Feeling... Nice

I have had the last week and half off, so I have thrown myself into study mode. I am not getting the ideal 10-12 hours of studying done in one go, but even managing half that feels okay, considering that I will soon be diving into the world of ER medicine for three weeks anyway.

With that study schedule comes balance. Working out every other day (along with push/pull ups during study breaks), drinking no more than one beer per night, and focusing on powering through these lesson plans has landed me in a place of significantly improved mood. If I could continue this sort of schedule for my life (a logistical impossibility), I could perhaps even enjoy that life.

Of course, the time change also occurred this past weekend, so perhaps this has something to do with a sort of seasonal affective disorder. In any case, I feel nice. And it does not hurt that I also finished my first fourth year rotation and will be finished with another in three weeks. And after that, I have an online one that I will hopefully be able to complete in a day. Then I will finally be able to actually study for the 9-hour exam that will consume my life for the near future, potentially defining my future career, and most definitely make or breaking it for the next year.

It has gotten to be just a tad more real since this is currently match week, and many of my friends have just found their residencies.

Better Not To Marry

Why does this desire lie within me, this feeling that I must find that particular someone? Most days, it is a sad longing. Tonight, I recognize it as a weakness, that caring so much for any one person has too great an effect on one's mind. It is unsafe, unsecured.

Matthew 19:9-12

 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

10The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”

11Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given.12For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

In this passage, the disciples seemed to view divorce in the modern way. When Jesus said that it is a sin to divorce except in cases of sexual immorality, the disciples essentially see it as unrealistic and suggest that it is better to avoid risking the scenario altogether by remaining single. Jesus' reply is not comforting, seeming to convey that if you can stand to remain single, you should, but those who are able to are part of a select group.

My problem with this is that I feel that desire within me. I desire a long-term monogamous relationship, a partner to join me in saving the world. I also despise divorce after seeing how it affected my family. Even Jesus, when called out by His disciples, does not really seem to back up His own interpretation (which had been a subject of debate by prominent rabbis previous to this occasion) in a satisfactory manner.

Hopefully I can be distracted enough by studying (as I am now) to stay on the side of viewing relationships as a hindrance. But it does seem like a particularly cruel thing for perspectives on marriage and relationships to be this disfigured, even from the ultimate moral compass of Jesus.

First Day of Fourth Year

I started my last year of medical school today. My first elective rotation is nephrology, which I chose because I feel that I am weak in the subject (confirmed by my poor responses to the doctor's fairly basic questions today). He asked if I knew how to take history, to which I replied in the affirmative, and he handed me a patient chart with labs and off I went. Bear in mind that I have not taken a full patient history in months, and I have not formally presented a patient history in even longer, so I was rusty. But after a couple patients, I remembered my mnemonics and, also importantly, recalled how much I enjoy seeing patients. I have 5-10 minutes to take a history and establish rapport, and something about that just feels good. In fact, it is borderline frustrating to me that it feels so good.

I have been so depressed of late because I derive happiness from human interaction, but I am also exhausted by the same, so my life is either happily exhausted or depressingly well-rested.

I also have anecdotes from the day that I always want to share with someone, but it would be a chore to try to make it into a video or write it out. Yet another reason to find that significant other that I only maybe think I could possibly ever find.

Selfless Defined

I met a guy in my usual coffee shop today. He saw my medical textbook and struck up conversation. I told him about school and he told me about oil and gas, and we discussed the contrasts. He describes himself and his job as being essentially selfish things, basically viewing everything in terms of revenue. I conveyed to him where medicine is similar, but that I have mostly found that it differs greatly, and furthermore, I am in pursuit of what I view as the most selfless pursuit possible through medical missionary work.

He was intrigued by this, and pressed me for what exactly I meant when I claimed that it was the most selfless thing. I explained it multiple times in various ways, but he kept asking, so I simplified it to terms that seem far too basic to my mind. I told him that we go to a foreign place full of strangers and we provide services that will potentially change their lives and we do so without any expectation or desire for compensation. Though I also readily admitted that the travel and exposure was its own reward, and that a day off to enjoy a given area was generally understood to be a part of every mission trip of which I have had the pleasure to partake.

Then I did the math. I will have spent at least nine years in medical training, essentially giving up any chance of forming meaningful romantic relationships along with the youthful years during which those relationships would classically be enjoyed, all for the sake of giving away the fruits of that labor at the end of it.

Just gotta fight the depression, anxiety, loneliness, and constant desire to not feel. Feeling is the worst and I used to be better at avoiding it, but this is the price you pay for allowing yourself to briefly feel happy.

