Westward to the Isle

I am here in Fort William, sitting in a café under the watchful eye of the largest mountain in this country, Ben Nevis. Yesterday, I paid a visit to a distillery that was named after this mountain, and this was my first scotch distillery tour. And oh what a wonder. The tour of course reminded me of all the science that I have forgotten, and then the tasting itself... they were clearly pushing their newer items, but the last scotch in the tasting was fashioned using a recipe meant to resemble their 1880s scotch, the kind that first garnered the attention of the queen. And I must admit that the balance was very nice, offering the flavor of the smoky peat without overwhelming the taste. I am kicking myself for not picking up a bottle, but we have not yet left the city, so I still have some hope of dropping back by there once more.

I met a fellow doctor last night who had his own similar complaints about this nation's medical system and training placement. Difficulties abound.

Update: I picked up that bottle of scotch along with another smaller single cask one, and then traversed by car through the mountainous highlands to reach Portree in the Isle of Skye. Though famous for its natural beauty, when asked what there was to do at night here, the hostel worker replied "it's pretty quiet". So it appears that our time here will be spent hiking by day and boozing by night, just as my ancestors did in days of yore.

Our room here houses just me and my friend, making it the closest to a standard hotel room that I have yet had on this trip. Maybe my next trip here will afford me nicer accommodations. I previously enjoyed hostels for meeting people, but perhaps because I have companionship throughout this trip... I mostly desire to experience these places in a solitary manner. Seems like it can hit harder if done in such a way. And if we are being honest, I dislike people more than I once did. Medical school and the pandemic have revealed to me just how selfish people are at heart, how unwilling most people appear to look beyond their own interests if it becomes at all inconvenient for them to do so. Ah, the power of an education to make someone so very negative.

Time to Breathe & Come to Senses

From a snowy day in Inverness to a day of Irish coffee, to a look around secondhand shops followed by a climb over Holyrood Park to the oldest pub in Edinburgh, the Sheep Heid Inn, from bus routes awry hiking back through cold and rain to a revisit to a pub crawl that seemed designed to make me feel world's older than when I had last undertaken it, to dreams of these thoughts and feelings, to today's late start in a walk to a museum and now to a coffee shop, the trip has been active.

Going back to last night's pub crawl, which we left early, and the dreams that followed... I had such distinct aged feelings. Others on the pub crawl were still youthful enough to have more significant acne struggles, whereas I have had time to slowly earn my doctorate and sit on it for years. The last pub that we made it to carded them, but waved me on. I recognize that the age for that here is 18, but I am used to being carded a decent amount of the time. Once again, age. Asked what I do. Well, I do not practice medicine...

I started to feel as if I was getting enough escape out of this trip that I wanted more stability. With a decent non-clinical medical job, many of my immediate problems could be solved. I can still put together a reel for the acting stuff, but I much of my desires there arise from the idea that I believe that I still have much talent in that arena. But talent does not need to override learned skills and knowledge. A more permanent change of scenery is of significant import, and this can be more likely afforded by the medical work. Imagine a place of my own and a job in which I contribute in a tangible way to a real good thing.

Of course, if the meme stocks shoot up in value within the next week or two, my plans may be forced to change in a way that more thoroughly accommodates my yearnings. But just like getting back into acting, such a prospect is not a stable reliability.

Update: Visited that cheap pub again, but instead of hanging out afterwards, I went to take a couple hours of nap time. And then finally, I found karaoke. Hosted by a human who appeared to be trans female, but may have just been an enthusiastic cross-dresser, it was a fun night beginning with a small crowd and a chance to practice scarier songs, then followed by bigger groups that actively participated.

I feel out of place for being older, but I also remember similar feelings as a younger gent. Perhaps I need to have some grace for myself as someone who will, at all years of life, continue to suffer from the human condition. And this may be a symptom of that condition.

I found myself thinking tonight about how the LGBTQ folks feel out of place. As a white cis straight person, I still manage to feel like a big stretch from what I am supposed to be feeling at a given time. But if I was born or raised some other way? Those sorts of feelings would have been exaggerated further and at a much earlier time. So despite how much I do like those folks, I am glad that I am of a different variety. Because life is hard regardless, and 'tis better to approach it on easy mode.

