Was Paul Wrong in 1 Corinthians 5?

Feeling a tad better today. Unless a social event intervenes, I think that I will go back to working out every other day, since I apparently have renewed need for an antidepressant. And it will get in the way of social events because the temperature reaches 100 degrees Fahrenheit, so prime time to go jogging is around 7 or 8 PM.

Two weeks from today will be my last official big day of studying. So now the focus has turned from trying to study everything to trying to study the shelf exam quizlets, in large part because I had to do the same thing for my shelf exams after the usual practice test questions became too difficult, specific, and discouraging.

I was reading 1 Corinthians 5 today and I found myself disagreeing with the Apostle Paul. He talked about expelling from one's company those who are practicing sexual immorality, and the basis for the argument seemed to be that it would undermine the message that Christians profess. However, I would contest that this is the very criticism which Jesus received, that He spent all of his time in the company of drunkards and prostitutes. Furthermore, in my experience, being friendly and nonjudgmental of slutty friends allowed me the privilege of speaking God's truth into their lives much more once they finally recognized the lack of fulfillment brought on by that manner of living.

This really has been an issue for me lately, the question of whether certain mannerisms and traditions in the Bible, even in the New Testament, are practical, either in the sense of normal living or in the sense of effective ministry. I try to always show love to friends regardless of my perception of their soul's state regarding salvation or the sinful life through which they seem to wade, and from what I have been able to ascertain, they appreciate me and my approach.

Though the Apostle Paul certainly painted a beautiful understanding of theology and the intertwined significance of the Old and New Testaments in relation to Jesus Christ, I cannot help but feel as if some of his approach is what brought about the legalism in Christianity which sometimes may not agree with the approach that Jesus utilized during his ministry.

After all, would the Apostle Paul have approved of Jesus keeping the company of drunkards and prostitutes, thereby acquiring a poorer reputation through affiliation?

Feels Like Failure

Today, I feel as if I am going to fail. I wanted to get out and do something this weekend but friends were busy and plans fell through. So I have the major issue of no real days off, no relief from the stress, which means that I do not come back to a new day of studying feeling refreshed. I have been focusing more on writing for the podcast, primarily because at this point, I think I can make it better, and I do not have that feeling regarding my test scores. I am good at only a few things in life, and science is not one of them.

I just feel awful, like I am a failure and that that failure is inevitable. And that sucks because this is the last of it; like, I am so close to being done. If I cannot pass this test in a couple weeks, I will have to try to take it while doing rotations this fall. And there is a pretty good chance that I will not get interviews.

You would think that being in the States would mean that I have all kinds of access to fun activities on days off, but I just run short. I used to be able to go to karaoke with that one girl, but although I think I dealt with everything, I do not want to risk the chance of an interaction with her leading to something being triggered. It sounds dumb to me, and some of me says to just get over it, but it really was brutal last time. In any case, I plan to hang out with her again after I finish with the exam.

I just have to push through and try to give it to God. All of the doubts, insecurities, lack of breaks, inefficient use of time, distractions, my faults, the habits, all that I can manage to give up.

Four Weeks (Yes, I Postponed It)

I took a 4-hour practice test and did poorly on it, badly enough in fact that I delayed my exam by a week. That means that as of today, I am four weeks away from sitting in a testing center and taking that 9-hour exam. And so I have been trying to study hard. I once again attempted to cut out my workouts, with the idea in mind that I could use that extra time to study or relax, but as usual, it merely resulted in a lack of initiative. So I will begin working out again tomorrow, and then record podcast the next day, which will hopefully leave me ready to study hard on Monday.

Unlike the Step 1 exam, the Step 2 CK is career-defining. If I fail it, that will have severe impact on my options. And I will then have to study in the midst of rotations, as opposed to my current method which is to take months off at a time in order to focus. If I can pass though... What a dream. If I could just pass this stupid exam, then I will be pretty much set to become a doctor. And then I will just be trying to take the Step 3 exam before residency. I will of course try to pass it, but failing that will not be the end of the world, considering that I will have years ahead of me to pass it.

So yes, in four weeks I will be sitting in an exam room and solving something like 318 medical riddles over the course of 9 hours.

I know that I should not focus on the podcast so much this close to the exam, but if I was not obsessing about the podcast, I would be obsessing about my trip to SE Asia next year instead. I cannot abide simply focusing on one impossible task at a time. So I have been searching for podcasts to guest or cohost on in order to draw a wider audience to the podcast, and have found welcome responses thanks to the wide world of Reddit.

So I am struggling to find relief, to clear my mind between study sessions. Should I take up going to church again? Or at least watching sermons online? My guess is that the answer is "yes". But the mind has a way of tricking oneself into thinking that any such disturbance in sleep schedule or time consumption is taking away from valuable study time, even though it may refresh the study time. 

I long for rainy days when I can go outside and stare at the water to clear my head, but it is late July in Texas. So my pursuit of meditation and prayer will have to push forward despite being so encumbered by the rich lather of a Texan summer heatwave.

A bright side to studying and working on creative projects is that it takes away my desire for a romantic relationship. I very much appreciate that relief. Unfortunately, it also leads me to see my relationship with God as secondary, despite the fact that that particular relationship is the reason and the means for everything toward which I am striving. I keep thinking that I will sacrifice aspects of that for the sake of this exam, as if I am not meant to be giving this exam to Him. 

