Staying On It

In the midst of preparing for block exams, it's easy to become discouraged. How on earth do other people grasp this material so quickly and easily? Am I not pushing myself hard enough to study at all times? Am I giving in and taking breaks too often? I mean, I'm just trying to keep my body able to continue studying. My brain won't study if I strain everything.

My grades are what they've always been. Lower than others'. Not WAY lower, like they once were, but low enough for me to worry and them not to.

During my senior year, part of what kept me focused was the flashbacks that would smack my mind every time I thought about my mission trip to Uganda. Now, those memories have grown older. The main thing that continues to keep me going is that although this isn't the ideal place to be in life, it is the best place in life for me that I've found thus far. The alternative of life back home is just too awful, in the sense that it's too bereft of significance. Here I'm constantly challenged to know my faith enough to give answer to questions, and everything I'm learning is everything I either do or should care about for my future practice as a doctor.

So I hope I can focus this weekend. For future patients. For my own mental state. And to better myself as a person.

Block 3 On The Horizon

I feel more confident about this block. Exams are on Monday and Tuesday. A week after is the drop date for this semester, when our class gets trimmed down (15 people failed each of our last major tests).

The Oooooooooooooooool' Introversion

I forgot to get back to the ol' blog on that last post. I was frustrated because I'm an introvert and didn't get enough alone time.

Frustrated?

Sometimes, I'm overcome with frustration and don't know why. It's usually about the time when I need to go yell at God. These times came so infrequently during my senior year of undergrad. With regular workouts and #naptimes in the #blanketfort, I always felt relatively balanced. I suppose that I'll always be groaning about the lack of #blanketfort in my life until I have one again.

It's beginning to bother me a lot. Maybe if I just write out some problems, this stressful frustrated feeling I have will go away. Basic thing, I don't have access to my friends or family here. Living with my brothers was surprisingly pleasant. They and their friends were always really funny, and although not learning anything sucked, it was usually fun and lazy. I rarely saw my friends, but it was great when I did. Here, I have friends, but they're all brand new and few of them share a very similar cultural background. White Christians from the South are just plain hard to come by, not to mention ones that have worthwhile personalities and a hint of wit to them.

So there's that. There's also my grades. Last block, they plummeted because I couldn't get to sleep when I wanted. I think this was largely due to eating later. I was eating constantly in order to keep myself awake so I would have the energy to keep studying. I also couldn't nap because my roommate had a defined sleeping schedule that does not work well with mine (I need naps like right after class). It ended with me getting little sleep, studying little, and retaining little. And since I am very afraid of failing out of med school, of being proven the academic failure that I usually secretly think that I am, it was a great frustration to be hit with worse grades when I was studying so hard.

I guess I'm just afraid of failing out and frustrated at myself and at my situation. If I had known much of anything in the beginning, I would have gotten a single apartment straightaway. I wouldn't have made as many friends but I would have done better in school. I don't care about friends nearly as much as I care about doing well so I can help future people.

And speaking of living situations, my roommate backed out on our deal of getting an apartment together next semester. It's probably for the best, but I still need a place. We had a nice one picked out, fancier than what either of us was thinking. And I miss having a nice place. When I had a nice apartment, I treated it more nicely. But it's $100 more per month to get a single over there... So I either have to find a new roommate or go to a crappier place or pay a little more per month. Of course, that extra $100 per month will add up to like $1500-ish extra spending by the time I graduate, which could instead be used on, say, a single hotel room rather than a double whenever I do a STEP 1 study program. And I WILL have a single for that.

Still frustrated. I guess it didn't work.

Shut Myself Away

I've been feeling the greater desire lately to avoid friends here. This feeling of always wanting to lock myself away came often during my last semester of undergrad, and I remember the contrast that tended to come over me then. I obviously still wanted to hang out with my friends, but I also just want to shut out everyone and just study forever. Unlike in undergrad, I have new friends here, so I'm not nearly as attached. The prospect of abandoning them to hide and study in my room doesn't sound bad at all, really. It's not like my good friends in college that I knew on such a deep level...

Being isolated on this island really makes it possible for school to be the primary focus. That is, once I can ditch the roommate (next semester can't come soon enough) and make my bedroom into somewhat of a palace. It can't be the #blanketfort, but I bet I can still make it impressive.

Confronting People With Humanity

One of my talents is that I can get anybody to laugh. For instance, one of our more serious professors, who is olde and wizened and wears khaki trousers up to his chin, was asking what the function of the auricles of the heart was. For those who don't know, the left and right auricles of the heart are like little flaps, and these flaps are responsible for secreting atrial natriuretic polypeptide (and because of the change in font, you can tell that I had to look it up again). However, what I said was that the auricles were responsible for flight. He stopped pointing and gesturing and just looked at me and repeated "Flight?" and I, with the projected false confidence learned from years of exposure to science and medicine, responded, "Yeah, to fly" and made a flying motion with my fingers (and didn't include my arms). And then he laughed a small but real laugh, and I won that battle, and everyone there remembered auricles (the name, at least) because of this exchange.

That is an instance of confronting people with humanity. People can seem intimidating. They can come across as jerks or angry or bitter or sad or aloof, and they very well could be at this stage in their lives. But those are all just attributes that are put on top of people. They aren't ever just angry or jerks or bitter or sad or aloof. They're people. And if you can recognize that, you can find the people underneath the circumstance.

I learned this principle while traveling through Europe. In a given day, I could be exposed to a variety of languages, cultures, upbringings, religions, social constructs, and whatever else. But at the end of those days, every single human I met ended up just being a human. They weren't French or Scottish or German or Spanish or Italian or Turkish or perverted or depressed or creepy or old or young or ugly or hot or fat or skinny or tall or short or rich or poor or thieves or generous. They were people. And once you can recognize the personhood behind all of the layers of culture and social norms, you can speak to that. And it will speak back, because we're all humans here. And that's how you confront people with humanity.

Not Wanting To Die

While pondering the reality of what I assumed was about to be my imminent failure out of medical school just before my block exams this week, I realized the weight of it. The shame of failing out of med school is one thing, but I'd get over that and give it to God, whatever. But the really and truly terrifying thought to me was that I'd be forced to go back to a world in which I wasn't learning anymore. If you've talked to me very much at all, you may know that I'm always happy with the idea of death. I don't like dealing with it in other people, but as for me, I would love to die at any time. I'd get to stop dealing with stuff here and hang out with Jesus in heaven (which is why I don't understand peoples' dislike for the notion).

But now, I'm finally learning enough about what I want to learn that I'm actually not wanting to die immediately. My mind is too overwhelmed to be unhappy or to desire contentment. Cramming my brain with information every day is a wonderful thing. It's living a dream that I never really fully expected God to follow through on having me live out. And when I think about the idea of leaving this place and going back to where I was, to what I was doing... Well, that sounds nightmarish #givesmethewillies.

So I guess I'm happier here in a foreign culture as a minority in a great many ways and having to absorb information like a sponge with a fire hydrant. Weird.