they could make it as musicians.

Back to the Real Me

I have been trying to develop a pitch for this Malaysian show, and the other day, I confessed to my Malaysian screenwriter buddy that med school taught me to suppress my realest self (which I had more fully embraced in college) in order to act normal, because that "normal" person could gain trust and establish rapport more easily in the five minutes that a medical doctor has to do so with a patient. The response to this? Unlearn it. I could hardly fathom the potential relief of letting my real self out again.

So I went to a friend's surprise birthday party the next day and, while there, I hung out with a professional screenwriter friend who is also from Texas. And I felt so seen. We had the same kind of weird brains that have to compensate for social settings. Before you kiddos freak out, she has a boyfriend. And he is great. But an important component of how my brain used to work is that I did always have a distance crush (which gave me some hope that I no longer possess), so I am looking into tricking my brain into thinking once again that romance can happen. Another incredibly critical aspect of that brain of mine was that I was constantly taking it back to my 12-year-old state of mind, and I regularly checked back into that. I am not sure if I can do that, but we will see.

Another thing that Malaysian friend emphasized was that as I find that weird realest version of me, I need to be happy. Writing should be fun. This differs significantly from how I think of every major pursuit in my life. I reflexively tend to think that writing is generally torture but in a weird masochistic way, and that happiness is impermanent and therefore irrelevant. I also thought "Well I'm happier than I have been in a long time here in LA" to which another voice responded "then why do you get drunk every night just like you did in Texas?" Worsening my skin and voice and increasing my risk of cancer may in fact be a very stupid approach to becoming famous, so hey everyone, I have been sober for a few days. And it annoyingly feels nice.

A few months ago, I went to an improv show. I knew it as a fun and welcoming place, so before I walked in, I thought "I can be myself here." Then I tried that with one of the hosts of it, and it made her very uncomfortable. So I thought "okay, I can only be myself here onstage." But what if I could present that as my actual personality on the greater stage of a show in Malaysia? Surely that would be a therapy perfectly tailored to me.

New Laptop

I bought a new (used) laptop on ebay for $110. I did this in part because I booked a gig, and I must say that booking a PA gig for six days at $175/day after running very low on money is so nice. The 1st AD likes me a lot, and I like that he is so efficient. Setup and teardown are busy, but when we are going, I often have a lot of time to do what I would be doing on my own, just doomscrolling.

Unlike my old laptop, this one can actually hold a charge, so I will no longer have to hunt for outlets every time I want to write. As someone who wants writing to be a major focus, this feels like a smart investment. Especially for those times on set when I am just sitting around, surely I can chip away at little projects now. Even just the podcast stuff, if I can get ahead on those, then I can be free to force myself to write jokes and, ideally, comedy songs. Those comedy songs could be my ticket. I just need to play out these concepts that I have. Annoyingly, as a musician friend put it, the only way to do that is to "make noise." I cannot just sit and write the things.

Doom and Gloom

Okay fine, I am writing. Started writing blogs a number of times in the past few weeks, but then I got work (background acting, screenwriting, PA) and last night was the election. I did not vote because genocide is a deal-breaker for me, and both candidates would have done more of it. Oh, and I am not registered to vote in California anyway. Now that we have Trump again, we are going to die out at faster rate, but this was a hopeless situation regardless. On the bright side, LA a measure to double the money going to help the homeless. And a trans woman was elected to Congress.

Climate change, global air systems, everything is collapsing. Our nation is fascist.

Oh, and I tried an edible last night while drunk. First time. But I fell asleep, so really I was just kind of spacey when I woke up a few hours later and brushed my teeth to go to bed. Main recurring thought that I had while high? "Unimpressed"

I played my one comedy song the other night at a wrap party, and it was very well-received. I am working as a PA with the same 1st AD starting on Friday. I still have not been paid for my other recent work, but hopefully I will get any of it soon, because I am running on fumes.

Poor Enough

Well, I am now poor enough to be worrying a bit. Instead of trying to make myself write, I am going through Backstage listings to try to book something. Even a PA gig would be a relief.

Those shows I am co-executive producing now have show bibles, an international distributor, and essentially everything besides money. Too bad I live in a car, or I would check couch cushions for the $80 million we need to fund it.

