Texas Is Crazy (In A Bad Way)

Adjusting back to American life has been wondrous and sad all at once. I love the convenience. When I want wine and popcorn for a movie, I can go out and buy it in the space of mere minutes. Rooms are air conditioned and mattresses are padded. My broken iPhone was fixed while I filled out the form for it to be fixed. It's crazy.

But at the same time, politics create a deep divide. My beliefs, which have been shaped by years of travel and education, contrast sharply with the beliefs of those around me. Things that were common sense in my mind and in that of my medical school peers are seen as naive, and my criticisms of Republican paranoia are dismissed with this in mind. Sense is forced into bafflement by a barrage of half-formed ideas and strong emotions. In the midst of this, I have no choice but to stop speaking. Because it is like arguing with a Facebook post.

It is most easily recognizable when my mom recounts something she read on Facebook about what democrats say. I respond by telling her that I've researched this claim, and it is baseless. The democratic candidates never said it. But she does not relent in her assumption, and I am forced to resign to silence again.

It is strange to choose a political party based on which one promotes the use of facts. I would much rather that the arguments be over policy.

My mom explained to me tonight how we had no need for Obamacare. The Parkland Hospital in Dallas apparently used to allow anyone to write a billing address, and the Mexicans or black people would simply put down a false address. In her opinion, this solved this issue of healthcare. Of course, these argument seemed ridiculous to me, since we obviously shouldn't be reliant on a system in which people must lie in order to receive healthcare. Yet she remained convinced.

Talks with my dad haven't been much better, as he is convinced that the government is the problem with the world as it stands.

I just hope that I can meet new people and make friends (and maybe, perhaps possibly whatever..., a girlfriend #whaaaahhhhh????)

Happy vs Better

Tonight, I went hunting for Pokemon alone on campus. After I had made my circuit around campus wifi, I took a detour to the small cliff overlooking the ocean behind the school. I stared up at the stars, which are always plentiful here, and saw shooting stars, which are also plentiful. But as I wished to God and the stars, I found myself stuttering, because while I was wishing for things like "to be happy" and for passing the STEP 1, I was afraid of false hope in any of those scenarios.

I read a lot of posts on social media saying that all you need to do in life is find what makes you happy. Find happiness. Get the happy. I've never been after that. Short term, sure, kinda, but really, my goal hasn't included happiness. If I wanted that, my goal would be serotonin. Pop an antidepressant. No, my goals have always been to better myself as a person.

But should the goal of bettering myself make me be afraid of desiring happiness for myself? I've resigned myself to the idea that I'm probably not going to find someone that I connect enough with to marry. Sure, I'm always looking, but I'm not throwing heaps of hopes on that. I don't like false hope.

So my point here isn't so much that the pursuit of bettering oneself is preferable to the pursuit of happiness. I've just always been after the former rather than the latter (and often at the expense of the latter). I guess I'm just wondering if the balance should ever tip the other way, to the point that I can comfortably wish for happy. Curious as to whether this should be a possibility.

Passed The Basic Sciences

I passed my classes. I get to go back to America. My nerves were all in a jumble until I found out, and when I did, I couldn't process it. I get to go back to a wondrous (though greatly flawed) country. No more anxiety over whether I get to make it back. No more second-guessing every performance here.

Unfortunately, one of my good friends here failed a class, and it is being decided whether he will get to retake the class or be expelled from medical school, since he has failed a class before.

Pokemon Go came out, and I've been playing that. But of course, the island gives us no pokestops nearby where we have wifi. So we are going into town on Friday to see if we can find wifi near a pokestop.

I became CPR certified yesterday. Not too difficult.

I have an interview on Saturday to discuss where I'm doing my clinical rotations. We're supposed to come up with an elevator pitch.

I'm going scuba diving for the first time on Sunday.

And, of course, I'm studying for the COMP, the leave-the-island-forever exam. I'm pretty sure that I'll fail, but I'm obviously trying to avoid that.

I'm also, umm, actually seeing dating as a real possibility for the first time in my life. I mean, not that real, but more real than it's ever been before. But meow I've become this person that I think is the one I've been trying to be. I didn't want to date until the worst of school and my own issues were dealt with, but meow I think I may be closer to that point. It is strange.

Just A Wee Lil' Itsy Bitsy Bit Of An Update

Ah, a month since my previous post. Such is the way of the blog.

Yesterday was Independence Day. Unfortunately, I had poor internet, so I was unable to watch a patriotic movie. Shockingly (at least to me), patriotic movies can make me get misty-eyed. Like, I love God more, but I've never had to hold back tears when interacting with Him. Something about America...

The grade for the exam I was most worried about has been posted, and it is lovely. I've got a low B in the class I was more worried about, Pathology II, which means that I only have to make a 30 on the finals to pass. That's good because the final includes content from Pathology I, and I barely passed that class (Pharmacology took up the bulk of the time there). The grades for the other class, ICM (Introduction to Clinical Medicine I think), will hopefully be posted soon.

Lectures finished last week. We are left with required attendance in class from 8 AM to 4:40 PM (with an hour off for lunch) during which we quietly study by ourselves. Of course, my studying is done in a hammock in class, so sleep is also an important part of this time.

