Talks With God

I finished my first core clinical rotation on Friday. The doctor told me that she would miss me and to call anytime. She said that I did an excellent job, and that I could request a recommendation letter from her.

I should have been celebrating after that. I did try. I went to the movies to see Isle of Dogs. And then to karaoke. The movie was good but made me think of that girl the whole time. Karaoke was not very good.

See, on that Monday, that girl had messaged me to let me know that my incessant letters were making her roommate assume that we were dating. This had implications of dishonesty on her part. So I was to stop writing letters. I had put one more in the mail that day, but told her that I would stop. And from that point, I became somewhat convinced that she no longer liked me. That evening, the thoughts of her did not interrupt my studying every few minutes. I accomplished more a lot faster. But then I had to correct my mind that night with no more daydreaming about her. For a night, it was okay.

The following night, the loneliness was crippling. I tried to just go to sleep, to just do what I have done for the bulk of my life, but her absence from my mind was so acutely disconcerting that I cried. I never cry, privately or publicly, with a few very specific exceptions related to academics. That night, however, my pillow was lightly dampened.

So the next night, I finished my tasks early enough to drink. I messaged her that night, checking to make sure that I was still okay to visit the following weekend, but she said that it would be too painful. I told her that I have put aside enough of my feelings to be a friend for her, and she too is depressed enough that she appreciates it. Though I remain convinced that she no longer wishes to like me in a romantic fashion.

My mind is in turmoil all week as a result of these assumptions. I do not allow myself to think of her romantically, to daydream of her, and it takes its toll. I always dream about a better day to come. I cannot help but to drink every night.

Fast forward back to Saturday. I work out, which I had negated for much of the week, and then I try to make myself go to a different karaoke. I think to myself that I need to get out, to live a little bit. But I walk in and wander for five minutes and simply cannot make myself stay. I felt wrong. So I left, but rather than drive straight back to my apartment, I pulled over into a parking lot in front of a park and began to talk to God.

Normally, in instances of frustration such as these, I make myself yell at God. I rarely see a reason to raise one's voice when trying to communicate, but for God, I think it important to churn up whatever I am trying to keep from Him. But I am so exhausted from the thought of not being with her, of the simultaneous reopening of that void of loneliness, that I merely speak. I had really tried to obey Him in this. A vision lent its support and that friend remains convinced of its validity. The missionary gave a cautionary answer that was "not a no". Logic said to give this up. I had moved away and it did not make sense. But neither does me becoming a doctor. So I cautiously told God that I would switch my thinking from the loneliness back to thinking that she and I were meant to be together, that if He wanted that to change, then He should absolutely intervene and correct us. And also importantly, I told Him that I would try to give up to Him my constant resigned suspicion that she would find someone else. If I trusted Him with the relationship, then I would also trust Him to keep her heart from other men.

That night, we FaceTimed. She had read my letters. The last one had included a list of qualities that were objectively admirable. It was only a page long, but she had mentioned that she did not see what she brought to the table, and that boggled my mind, so I figured that this may help. She told me that she was afraid that she would break my heart. I let her know that that was not her responsibility, that emotions are emotions, but I did not think that she actually could, given the nature of her character.

That conversation, which is the type of communication that I always long to receive from her, felt like a confirmation of the conversation I had had with God just hours before. We played truth or dare, and during that game, I dared her to visit me and write me a letter, both of which she agreed to do (though the visit was apparently still in the works from when she had previously told me that she would).

She said that I am not allowed to write her a letter until I receive one from her. I write poetry for/to her frequently, but simply have it saved in my phone, hoping for a chance to send it to her to capture her heart just a little bit more even though I remain 221 miles away.

Wrote This Last Night

I really have missed feeling things. Since college, I have felt far apart from such things. I backpacked through Europe alone. Why? To better myself as a person. I didn’t want to go alone, but I couldn’t find anyone else willing, and going alone was preferable to not going at all. It began as a mission trip for a week, so when I parted ways from my fellow missionaries in the airport, the weight of it hit me. That loneliness. Suddenly, I only knew maybe three or four people on the continent. And I had a bed and breakfast booked for the following night, but no plans beyond that, for the next three months. Loneliness. Loneliness in the most beautiful and romantic places in the world. Because this was the best way I knew to become a better person.

After I got back, I went to medical school on an island for two years. I was suddenly a racial, religious, and cultural minority in a place that, as I would go on to discover, has an odd culture of cruelty for no purpose except to be mean. And no ladies in mind except one or two that were back in the States. Even writing letters wasn’t practical from the island. Two years. Loneliness. Depression. Because this was the path to saving the world.

Then I got back to America and found myself an intellectual minority, and in the process, I exchanged the depression that came with isolation with the anxiety that comes with a 2016 presidential election. I wanted to process the past two years, but somehow I couldn’t come to a place for that. I felt like God told me not to go to my old church. I was confused on a spiritual level, and that helped lead me to deal with the stress in unhealthy ways. I compromised my morality, became unsure of my identity, and also lost the hope that I would meet anyone to partner with in this pursuit of saving the world.