I went to Son of Monsterpalooza yesterday and met a number of special effects makeup artists. Once again, I met some nice folks who were excited to work with me in the future.

I finally got footage back from the short film earlier this year that I think actually shows off my acting skills. So I just put together a little reel. Hopefully it helps with anything.

Back in LA

Snow Patrol came out with a new album. They only do that once every many years.

I have 30+ song requests waiting for me on my podcast's TikTok. It is nice.

I am back in LA after two weeks in Texas. During that time, I did not visit the gym. What I have learned is that if I do not work out, I now have to limit my caloric intake. It sounds obvious, but thanks to the gluttony I experienced on that transatlantic cruise, my body is now far more capable of overeating. Rather than the abs holding back the gut, I now know what it is to relax it way out. So I guess I am something of a real person. That being said, it is fortunately still pretty easy to remain disciplined in this regard. I can just not eat much in a day.

Those pilots that I am co-executive producing. What if it happens? As I was looking over some of the proposed cast and my position in the production, I realized that there is a decent chance that I will be in the room for auditions, at least when roles have been narrowed down a little. My opinion could be what makes a career happen, or not, especially for the coming of age pilot. Crazy.

Granted, I am always thinking of my roster of talented buddies and how I can involve them in whatever production I influence. Thus far, that has all been unpaid opportunities.

A Stop In Texas

Significant update regarding those pilots. That showrunner wants to shop around both pilots. I had a much more significant hand in shaping the other of them, so much so that the writer changed the second half to include a role for me. This role is just significant enough that it could help give me a real boost as an actor, but is also realistically small enough that I would have a chance to book it while other roles are taken by actual name talent.

If both of them are picked up as pilots, I make six figures. If even one is picked up for multiple episodes, six figures. What I am saying is that I make like $50k per episode, plus the amount that I would make in equity afterward. Not to mention whatever I make for the acting roles. I have kept in contact, but really, the work is all on the part of the writer now, and I mostly offer some input, and will presumably be learning more about how to do my job in the event that the money comes in.

Also, I am currently doing reshoots in Dallas, but before I left LA, I had brunch with a special effects artist who is working on all the big movies and shows. We talked for hours and had a lovely time. She went to med school for a year and has plenty of mutual interests. She has a fetus foot, which had me loling. It is what it sounds like, and was prompted by her saying "sorry if I walk weird."

For well over a decade, I have used the same messenger bag, but the zipper began only working to open it. This is great when I want to open it, but on occasion, I do like to close it, so last night, I transferred my mass of books and electronics to another bag.

I have continued posting daily to TikTok on both my personal and my podcast account. The podcast account is growing in followers and engagement, whereas my personal one is more stagnant in both, though the personal one does have a head start in follower count, along with one fairly viral video. On the podcast one in particular, I think I have like ten song requests that I have yet to respond to, which is great. Having options allows some flexibility for inspiration to hit.

I have not worked out since I have been back in Texas, whereas in LA, I am at the gym daily out of necessity. Suddenly, I need to watch my caloric intake. I can look bad. These are problems that I had not experienced until I partook in the glutony of that transatlantic 14-day cruise.

Things Cooking?

As I am getting excited for this comedy special, a showrunner reportedly showed great interest in one of the pilots I am co-executive producing, and said that they thought Netflix or Hulu would be interested. So now we are scraping our contacts together to see if we could get a chance to pitch.

I am getting coffee with a prosthetics makeup artist on Saturday, one that worked on the latest big stuff like Fallout and the new Alien film.

With the podcast, we have started posting daily clips on TikTok, and it is working. We respond to comments so much, and it is so fun. And I started improvising songs with ukulele to reply to some, and it is so validating to hear positive responses from strangers online.

Writing to a Special

Brain has been a veritable hurricane since I started working on this comedy special. Since I do not enjoy performing standup, and I am certainly not up for the grind of hitting mics night after night, getting my material right just once on camera would be a good route.

And now, I play the ukulele well enough to write songs. And since I can mimic the signs of a stroke with my face, I made a little video with a song about recognizing stroke. And it's gaining a little traction on twitter, so that is neat. Best part is that it has the potential to prevent morbidity and mortality.