So God, as I stated months ago at the beginning of all this, when you allowed me to be released from the depression which had hung over me for years, please take this exam. Without your direct intervention, I will fail. Without your guidance, without your peace and wisdom, I will absolutely fail. Unlike many other exams, this one is highly dependent on my thought process rather than simply the bank of knowledge I have managed to accrue. So please take the exam, take my hobbies, take my dreams, take all of the increasing bits of fulfillment that have been amassing, take my contentment and my lack thereof, take my friends' dreams and desires and my interaction with them, and please take me. This is all for you, and the moment you decide that the medical field, the podcast, the SE Asia trip, and any of my other hopeful pursuits are not a part of your plan, please take them. And place me where you would like for me to be, in the mental, emotional, spiritual, and other states in which you would prefer for me to be. In Jesus name, amen.

Let's do this thing.

One Month Remains

I cannot seem to stop my mind from racing. I do try to stop sometimes, but I have been allowing the podcast to take over when I really should just let my brain stop. Yesterday, we shot a promo for the podcast, complete with a drone shot. We also recorded a podcast episode and then began writing a script for a sketch that we plan to film. We all pitched ideas and made ourselves laugh the whole time. But it was also exhausting, and a stress dream related to residency came to me that same night. So today I slept in till noon, then did not bother getting out of bed until 2 PM. I was going to go work out, but I felt like I just needed a day to stop, to let the cerebral dust settle.

It's a month until my scheduled test date. I will likely reschedule it for a week later because I do not feel as if I will be ready in time. Granted, my test scores are okay, but I have not gotten through enough of the practice questions to feel particularly comfortable with taking the real exam.

One of the issues has been that there is construction work being done at our house, and the people doing it have been people worth networking with, so I have taken time out to get to know them a little. This impacts studying. Between that, my general lack of discipline, and my obsession with this podcast, I have been criminally inefficient with studying. And that was perhaps tolerable for awhile, but the work at the house is nearly complete and others are going out of town, which means that I can hopefully begin this last stretch with real gusto.

Where Things May Be Headed

Test scores are down, but life seems to be on the up and up. My podcast launched and, though it is not particularly popular, I am very proud of it. I am working on it with friends who know the realest me, who have similar goals for it.

Those goals are not limited to the topics and humor of it. Assuming that it generates revenue at some point, the plan is to funnel some money into a nonprofit for medical supplies for future mission trips. Imagine goofing around with friends and recording that for an hour, having that make money, and then that money going towards helping the less fortunate. We also want to pay people for being guests and for the work that they do, which would be a change from the usual standard of the industry.

In terms of studying... my scores were pretty good before I flew off to take those tests, then I had all of that stress and got sick, and my scores dropped a lot. Now I am trying to find the right balance of networking and calling the shots for this podcast while also putting in the hours with studying. I have not found the balance yet, but I am trying. I need to take time out to write more (which is why I am doing this now) because it of course clears my head enough to allow me to focus on what I need to.

I met a guy who seems to have the money, power, and influence to give our podcast a huge boost, and he likes me enough that when I asked if he would consider doing so after listening to it, he said "sure". A friend who has already been on the show twice works with a search engine optimization company and is planning to help the podcast, which is a service for which they normally charge thousands of dollars.

So I am studying for the test that would effectively make me a doctor, but I am also trying to lay the groundwork for the businesses and nonprofit organization that would potentially pave the way for me to have well-funded missions work starting just as soon as I finish residency (and possibly even testing it out during residency).

Whoops, Early Summer Passed

Well, it has been a bit since my last post. I took my Exit OSCE and Step 2 CS exams, but will not know whether I passed either for awhile. So that's a comfort at least. Oh, and I aged again. I should write out reflections from the past year... I also launched a fake medical podcast this week. That has been both exciting and occupying. I have burned out on studying even though the pressure is very much on since I only have about two months until the career-defining exam. I should probably delay it by a week. Admittedly, I am way behind on studying. I am trying to take it more easy tonight so I can study again tomorrow, but it has been pretty bad.

I am so excited about the podcast though. My friends are so funny in it and I play it professional. Best of all though, it just turned out so good. Because there are four of us on the team, we all contribute our different parts, and it really makes the finished product really incredible. I think it will be big.

Do any other young Christians struggle with having a libido? No one else? Cool, cool. Anyway, I know a relationship is impractical right now. But that physiologic desire remains, to the extent that it often feels physically uncomfortable to avoid doing anything about it. That of course leads one to spiritual, emotional, and other types of compromise.

Also, what about this passage? Seems like Jesus' reply kinda sucks when the disciples call him out on the impracticality of it.

Matthew 19:9-12. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

10 The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”

11 Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12 For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

Better

Well, since that last post, much has been lifted off of my shoulders. I recorded the first episodes of a fake medical podcast with some dear old friends from high school, and the product appears to be quite good, so we are making a real launch of it. This unfortunately requires more work, but that is the way of such things. I also visited Arkansas, which is always a fun experience. I modeled for a few photo shoots and also did some real networking by meeting and bantering with the head of the residency program to which I am applying this fall. That doctor and I got along swimmingly, and he later told my friend that he could arrange for me to do a rotation there this fall, so that is exciting.

I completed my online research class last week, which was easy and did not take long. So that is my tiny excuse for why I was unable to complete even one block of practice test questions. I keep hitting a wall. Once I take this stupid test, I can finally just study for whatever I am doing, rather than for a giant exam. Unfortunately, I am not at that point yet, so here I remain.

I take my playing doctor final exams at the end of the month, followed by a trip to Disney World with my sisters. That should be nice.

But emotionally, I am back to my old self. I made it back to reading the New Testament and things keep coming up, maybe potential sermons. Like, why does the author of the gospel of John mention early on that Jesus called Simon Peter and Nathaniel to be His disciples at around 4 PM? Why is that hour mentioned? A lot of this gospel seems pretty specific about what is included, as if all is purposeful.