Better

Well, since that last post, much has been lifted off of my shoulders. I recorded the first episodes of a fake medical podcast with some dear old friends from high school, and the product appears to be quite good, so we are making a real launch of it. This unfortunately requires more work, but that is the way of such things. I also visited Arkansas, which is always a fun experience. I modeled for a few photo shoots and also did some real networking by meeting and bantering with the head of the residency program to which I am applying this fall. That doctor and I got along swimmingly, and he later told my friend that he could arrange for me to do a rotation there this fall, so that is exciting.

I completed my online research class last week, which was easy and did not take long. So that is my tiny excuse for why I was unable to complete even one block of practice test questions. I keep hitting a wall. Once I take this stupid test, I can finally just study for whatever I am doing, rather than for a giant exam. Unfortunately, I am not at that point yet, so here I remain.

I take my playing doctor final exams at the end of the month, followed by a trip to Disney World with my sisters. That should be nice.

But emotionally, I am back to my old self. I made it back to reading the New Testament and things keep coming up, maybe potential sermons. Like, why does the author of the gospel of John mention early on that Jesus called Simon Peter and Nathaniel to be His disciples at around 4 PM? Why is that hour mentioned? A lot of this gospel seems pretty specific about what is included, as if all is purposeful.

When God Talks

I tried to do the 10-12 hour daily study schedule, but 13 months straight of clinical rotations apparently requires a break. So I took Friday off. I met up with that girl I liked last year. We had coffee. I asked her why she cut off communication, and she replied that it was just her being selfish. So that frustrated me, since what I had hoped happened was that I had done something wrong, something to trigger it, to justify it. Either way, it lifted that weight off. Having borne that weight for 10 months, the change was nice. Unfortunately, just before I asked about that, she mentioned that she has been spending more time with a particular guy. On my previous visit, she had used me to play keepaway from said guy because he had slept with many in her friend group, and she obviously was not interested in that type of guy. But two months later, the change was palpable.

The moment she told me, my heart was racing and I was shaking. But I hung out with her all day and went to billiards with her that evening. When said guy arrived, they were obviously a couple and my body freaked out. I was obviously struggling, and she kept asking what was going on, but I was afraid that it was all me; also, it was a casual social setting, so I did not bother. On the drive home and when I went to bed, my body was writhing. The next day, I had no appetite, and I couldn't really think, so I wrote it out as a poem. Then went to pick up whiskey (because what else do you do) and on the way back, I stopped at the docks. It was raining so I sat in the rain and looked out on the water and yelled at God. The tachycardia, anorexia, nausea, and anxiety were to get my attention. He wanted me to tell her that the relationship was not okay. When I settled on that as an answer, I felt peace. It even took away the depressive symptoms. So I knew that that was God.

I texted her that God had talked to me and I had unpleasant news, so she should call me when she can listen to such. She replied that she could tell, that it was readily apparent for the entire evening previous. Awaiting the call, I could barely function, just watched a sermon and then sat back and watched the storm interact with the tree outside my study area's window. I went to bed at around 11:30 PM, and was once again pretty restless until she called at 2:30 AM. I told her that God was not okay with it. Then I told her that I also was not okay with it, and explained my reasoning. I also told her that I could not be around her while she was with this guy. She stopped me to say that I am not the first friend that she has lost to this. So that made it clear where all of this was going. She wanted the night to think it over.

I had the same nausea with eating and drinking today, though I did still manage to get a workout in. Then finally texted her around 8:45 PM to let her know that maybe God was telling me to fast, so I was doing that and also praying against anything demonic just in case. Her replies then made it clear that she was not willing to consider any of what I had said, and told me off for being judgmental and that she can make her own decisions and mistakes. I told her that if she feels that way, I will ask God to release me from this and I hope that I am wrong. But obviously, the ending there is that we are not really friends at this point. My symptoms were relieved immediately after.

Hearing from God sometimes sucks. I shared His words and lost a friend as a result. On the other hand, feeling connected to God again is wonderful. It is just sad that my main stress relief while studying, karaoke with that dear friend, is no longer an option. I do not know how I will pass this career-defining exam without that.

Back Home

I moved home and cleared out a study space in my mom's house over the weekend.

Why can I not be done with all of this? I just... I am so tired. The best part of my life is when I am asleep. I am jealous of coma patients, and even more jealous of the dead. But no, I have to save the world, and to do so, I have to learn everything first.This is how it happens with the best hero stories. They are sent away, they spend time in training, and upon their return, they are far more proficient than they were before.

I am rambling, but I am also just trying to think of what I used to think of to get to sleep. Superheroes, I suppose. Or the big and bright future. And I will likely be able to do so a little better after I finally visit the gym tomorrow. But until then, WHAT BIG AND BRIGHT FUTURE?!? I give up momentary happiness all the time because I recognize the cost, to myself or others, and as a result, I constantly feel very alone and disheartened. Will I get to go outside this summer? Will I ever find that girl? Will I ever feel happy? Should I get on antidepressants to make life tolerable, or keep going on like this?