I have so many one-liners but feel that I cannot deliver them well onstage, so filming them all as little clips would be ideal. Cunk on Earth went viral through little clipped segments, and that was obviously a huge hit.

Also, people want to hear the same stupid songs a million times, unlike standup, in which you are not supposed to repeat jokes after they are released. And I think I would like performing those live. I certainly have enjoyed my limited experience with it so far. And songs are like poetry or one-liners in terms of writing, but easier to get people to listen to them.

Okay, just spent hours writing initial drafts of like five new songs, all from concepts that did not work in standup. Might be more among my failed one-liners too.

Thrice a Vomit Then a Show

Yesterday was a single hoot. Possibly even a double. Someone had canceled for a gig last minute, and I was asked if I could step in for them. It was a paid gig involving a hot dog eating contest, so I of course said yes. Remember that calories in LA are expensive. So I show up and learned that if I had already eaten two slices of pepperoni pizza for breakfast, as I had before I received the notification regarding this gig, I can eat precisely five hot dogs (and two bottles of water I think) before I projectile vomit not once, not twice, but thrice. Then I kept trying to eat, which alotted me a bonus $25 gift card as a "Spirit Award" for pushing through, even though there was truly no reason to do so apart from the need to perform.

Then I had an audition to record. I have found a place in a parking garage nearby that has bouts of relative quiet and a blank wall. The lighting is not great, but decent enough for the task. Or so I assume, though maybe it will keep me from getting booked. In any case, my insides were still working through the enormous input of food and water and the instability of the intestinal tract that inevitably follows a round of emesis, so I had a headache and felt less than ideal for the next few hours. This was a shame, because that night, I had a show. I wrote a song for the first time over this past month, along with standup about my friend's testicular cancer diagnosis (and removal). My intention had been to spend the day workshopping and memorizing what I had written, but my body had finally begun to earnestly decline approaching further cognitive efforts, and I thus was still reading from my script when I performed. It was alright, but like most times I have performed, I felt like it was sorely lacking.

After writing the above paragraph, I texted a writer/director friend about filming a comedy special, partly as a way to raise capital on the cheap. He is interested. Braining some storm about that now.

It could be so, so fun.

Technically Sustainable

I wrote a song on ukulele to accompany a standup set about my friend's ball testicular cancer. I am still unsure about how audiences will handle jokes about a cancer survivor, but in my defense, my friend and I were pretty immediately joking about it, even when things were uncertain. What spurred me on to actually write standup about it was the fact that that friend posted on social media a PSA to check yourself for lumps. I do not do it with regularity, which is dumb, so hopefully I can make this and other medical PSAs.

I have been going through my old xanga blog posts and apart from being horrified at how I spelled some words ("schedual"), I reference a girlfriend named Tasha multiple times. Since I have never had a girlfriend, I wonder if this is a repressed memory or a bit. I am leaning toward the latter, though knowing me, I might never actually explain it in the blogs.

New strategy since getting back to LA is to focus on doing background work to make money. You get to be on set, eat from crafty, and (barely) be on camera for a little bit. And it can pay $100+ a day, which is about as good a rate as a lot of other roles these days. You meet people and basically hang out. And if I can get enough of these gigs lined up, even just one every week or two, that might be enough to cover my overhead. Did one last week, and I have another one booked for Monday.

I have officially signed the paperwork to be co-executive producer for two pilots. I met the writer/director/producer through another project, and have since been going over the scripts with him and offering to help however I can. For myself, the script noting was, at baseline, a good exercise for me to do. But for him, especially for the dark noir pilot, the notes resulted in a rewrite of the second half of the pilot, and the introduction of a character intended to be played by me. Recurring role baby! He is chasing after funding, and I am trying to connect him to talented but undiscovered friends.

He set a deadline to get funding for October, which is, what, six weeks away. What is nuts is that if we do get funding, I will go from living in my mom's car in a parking garage to making six figures next year as co-executive producer. $50k per episode, and even at the low end of the projections for return on investment in the financial plan, I would literally become a millionaire. Crazy. Of course, because I am loving my current situation, my brain currently thinks that I should pocket the money rather than spend, what, half of it on rent. But maybe that opinion will change when I am not poor. I spend so much time writing that really, I imagine just traveling more. I daydream a little about going back to Isle of Skye just to write for a couple weeks. It was an incredible place. But then again, I could see myself going to any number of places around the world, including new spots, in the same way.

