Birthday Spews

I turned 23 today. Please hold your applause, vomit, and hisses.

I’m at sort of a crossroads. Maybe the next week, but more likely the next month, could reveal what I’ll be doing this fall. God, what do you want for me? What God wants most is for me to hang out with Him, but I don’t think I even know how to do that while also working so hard without being forced into it on a mission trip. This past year, I didn’t have nearly as much quiet time, and look where it got me. I can relate to other people now, but snap, it cost me so much. So much lost… And I'm sure I could’ve learned to relate to people even without all of that. My problem before was that I saw myself as being pure and redeemed, which I was, but to the point that when other people talked about what they were dealing with, I would think “Well, I’ve dealt with that, and I’m finished with it. I left that behind. No more struggling with that sin.”  Then the only way I knew to deal with people who weren’t peachy with Christ was to see them as a mission, not as people. I couldn't help but feel like I had to look down on them, because I couldn't understand how people couldn't just submit their problems to The Lord and move on to bigger and better things. Me being unable to relate made me come across as judgmental, which was a problem. After all, a person’s a person.

My biggest frustration lately comes when I ask why I was the one of my friends who never, uh, did things. All of us hung out all the time, yet I feel like I’m the only virgin out of the majority of my peers. What makes me different? I wasn’t that different. I just don’t know.

May we know nothing beside Jesus crucified (from “Nothing Beside Jesus” by Young Oceans)

I didn’t agree with the song at first ‘cause of my love for learning, but now I’m realizing that no matter how much of this science crap I get into my mind, it’s never going to be enough, and I just wanna get to know Jesus more, which is why I got into all this stuff anyway.

I’ve been falling back into it, though, granted, it’s been in a more wholesome way. I’ve spent all my time since I’ve been home either studying, working on med school applications, watching NetFlix, going out with friends, helping out with the family, or working for my dad. All of these are good things if done correctly, but I’ve once again left out quiet time and alone time and all that.

I went to a bar on Monday night with my best friend from high school, the only one I tried to keep up with while I was in college. A girl came over to ask if we were gay (she wasn’t easily convinced), and by the end of the conversation, she had told us about her life and Cameron (my friend) had given her his number to invite her to church. I just felt like I don’t know how to evangelize anymore. It’s always easier when you’re in a group whose whole purpose is to preach and teach the gospel, and that’s the only reason you’re in a given place. Otherwise, I always feel the urge to compartmentalize the different parts of me.

I don’t know how I’m going to study all that I need to study, to learn and memorize everything I need to. I have less than a month to get everything into my head so I can do well on this MCAT, which will effectively decide my future. I know God is the one deciding it, but, well, it’s still something I am responsible for. Ultimately, all to Christ.

The desire on a slow burn deep inside of me, not often allowed to express itself, is to be in Europe with a journal and sketch pictures of what I see while writing poetry and listening to a band whose music I can tie to the place, so that any time I hear that music or think of that place or see that picture, it all ties together. That’s what I did in Ireland, and it remains a precious memory fixed in my mind.

A more easily-conceivable desire is to do what I did when I began my first Juice Journal. I went to bars and just watched people and wrote about them. Maybe people-watching is the thing.

I feel the lack from not going to church, not spending enough time with God, and not getting as much from my Word time ‘cause I don’t hit up the ol’ Bible till the end of a long day.

Anyway, I think I’m gonna finish up this Starbucks time and hit up a park to just be for a lil’ bit.