I am still leaning more toward doing a normal job, as opposed to pursuing the world of entertainment. Dr. Ken Jeong did not quit his real job until the opportunities were abounding, and that seems a decent methodology. That being said, he also lived in a part of the country where auditions were plentiful. But maybe I will find some zoom ones.

In Scotland

 After long hours of travel to Edinburgh, then an almost-late entry to the train to Inverness, and a continuous battle against jet lag throughout, I find myself in this northerly part of Scotland. In my ears are "Get Me Away From Here I'm Dying" by Belle and Sebastian from a Scottish playlist put together by my friend who earned his masters degree in sound design in Edinburgh, and I cannot help but think that such a sentiment is what sent me to this land in the first place. I have this feeling of having been wasting away, locked into the cruel progression of time and geographical stagnation. And certain fears remain, such as the fact that upon searching last night for events or company, the only lively bits about town seemed to be related to a rugby game, which is an activity concerning which I have not the slightest passing fancy.

So in this moment sitting in Starbucks after having redeemed my saved points for accidentally abominably large drinks, I attempt to take a glance around before remembering that my neck muscles and joints are so fixed that they limit such abilities. I have been so fixed in such a narrow state of living that I am physically prevented from seeing further beyond that restricted peripheral, and so perhaps a goal of my time here will be to simply expand this line of sight. Does this mean that I go into acting? Or does this mean that I work a non-clinical medical job with the recognition that it need not prevent me from doing more as well? Fortunately, these are questions that need not be answered until this trip has reached its cessation.

For the second time in a few days, I am in a city filled with the spoken accents of my predecessors and the physical accents of the architecture that continues to be representative of how they lived, and all of these captivations overlooked by a castle on a hill.

A Little Catching Up

I have many partially written blogs that have not been published. This is in part because my laptop is in poor condition, causing the "v" and "," and "b", and some other keys in the middle of the keyboard to resist or doubly commit to their entry. Another reason is that I have felt so dissatisfied with my current state of life and saw few methods to remedy this.

But I fly out to a bucket list vacation to Scotland on Monday, and given the two train rides planned, I expect to have time to write. So I wanted to crack this blog back open before then and break the intimidation of a long silence.

I professored last year. I wrote and taught an online lecture class to medical assistants, and I included many jokes. That will hopefully be released in the coming months. Through that, I was invited to join the board of an allied health testing program. I just completed their tasks the other day, which were focused on reviewing and providing input regarding their test questions. For such things, they tend to test at too difficult a level, so my approach is usually to say that they should dumb it down. In any case, doing that allows me to have a board member designation on my CV and a nice paycheck too.

But this brings us to a difficult matter. I have found myself unable to study efficiently during the pandemic. Consequently, I have not been able to pass the Step 2 exam, which makes it impossible for me to gain a residency position. That puts me in the spot of needing to find work. Because I have kept up with my comedy podcast and done modeling shoots here and there, I keep being tempted to go back to the entertainment industry. This has become a bigger feeling since my mother has surprised me with information about the opportunities that I had apparently been given, but concerning which I had remained uninformed until now. I was invited to enroll in a school for the gifted, had producers asking me to contact them, and a myriad of other things, but those opportunities slipped by for the obvious reason that I was one of five siblings with two parents in a troubled marriage.

So I learned that I was recognized for my talent early, but my parents did not take the necessary steps to cultivate this talent. My mom brought out a bag full of neatly organized business cards from all of the industry people with whom we connected and has urged me to call these producers and directors after this 20 year hiatus, which I of course do not see as being a realistic approach. That being said, I do now find myself being recognized by legitimate comedians, and referred to as one, and I just keep thinking that this is what I really enjoy. On the other hand, the inundation of both burnout in medicine and with the many fools who consider themselves to be medically knowledgeable in their antagonism toward vaccination or masks make me increasingly less inclined to pursue that dream, at least in the short term. I have a friend who may be able to get me non-clinical work using my medical doctorate, but that would require a move to Arkansas, which would be a move away from the local hub of the entertainment industry in Dallas. And I am guessing that it would be a normal 9-5 desk job kind of thing, which is not exactly what I would prefer.