In the meantime, I will assume that such an idealized financial situation is beyond my grasp. Keeping working and writing, keep honing skills.

Back in LA

Well, things have changed a tad since my last post. I am back in LA after shooting a feature and short film, and also doing a standup show. I also talked to the writer/director of two pilot scripts and, since I am on board and helping so early, he offered to make me co-executive producer, which would turn into $50k per episode for me (with ten episodes planned for the first season), on top of whatever I make as an actor. 

Biden dropped out and endorsed Harris, and it seems like the most politically hopeful time since before Obama. We get that it is a false hope, that it will only slow our descent into fascism, but it is still nice to see that Trump stands a decent chance of losing.

The standup show incorporated slapstick, which took barely any prep and was the highlight of the show. I had only thought of the bit a couple days before doing it, but it resulted in 16 seconds of laughs as I threw myself around. Very fun and easy, much easier than writing something clever, and it seems less risky. No one is too drunk to comprehend slapstick. So now I have to write to that some more I guess. Especially since no one else is doing it?

Now my brain is churning around my feature film idea. I am remembering so many little jokes from Hot Shots! that I would love to emulate in a glorious genre juxtaposition.

I should find out this month whether I made it into any of these comedy festivals. Kinda scary, because I now know that I need more stage time to get better. I have exhausted the writing stage. So the clock will be ticking if I get in. Time to start rehearsing those one-liners with a ukulele...

Last Independence Day

Yesterday was, as many were casually calling it, our last Independence Day. The Supreme Court has given great power to the president, and because democrats and republicans are essentially the same, the current lame duck president will do nothing of significance with those powers to fix anything, and the republicans will wait until their nominee is elected to office in November.

So now I am finally watching some WWII documentaries, since history is obviously repeating. First thing Hitler did when he got a decent chunk of power was to have his secret service just assassinate all leaders who posed a threat to his power, even if they were on his side. Will Bernie Sanders and AOC be assassinated next year if Trump wins?

I have a week to prepare for this standup show. I still cannot seem to figure out how to use my one-liners. I am now going to try to print them out in sort of flash card style. And of course, I have other sets that I would like to try out, but I keep editing and rewriting them. Plus I have to figure out the choreography and voices, depending on the one.

Back in Texas

Living the dream. Flew into Dallas and days later, was wearing a green screen suit for a feature film. All of the actors can act, the DP knows what he is doing, and a longtime producer friend is consulting. My part was mostly contortionist stuff casting shadows, so I was in compression shorts being creepy, and it was reportedly impressive. The best part about this role is that it is all blocking, so I do not need to memorize lines. The fact that I give notes on the script is just a bonus that I bring to the table.

Then after that night shoot, I got an email from my writer/director friend with the script for a short film we plan to shoot at the end of the month. I read it once and gave my notes, which were incorporated into the script. He noted that the last film we shot was much better from my pitches, one of which was a quick final line.

Another writer/director, whose pilot script I had already read and given notes on, said that he had effectively changed the second half of it based on my notes, and he wrote in an acting role for me.

The clock is ticking for this standup show in a week and a half. I really want to make myself finish writing and then perform a particular standup set that would show off my contortionist skills in a bit of a Robin Williams-esque manner. I want to do this in part because it is a longer set, and if I can get it good and tight, it should really set me apart at festivals.

After years of hair stylists asking if I dyed my hair, and then them letting me know that I have gray hair (as if I had not noticed that trend starting a decade ago), I finally dyed my hair black last night. Well, I dyed the roots, so there are still long gray strays intermixed. It cost five dollars and like half an hour to fix this insecurity.

New Feature Idea

I thought of what may be a groundbreaking feature film idea. Instead of bending genres, stacking them. Historically, movies like Airplane! and Hot Shots are nearly shot-for-shot parodies of other movies, and the sequel to Hot Shots literally has a cameo of Michael Sheen, who stars in the movie being parodied in his scene.