All that to say that I'm just about (not quite but mostly nearly) in the clear. I will soon need to think about life in America again. And honestly, having lived away for this long, I'm not looking forward to all of it. Racism, sexism, and xenophobia are still real in America, especially in the South; I would know.

Oh, I also participated in the talent show here again. I'm so much stronger and more flexible than I was when I first made the dance routine. I need to add more to it 'cause it's too easy.

Also, karaoke every Saturday until I leave the island.

26.

Just turned 26 today. It's the last portion of my mid-twenties. Last year, the internet went out around 12:02 AM on my birthday and did not turn back on for another day or two, so this birthday has been a step up (the island can make drinking alone in my room with internet into an improvement).

When I turned 25, I had spent a year traveling to Europe and then to med school in the Caribbean. I had discovered what real depression feels like, and the intense failure that brought it on. My worldviews were shaken considerably as I daily interacted with cultures vastly different from my own.

Comparatively, this past year has had little travel. The U.S. presidential election campaigns have revealed a darker side of America and I have felt forced to very specifically define my beliefs and the reasons for them. It has been a year of redefining my beliefs especially with regard to both current events and my readings of the Bible (specifically the Old Testament). These, combined with the legal and ethical issues that are frequently addressed in medical school, have pressured me to reevaluate most of my thinking.

But because my beliefs have been shaken and reshaped, I am starting to feel like this may be the me that I will settle on. I think it's the most informed and thought out version of me that has yet existed. And if I remember correctly from my intro to psych class in my first semester in college, I'm close to the age at which my personality becomes more permanent.

The world is changing. I feel too old and too young, and so does everything around me. How does one deal with this life of contrast? Perhaps a drink will soothe this aching soul.

Why Am I A Christian?

The power went out during every break between classes this past week. It was so draining to have to sit at school for hours rather than just take a nap in my room. Consequently, I'm already behind in studying.

I watch sermons from Pastor Judah Smith every week. His latest series has been on the downside of being a Christian, what it really means to follow Jesus. Stuff like giving up racism and prejudice (as with the contrast of Jesus' behavior verses that of his disciples when it came to the Samaritan woman at the well) and today's, which was about how home becomes redefined when you follow Christ. And that, of course, hits home with me. Me following Christ has meant that I live on an island with those whose beliefs disagree with my own by a large margin, and I spend most of my time wishing to be back in America. I don't really feel at home anywhere, but I feel snatches of it when I'm in Texas, in Arkansas, and in my own little room here.

Every time I've been asked why I believe what I believe, it's always difficult. I always feel like I answer wrong. I grew up with it, but that's not why. I like it, but that's not why. I love the history and culture of it, but that's not why. I think it's just that when I've been on the mission field, when I get to be selfless for a change, and when I suddenly find myself equipped only with what I have on me or in me at a a particular moment, that is when I find myself. I find a greater sense of purpose and accountability than I possess at any other time. Furthermore, even the most objective observer must affirm that what is accomplished in such exploits is a pure and faultless good. Because, rather brilliantly, we are finally able to look past ourselves and see what we can do for other people and actually do it.

Of course, I'm never that articulate in my responses.

After doing pretty well on my first exams, I am very much hoping that the next ones will have similarly favorable outcomes. I just want to escape this island. To study and have a social life... To be able to say "no" to peoples' requests to hang out, rather than never having any requests to respond to at all.

Where I Stand

I made an 86 in the harder class and a 76 in the easier class. Typical of me to do worse in the easier one.

I don't know where I stand anymore. My love for Jesus seems in contrast with my beliefs and my stance on a lot of issues in comparison to Christians where I grew up. To some of them, I may hardly be considered a Christian simply on account of how I interpret the beginning of the Bible. And I, in turn, find myself judging Christians for somehow justifying the backing of a man who wants to do things that specifically go against my beliefs as both a Christian and an American.

Particularly while living on this island, surrounded by learning and values involving patient rights and choice, I have found myself despising the beliefs I once grew up with. Part of this stems from the fact that I haven't lived in a Christian community for years now, and also from the ignorance present in those areas I once frequented.

It's a real struggle for me now. I study my Bible every day. I study and work hard, and I've put myself through a lot of difficulties (my travels through Europe) for the sake of making myself a better person. And becoming a better person was for the purpose of being this sort of ideal doctor and missionary. But this sound reasoning that I feel I've developed, and this moral code derived from Biblical teaching, none of it seems of great benefit. Is this what Jesus felt like in his mid-twenties? Studying hard, knowing that he'd be the only one with the proper knowledge and perspective once his ministry started?

All of those that I once looked up to appear to be supporting that which is in contrast with everything I've grown up believing.

Last night, I dreamed that I hung out (and did extremely mild flirting) with the too young girl with doctor dad. The amount of respect that I have for him is very great (probably don't want to find out who he's voting for). So I was overly careful and respectful toward his daughter, and it was great. The picture in my head of their family is one of clear Christ-centered morals, lots of sarcasm, good looks, and smart people. And that is a tough combination to find. My mind seems so fixed on where it is that I've more or less ruled out any such people existing anymore, at least in the dating realm. Maybe something will be different once I get back to the States...