My old agent in Dallas has yet to return my calls requesting a meeting, but they do have the option for a reel to be submitted via email. I asked my buddy who is editing the lectures to send me my best stuff, but he is both busy and forgetful. In the meantime, I suppose that I should be looking through my older videos from both child acting and from college, plus more recent things through the podcast.

This trip to Scotland is a sort of deadline for me. I will be clearing my head by doing my favorite things with a good friend, and during that journey I hope to find some clarification both for what opportunities I legitimately have as well as what I would like to do upon completion of the vacation.

When you are not prone to easy tears but find yourself crying with every Marvel movie you watch, maybe something is wrong.

Cultural Vs Real

It's been a minute. I started talking to my father a little, via email. I have bad dreams about him every once in awhile if I think about his response to the current realities, so I try not to think of him. I am not used to being the one with daddy issues, but although he raised me well, he seems to have abandoned whatever he taught.

I just went on a 6-day trip to San Francisco, visiting Napa for the first time. My host was a dear friend from university who continues to be dear. I am glad that we have both worked on bettering ourselves as humans, and that it shows.

My podcast was mentioned again in a major publication. The numbers do not reflect the recognition, but I do, and even my narcissistic sister gave me props for it. Being mentioned once could be a fluke, but twice? And by a different writer? We must have something going. And tonight, we released our 100th episode. The whole medical thing is not where my natural talent lies, but this podcast is precisely such. And that is a struggle.

I rescheduled my test date for September 4th. I do not know whether I can be good enough by then. Despite how refreshing that San Francisco trip was, and how I finally felt like my real self, I simply do not know whether the discipline is in me to make this thing happen. I do not know if I can do it. I have hardly touched my Bible in the past few months, and I just... I am not sure. This test, and the similar one that I can take around a month or two after, is the last thing. Once I complete these, I can be done with tests aside from board exams, and board exams are not even technically prerequisites for most jobs as a doctor.

I honestly just wanted to check in and write a little, since I know that it is unhealthy for me not to do so... But as a side note, do you ever find yourself agreeing with all of your friends who have lost their faith, and feeling very critical of many of those who still retain it? It is not across the board, as all the co-creators of the podcast are believers, but some of my closest friends are no longer Christian. And I agree with their criticisms for the most part. But Jesus is still good, and they acknowledge that fact. It is just this baggage of the Christian culture... At the time of my last reading, I was in the book of Acts, but I think I may go back to the gospels simply because the Apostle Paul seems to me to be notably more judgmental than Jesus, to an extent that Christian culture adopted a "spirit" of being judgmental rather than accepting. Even I feel ostracized for believing in science.

The Other Life

Today, we scheduled a podcast recording with an Emmy nominated writer for perhaps the most famous mainstream sketch show of the modern era. I am listening to his podcast as they discuss the world of acting and comedy, and I cannot help but wonder about that world that I left behind for medicine. I watched a twitch stream of one of our recurring guests and he referred to me as a real doctor... and a comedian. People keep referring to me as a comedian and, like titles such as improviser or actor, I have been hesitant to use such a term. In my mind, to properly claim any of those titles, one must pursue that vocation professionally. To act, acting must become your job, at least part time, which means that I am a former child actor. "Former" and "child" are necessary qualifiers. But now I am the host of a weekly improvised comedy podcast, and though it currently does not generate revenue, it could do so in the future.

The thing is, I found myself at a certain point in December. I admitted to myself that I may not be able to pass this exam. Months later, I have regressed further in my knowledge. I still hope to get back into it any day now, especially with vaccines potentially allowing stress relief to be a legitimate option. That being said, what if comedy becomes a legitimate prospect? As soon as I am able to practice medicine, I of course want that, but what about my childhood dream of acting?

I was telling my mother about some of these podcast-related things today. She brought up how I had been trained in improvisation in acting classes, and how our manager saw me as a young Jack Nicholson. In a sense, it all comes back to this question that began when God first told me to go into this. What am I good at? I soon learned that I am naturally very good at many things outside of the world of science, and it was only years of hard work that turned me into a medical scientist. And the other sides of me continue to reveal themselves. I would even argue that much of what makes me a good doctor is the performative side, the bedside manner. These are all just pondering thoughts in my mind, and I hope to make residency a reality next year. I just have to find a way to make my brain and body comply...