So instead of getting frustrated with my inability to keep jokes out of my writing, what if I had a place for those jokes, and created context? In the first 45 minutes, we have a sci fi horror thriller. Alien comes down and terrorizes a couple during their weekend getaway. Relationship issues, violence, thoughtful difficulties. Things go sour, end on an exterior drone shot going from first floor to second, and a comedic parody of the same movie begins, maybe with one of the earlier characters from the opening shots singing a lighthearted Disney-esque song. What had been inanimate objects in the first half are now puppets that sing along, react to the scary parts, and maybe become emboldened heroes by the end of the second half.

This... this could be very good, I think. I have already written an outline for the serious version. It will need to be modified, but then it is just writing a joke version of that one.

With the prospect of potentially going to comedy festivals with industry networking events, I need to have pitches ready. For a tv show pilot, I was thinking of a comedic variety education show similar to what I do on my podcast, though I do already have an animated cartoon pilot script written (but it is currently too short). This idea would give me a feature to pitch. as well.

If I got to do a festival and meet industry people, some other homework for that would be to learn what each studio is doing or has done lately, and be able to pull comps from their stuff depending on who I am addressing.

The latest news indicates that when I get back to LA, union strikes will have begun anew, but after that ends, the industry should pick up again. I have also seen on twitter that writer's rooms are staffing, just with fewer jobs out there, which to me indicates that things will pick up in the fall and winter.

Ten Days from Dallas

Of course I go to LA and then get cast in a horror feature in Dallas. And probably a short, along with a standup show. And also the writer/director I worked with for a pilot last year of course sends me two pilot scripts, and of course I have notes on them that he thinks are good, and potentially wants to bring me on with credits and compensation. I guess as a producer? Or consultant? Who knows.

I have finally figured out how to streamline podcast recording in a car. The trick? Print out the stuff I read. I know, rocket science. Literally just walk a couple blocks to a fedex to print out a couple pages, and then I don't have to worry about my laptop running out of batteries (as it did on Monday).

My professional standup comedian friend tells me that my standup footage from a couple months ago is festival worthy. The festival I am interested in needs three minutes, so I asked which three minutes, and she said maybe the first three, but I cannot go wrong. Downside to that is that I have punched up those first three minutes since then. It should be both longer and better now.

I met with an actor who wanted to work with me on a web series to later try to make into a pilot. A big warning sign with him was that he wanted to emphasize loyalty, saying that he wanted to pitch me to a director but I should decline so he keeps the role. This weirded me out, and I instead just asked and found that I cannot work the dates suggested. Then I went to his apartment. He began to read his draft of this comedy idea, and I realized that he is a terrible writer. So I suggested that we focus on the beats of the story (parts of which sound okay), and we stormed some brain. I came up with lots of bits for it that I liked (and which I am pretty confident could play well). Days later, he texted me, saying that he wanted to finish up writing so he could start casting. This is of course another red flag. Good rapid-pace comedy takes time to write. I told him that when I am finished with my current projects, I will try to find a day to get inspired and write a second draft of his script.

I have to be more disciplined. I need to edit and memorize my standup, because I am a few weeks away from doing 15 minutes. I have plenty of material, but I am such a perfectionist about it. Like, I have one bit that I think will be incredible, but it requires choreography and voice acting, in addition to memorizing the text. Gotta do it though.

Also, giving script notes is fun. It feels like some of what I should be doing.

Aged with Structured Comedy

I aged. I am 34 now. I take 40 mg of fluoxetine daily and am living out of my mom's Prius in Los Angeles. I love it.

But enough about all that.

I went to a standup show last night, and the show featured a number of comics, one of whom was Maria Bamford. Incredible comic. Just incredible. The only time that laughter stopped was when she was talking, and when she did a brief crowdwork bit, but she even had a punchline ready for that.

Most of the comics talked about dating and sex. When you have like eight comics in a row, those topics can become boring. Maria Bamford instead talked about her own mental health issues and how she navigates them in the world.

I also listened to The Lonely Island and Seth Meyers podcast, and this week, they talked about some of their older work, and whether having children has influenced whether they prefer their old content to have a different tone. Less adult jokes, etc., and Akiva said that he just disliked when the comedy was otherwise clean, but then had one dirty joke or profanity in it that need not have been there.

These have been good reminders to me to keep my comedy clean, and let the dirty stuff just be exceptions for shows that specifically want more adult humor.