Occupying Evening Thoughts

Well, the problem with resigning oneself to a hopeless state with regard to eventually finding a long-term romantic partner is that the mind tends to reach to the past for experiences rather than looking to the future. The last few nights have been haunted by unwanted thoughts of these experiences and of trying to imagine a future recreation of the same sort, which is inappropriate, so I have been greatly frustrated.

It is easier to spend those last thoughts at night on dreaming of a future trip that I am planning, but I unfortunately have no such plans in the near future. I read up on that Southeast Asia trip for next year and have already grown somewhat tired of researching that. I plan to take three major exams and receive my doctorate before that trip happens, so it is hardly on the horizon. And the nature of that trip will inherently be sporadic, so there is hardly any dependence on one's research beforehand.

So I need to either plan a trip for earlier (and delve into my SE Asia money) or lie to myself about a crush again, pretending that something could possibly be realistic. Or maybe take up reading fiction again, as that can become a pleasantly occupying thought at night.

Life continues to pass by and I try to scoop up meager little bits with a bare hand.

Post Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day came and departed. I am facing the unfortunate consequences of having allowed myself to become enamored with someone in the past, namely the sadness that comes with both desiring them again and also knowing that such a thing would not happen nor be beneficial for either party.

I am always rewatching the Marvel movies, and though I am always inspired by Captain America, the Hulk has lately been far too relatable. He is this scientist who cannot form very intimate relationships for fear of bringing harm to those he cares about. In the movie Age of Ultron especially, this comes into play, as Dr. Banner becomes aware of Natalia's (Black Widow's) romantic interest in him. There is back and forth throughout, with each trying to convince the other that they are monsters who cannot be together, but also debating whether or when they could simply run away from this life. After the big battle, Dr. Banner, in his Hulk form, flies away in a ship and turns off communications as Natalia appeals for him to return.

I am always overly dramatic about these things, but I often find myself repeating to myself that I am a superhero and cannot have what others have. If I want to save the world, and I do, then I cannot afford to love or care to the degree or in the manner that others do.

I told some close friends from high school recently about a recent match I had on a dating app with a cute hospital social worker. I had intentionally screwed up the conversation to make her unmatch me because any relationship at this point would be casual dating. One friend insisted that I should stop kissing dating goodbye and just casually date for awhile, but I just cannot imagine putting someone else and myself through that. It just sounds so selfish to me. I can be stupid on my own, but dating someone else when I know that it is not going to last sounds like a partnership in stupidity. Part of being a superhero is defying the odds in terms of one's effect upon the world, and I intend to have an almost entirely positive effect on everyone I know and those beyond. I do not see how you can do that if you put someone through emotional distress for the sake of some short-term happiness.

So the soonest I could possibly realistically start dating would be when I begin residency in a little over a year, but who am I even kidding? I am rarely physically attracted to anyone enough, and personality and interests and intelligence have to match up enough as well. I am, after all, looking for a partner in saving the world through missionary work in addition to living normal life. Each of the two girls I liked in the last couple years have fallen to either side of that, either the very best company for normal life or the perfect match for missionary work.

I unfortunately no longer believe that I will find a match. Odds are certainly in favor of her existence, but not in favor of an encounter, and certainly not in favor of an encounter that leads to anything substantial.

Looking At 2019

2019 is a big year. Within six months, I will hopefully be finished with my biggest exam of med school, the Step 2 CK. I finish my third year of med school in three weeks and will finish half of my required fourth year rotations in the next three months. The most critical tasks at this point are centered around scheduling my rotations in Dallas (which will save me roughly $2,500 per month without paying for rent or the agency that schedules rotations). Of course, what occupies significant space in my mind is also researching my backpacking trip through Southeast Asia next year, and recruiting friends to join me. The latter point is a notable one, as a dear friend who plans to join is a traveling musician who rarely saves up the amount of funds required for such a trip, and typically raises money through busking while on the road. This foray will lead us into nations that are quite familiar with poverty, so performing for money would likely be both unkind and unfruitful.

In the meantime, the only thing I have scheduled for this summer is that major exam; perhaps I will even be finished with it before my birthday in June. I have missed summer sunlight, despite the predisposition to melanoma in my family. I will hopefully record a podcast with a friend and possibly obtain a scuba diving certification in anticipation of that backpacking trip.

The fourth year of med school is said to bear similarities to one's senior year of high school, with exams completed, easy rotations, traveling for residency interviews, and, in my case, plenty of extra time allotted for travel. I plan to hopefully graduate from medical school by the end of the year and then take my Step 3 before that trip to Southeast Asia. This would both improve my chances of obtaining a residency and get my major exam of my internship year of residency out of the way before that time actually begins. From what a resident friend tells me, it is remarkably similar to the Step 2 CK, so taking it sooner would be very advantageous, especially since residency is not particularly known for giving many extra hours of study time.