Maybe something good will happen, but the whole world has seemed trashed for years and I am so tired of giving up everything for the purpose of learning how I will eventually clean it up.

So yeah, that makes Day 1 of studying for the Step 2 exam. I am obviously psyched for it.

Feeling... Nice

I have had the last week and half off, so I have thrown myself into study mode. I am not getting the ideal 10-12 hours of studying done in one go, but even managing half that feels okay, considering that I will soon be diving into the world of ER medicine for three weeks anyway.

With that study schedule comes balance. Working out every other day (along with push/pull ups during study breaks), drinking no more than one beer per night, and focusing on powering through these lesson plans has landed me in a place of significantly improved mood. If I could continue this sort of schedule for my life (a logistical impossibility), I could perhaps even enjoy that life.

Of course, the time change also occurred this past weekend, so perhaps this has something to do with a sort of seasonal affective disorder. In any case, I feel nice. And it does not hurt that I also finished my first fourth year rotation and will be finished with another in three weeks. And after that, I have an online one that I will hopefully be able to complete in a day. Then I will finally be able to actually study for the 9-hour exam that will consume my life for the near future, potentially defining my future career, and most definitely make or breaking it for the next year.

It has gotten to be just a tad more real since this is currently match week, and many of my friends have just found their residencies.

Better Not To Marry

Why does this desire lie within me, this feeling that I must find that particular someone? Most days, it is a sad longing. Tonight, I recognize it as a weakness, that caring so much for any one person has too great an effect on one's mind. It is unsafe, unsecured.

Matthew 19:9-12

 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

10The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”

11Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given.12For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

In this passage, the disciples seemed to view divorce in the modern way. When Jesus said that it is a sin to divorce except in cases of sexual immorality, the disciples essentially see it as unrealistic and suggest that it is better to avoid risking the scenario altogether by remaining single. Jesus' reply is not comforting, seeming to convey that if you can stand to remain single, you should, but those who are able to are part of a select group.

My problem with this is that I feel that desire within me. I desire a long-term monogamous relationship, a partner to join me in saving the world. I also despise divorce after seeing how it affected my family. Even Jesus, when called out by His disciples, does not really seem to back up His own interpretation (which had been a subject of debate by prominent rabbis previous to this occasion) in a satisfactory manner.

Hopefully I can be distracted enough by studying (as I am now) to stay on the side of viewing relationships as a hindrance. But it does seem like a particularly cruel thing for perspectives on marriage and relationships to be this disfigured, even from the ultimate moral compass of Jesus.

First Day of Fourth Year

I started my last year of medical school today. My first elective rotation is nephrology, which I chose because I feel that I am weak in the subject (confirmed by my poor responses to the doctor's fairly basic questions today). He asked if I knew how to take history, to which I replied in the affirmative, and he handed me a patient chart with labs and off I went. Bear in mind that I have not taken a full patient history in months, and I have not formally presented a patient history in even longer, so I was rusty. But after a couple patients, I remembered my mnemonics and, also importantly, recalled how much I enjoy seeing patients. I have 5-10 minutes to take a history and establish rapport, and something about that just feels good. In fact, it is borderline frustrating to me that it feels so good.

I have been so depressed of late because I derive happiness from human interaction, but I am also exhausted by the same, so my life is either happily exhausted or depressingly well-rested.

I also have anecdotes from the day that I always want to share with someone, but it would be a chore to try to make it into a video or write it out. Yet another reason to find that significant other that I only maybe think I could possibly ever find.

Selfless Defined

I met a guy in my usual coffee shop today. He saw my medical textbook and struck up conversation. I told him about school and he told me about oil and gas, and we discussed the contrasts. He describes himself and his job as being essentially selfish things, basically viewing everything in terms of revenue. I conveyed to him where medicine is similar, but that I have mostly found that it differs greatly, and furthermore, I am in pursuit of what I view as the most selfless pursuit possible through medical missionary work.

He was intrigued by this, and pressed me for what exactly I meant when I claimed that it was the most selfless thing. I explained it multiple times in various ways, but he kept asking, so I simplified it to terms that seem far too basic to my mind. I told him that we go to a foreign place full of strangers and we provide services that will potentially change their lives and we do so without any expectation or desire for compensation. Though I also readily admitted that the travel and exposure was its own reward, and that a day off to enjoy a given area was generally understood to be a part of every mission trip of which I have had the pleasure to partake.

Then I did the math. I will have spent at least nine years in medical training, essentially giving up any chance of forming meaningful romantic relationships along with the youthful years during which those relationships would classically be enjoyed, all for the sake of giving away the fruits of that labor at the end of it.

Just gotta fight the depression, anxiety, loneliness, and constant desire to not feel. Feeling is the worst and I used to be better at avoiding it, but this is the price you pay for allowing yourself to briefly feel happy.