I have learned that the rewrites in standup are boring to do, and I therefore avoid them unless I have a deadline like a show. I had such a deadline a few weeks ago, so I did this act that was very physical. Annoyingly, the video I have of the performance demonstrated to me that although it is very promising, I really mostly figured out blocking. So I need to tighten up all the jokes around the physical bits. It is like choreographing a dance routine, except that I have to talk too. Very annoying.

A downside to the fluoxetine's effects with regard to the decrease in anxiety is that my work ethic is a little compromised. No longer do I lay awake at night, overstimulated thoughts racing, unable to sleep because the brain wants to work. Occasionally, I was able to use that restlessness to figure out jokes. They are fascinating little puzzles that can work if you put in the time with patience, but oh how I lack the patience. This is part of why I like to have so many projects going on at once. But of course, I have a standup show next month, which means that I have another deadline. And the last such show I did, I had fifteen minutes to fill. The last show I did well, I had eight minutes.

I met with a friend who works in branding and is fairly well-connected in the comedy world, and he noted that me having lots of one-liners is a good problem to have. He also pointed out that my comedy sets will need to have a focus on structure. The problem with my being so diversified in my talents and comedic sensibilities is that I have to line them up properly. After I talk about dissecting cadavers, do I say some one-liners about seeing patients? Or about death? Or should I save that for after I do a silly cartoonish one? These questions demand some answers, and it might require multiple adderall-fueled sessions for me to make real progress on them. My supply on that end is unfortunately quite limited.

The Monstrous Palooza

This past weekend, I visited Monsterpalooza. Never have I ever been so welcomed simply for being who I physically am as a person. I spoke to so many prosthetic makeup artists, introducing myself as a contortionist who wanted to model, and nearly all of them very quickly wanted to exchange information. One in particular was in charge of the directory for a makeup school and said that they literally have only two other contortionists listed, so I will genuinely be in demand.

With the recent success of the new show Fallout, which involves a lot of prosthetic work, the timing might be extremely fortuitous. Just seem like excellent prospects.

The writer/director I worked with on that pilot last year has sent me two pilot scripts, with the promise of a third one on the way. He wanted to hear my thoughts and to know if there were any parts I could see myself playing. And another filmmaker friend, who produced the award-winning short film I made 20 years ago, reached out to gauge my interest in playing a shadow creature in a feature film in Texas this summer, mostly in July. Additionally, the writer/director who I very much enjoy working with has talked up doing another short film this summer, so hopefully I can manage it so I can fly in and knock all the projects out in the same timespan.

Feeling hopeful and excited that I am where I want to be in my birthday week.

Signed

I did a standup show last month that felt like what I had set out to write two years ago. I sent the footage to my old manager from child actor days, and he signed me last week. Well, technically just added me on Actors Access and confirmed all of my details so he could shop me around. But he started talking about doctor hosting work that would pay $125k a year, which would be amazing, though in the moment, all I could think of was if they tried to get me to push ethically unsound drugs or vitamins. But obviously, making six figures as a celebrity doctor host is literally a job that I tried to search for a couple years ago. It would be a dream day job while I try to work up some tv and movie deals.

I did another show this past Thursday and reviewed that footage a couple days ago, which is exciting, because I spent many hours that day writing and rewriting the set. So now I know that I can be kinda decent with new standup even on short notice. Lots of room to improve, but I am worlds better than most any open mic comic.

Living in My Mom's Car & Loving It

I was staying in the spare bedroom of a couple for two months, but that ended, and I have been back to car. And if I am honest, I really like it. I finally caved and ordered a zoom recorder, so I should now be able to record the podcast in the car now.

Since I last updated... I went to an open casting call for Big Brother, but I have not heard back, so no bets there. Then I took a tour of a prop studio thanks to a connection via the online writer's group I meet with, and that helped introduce me to a guy there who used to work in prosthetics. He tells me that I should be able to get a foot in the door for creature work by reaching out to studios, and also by attending Monsterpalooza at the end of May. I had planned to just drive home since although I adore LA, I was beginning to feel like I was no longer doing much of use here. But my mom and sister are going on vacation for a month, and I am now flying rather than driving, so that I can get back in time for Monsterpalooza. Today, I emailed the various effects studios with my photo, resume, and some videos displaying my contortionist skills. Hopefully something will come from it! Regardless, that prosthetics friend said he would introduce me to folks at Monsterpalooza.

I did an improv show, which was very fun, with an open invitation to come back. I also did my standup variety act in a way that was close to how I imagined it could be when I first started writing, so I am excited to get that footage and write more. A couple days after I get back from LA, I will have stage time to work on said variety act via the host of that improv show in another show he is starting. Oh, and I told him that I would be interested in his X-Men improv show that he is starting back up after many years.

I just visited a dear friend up in San Francisco this past weekend. She always wanted children, and through IVF, she is now pregnant with the child of her boyfriend. Among other things, she, her friends, and I talked about where I am in life with romance and acting. The good friend said that my faith was such a driving force behind my becoming a doctor, and wondered how I felt about it now that I am less faith-focused and no longer trying to practice medicine. I feel that if I had gotten back into acting just before or after college, I would have potentially become famous and successful, but also a worse person. Now I feel that I am poor but a much better person than I might have been. Additionally, when I was first asking God to speak to me, the leadership at church told me "just wait" and "be patient," which was followed months later by a prophet telling me that I would become a medical doctor. Now, my old manager from child actor days is echoing those same sentiments of "just wait" and "be patient," and somehow it feels familiar and hopeful. Those friends also asked me about dating, and I said that I am happy to stay single now, that for various reasons including my own empathy and how my brain obsesses when I am in a relationship, I do not want that for myself. This was my honest take, but then my dreams that night were of me in despair and unable to process what I was going through. And then last night, the dreams were of flirting with cute girls. So perhaps my subconscious does not like my current contentment with leaving romance behind.

Loving It

Ah, life in LA. It is all expensive, but I adore it here. I was on Judge Mathis last week. Then I went to a networking event over the weekend and met so many writers and directors, and my contortionist stuff was continually impressive to everyone. Then last night, I went to Paul F. Tompkins's live event Varietopia and got to comedy geek out hard when Vic Michaelis and Andy Daly were the guests. And then I met Vic after the show! Very exciting.

I plan to audition for the show Big Brother on Saturday. If I booked that, it would be huge. Even if I only lasted for a week, I am confident that I would be able to cultivate a significant online following.

And there is a podcast conference happening next week, and I have one friend going, so I will try stopping by the networking part of that.

I need to focus on live performing. I bought a ukulele last week, and it is indeed easier to play compared to guitar, but like the rest of my act, I need to actually practice. Unlike last week, this week is mostly empty, so I will have less excuse to avoid it!

Must Not Be Idle

I have been trying to get myself to update this for weeks. I was a PA and day player on a vertical film project. It was low budget, but I am told that I will be paid. For that time, I was living out of the Prius I borrowed from my mom. It was nice, especially when we worked long hours, because I could drive to the Planet Fitness closest to the next day's shoot location, then shower and whatever else to get ready for the next day. This helped me to be among the first on set, and also among the last to leave, and I therefore made a great impression with everyone involved.

Then one of the friends I had made through my podcast, in her worry over my safety with car camping, found some friends who had a guest room for me. They have been very kind and accommodating, and I have made sure to be quiet and try to help when I can with their pets (four rabbits and three cats). They are also major cinephiles, so I will sometimes watch things with them that I normally would not on my own. Their birthdays are both at the start of April, so from talking with them, it sounds as though watching their pets while they go to celebrate will be a way to repay them, as I already did the other day for their anniversary.

The same friend who got me that PA gig invited me to the premiere of a film that he had executive produced. So I helped usher people along for the red carpet aspect and made friends with a couple of the people interviewing the actors. One was a nursing student, so now she is listening to my podcast. I was so busy with making sure that the photos and interviews went smoothly that I missed the film itself, so I hung out in the lobby and met some folks who seemed kinda connected? One said that he was grabbing martinis with the head of MGM, another ran the social media for that night's film, and the other kept talking about auditions in the morning, so I assumed she was an actor. Eventually, they found out that I am a contortionist/medical doctor/actor, and the supposed actor turned out to be a casting associate for Rob Lowe's 911 spinoff show who now wanted to connect. It is nice when your social lifelines turn out to work in casting.

My favorite director to work with will be in town this weekend with his family. He is based in Houston now, but had previously been in LA, and will be here while his wife promotes her novel at a few events. So I told him that I would be free to help him as needed.

The day before that premiere, this past Tuesday, I got my first refill of antidepressants in the mail. The fluoxetine at the starting dose of 20 mg per day got my energy levels back to the baseline of the past few years, but then I doubled my dosage with the refill, and I think the difference is notable. I feel a little wired, kind of like how I am on caffeine except without the extra anxiety. I say that knowing that I had gotten coffee in recent past and was frustrated that it did not seem to be hitting. But now I feel that the meds and the caffeine are hitting in such a way that makes me feel like I'm in my early- to mid-twenties with regard to mood. You know, a time before the existential depression that comes with the burden of a doctorate level of medical knowledge could rest upon my cheery head.

I have a few directors to meet with, but I am about to have less going on, and if that trend continues, I need to start going to the open mic that my friend recommended I try. I do not want to be idle. And although I am wary of how my successful comedy friends are not getting acting roles due in part to their busyness, I also need to hone every skill in my toolbelt. Acting? Of course. Standup? Yes. Improv? Every week. Contortionist? Always. Medical doctor? Oh right, that too. And I have done enough stunts that I would really like to have proper stunt training, but I have not had that yet.

Just texted with a director buddy about a short comedy sketch idea, and she sounds game. This is the bright side to everyone being out of work!

Staying in LA

Aaaaand I am in LA. Been here for eight days. I got to meet some friends in real life and got paid to be an extra on set with some funny people. And I got to see friends perform sketch, standup, and improv. Then I attended a soiree mixer thing, and the host of that event asked me if I want to assist him in a film production. So now I am doing that, presumably working as a PA along with a small speaking role.

My original plan had been to alternate between staying in hostels and sleeping in my mom's car ((which I borrowed for the trip), but the car has been so pleasant that apart from the first night, I have continued staying there. I clean up and work out at a gym, then go on my way.

When I walked up to my old manager's office, which is also where we had taken acting classes, it was unfortunately closed. But I emailed him and received a call from him the same day, and I got to pitch myself. He was very friendly and, when he learned that I do comedy, he gave me a pilot to give notes on. As for potential work, he said that the work is "sh*t" and the pay is "sh*t", but we can keep in contact and see what it looks like in a month. So just like what I was told at 12 years old when asking God to speak to me, my manager said, "just wait, be patient."

Another comfort was that a member of my friend's sketch group works in sales for my favorite education resource in med school. What are the odds? When I told my slightly famous standup friend, she responded, "You were meant to be here!"

I adore it here. It is the ultimate vacation. Last night, it rained and I fell asleep to the sound of it pattering on the windows of the car. It was glorious. There is supposed to be a flash flood risk this weekend, so I need to park on hills. Fortunately, this city has a great many of those, along with mountains. I casually drove up one the other day to get my cardio in. Speaking of which, I am not doing enough cardio because wow, the incline kills me so fast. That and it is distanced from the gym, whereas I normally try to hit up both in a row.

Despondent

I used to write these reflections at the end of a given year. This year... I was in a somewhat viral heavy metal music video, two television pilots, and a short film. I also wrote a pilot (which was not good) and a few other scripts (which seem better so far). I have dubbed over a great many foreign films, often playing multiple characters. I also performed one open mic, did my first paid standup show, and another small one. My podcast also got a sponsor, though I just got an email about switching to commission-based work from now on, which I do not love.

Altogether, these are a not insignificant. But they are also not paying bills. But what can I do? I apply for jobs here and there, but do not hear back except for occasional rejections. I started taking antidepressants the day after Christmas, and started feeling increased energy a few days ago, but have yet to feel much of a change in mood or anxiety.

You know what has me feeling this writer's block? Rewrites. I hate rewrites and revisiting work. In the past, I tended to write good first drafts, so I never needed to rewrite very much. But a good screenplay takes like a hundred rewrites, and standup comedy is performing the same stuf over and over with minor tweaks.

Maybe hopping over to LA will provide me with opportunities. 

I stayed in bed for the past few days. I have energy enough now that going to the gym was not so bad, but the motivation to get up and do things has been gone. It is like I have a cold, but without the respiratory aspect. I spend all day scrolling twitter. Even this blog has taken me over a week to write.