Then I took a study program and met someone shockingly wonderful, who immediately got along great with everyone in the study program to whom I introduced her. But she was with someone, and by her mannerisms, I did not suspect that she was Christian.

Summer came and I moved to Arkansas to study for the big exam. I did so because home felt an impossible study environment and because I was trying to find myself. The last time that I had a firm grip on who I was happened to be when I was in college, in Arkansas. I reconnected with a friend who had just become a doctor, and became his social relief as his medical friends moved away for their residencies. I easily befriended all the strangers at the local small town patio style bar.

I took the test and do what I always do when I have a gap in my schedule. I traveled. I had never been to New York, so I drove there with very little plan for how things could work out. Nashville, D.C., Baltimore, NYC, Niagara Falls, Toronto, Milwaukee, Chicago. It was exhausting and difficult. Then I found out that I failed my test and drove home. I began studying again a few days later. I had also begun liking a girl, but as I got to know her, I became increasingly frustrated with the fact that she was my age and loved God, yet somehow had not felt the compulsion to travel beyond the local area to better herself as a human. I tried to like her because she was beautiful and going into nursing, but she didn’t have the spark. But she did have a connection to the old world to which my identity had been so intimately bonded. So I realigned my spirituality and morality. But my weakness is that without a hope of a partner in life, the kind that I’ve always felt that God has for me, I am prone to compromising my ways. So I was still dumb sometimes. But then I found someone who was a great many ideals in a human and liked me back. I had written to her with no expectation of return of feelings, not leaving myself vulnerable, just letting her know for the sake of allowing her to recognize her own worth, as she seemed to think much of myself. But she did indeed return the feelings. This is the first time that this has ever happened to me. Yet as with all things potentially wonderful in my world, there would naturally be something in the way. We had mere weeks until I was to move four hours away for clinical rotations. So we made the most of it, but the time finally came for me to move. And she continued liking me. She and her mom visited and she liked me then. We prayed about whether to try dating, but when she realized that little would change, that distance would remain prohibitory, she said no. And I didn’t feel peace about it. And counsel I consulted urged caution.

Even so, I wrote to her frequently, with ever-increasing intensity, until it came to a sort of culmination where the clinic was stressful and she was my only form of stress relief, and I became overwhelming in the affections that I poured forth. And finally, she asked me to stop writing. She understood how therapeutic it was for me, but the endless letters were causing assumptions from others that were untrue.

Thus do I find myself in loneliness again. But it is of a better flavor. She seemed ready enough to date after I made my feelings known. Distance, not affections, were what stopped her from wanting to be with me. This loneliness does not encompass all the vastness of space as it seemed to only a short time ago. This time, it only stretches for 221 miles.

Submitting The Idea To God

I FaceTimed with her after I wrote whatever I wrote yesterday. She is in the phase of happily being single into which I am always encouraging everyone else to enter, the phase in which it seems I will likely continue to dwell for the near future. It allows for personal growth and development, but the loneliness does hit rather acutely at times. I still have tentative plans to visit her, and she hopes to do the same to me, but I am trying to do better at submitting the whole idea of a relationship to God. God has someone wonderful for her, and it probably is not me as I currently am, and obviously potentially is not me at all.

So the letter I wrote today was a poem about the Bible, and I also typed (because it's way faster) a prayer about us to God. Oh, and a list of nice qualities which she possesses. I typed that too, 'cause it's a long list, and she had expressed doubt about what she brings to the table. I could not tell if that was about dating or saving the world or whatever else, so I listed things from multiple parts of life. And I left out her looks in all of these, 'cause I think she already knows what I think of those.

Not feeling that burning longing quite so heavily after putting pen to paper in this way, and after taking the time to submit it to God more, I already find myself drawn to drink. I genuinely did not want to drink to excess either when I was with her or when I daydreamed about her. She filled that void. I wish that God could fill it, and I suppose that He does sometimes, but there is a reason for the Eves of this world for stupid Adams like myself. Maybe I will find one someday.

Vulnerability Banishing Loneliness

This last week was difficult. I finally gained access to all of my weekly quizzes, so I now need to complete all of them during my final week of pediatric rotation. Fortunately, my next rotation appears to be very light. In addition to the coursework, a nurse practitioner was sick this week, so that meant showing up early and seeing patients every day with scarcely a lull. I was beginning to get used to the 3-hour lunches, and having that cut down to 45 minutes really put a hamper on my daily study quota. Hopefully the doctor will give me a good grade. She keeps telling me that I am doing excellent, and to keep it up, but I do not know if that is an 80% or a 100% or somewhere in between.

Also very much on my mind has been that one girl. Though we are not dating, this is certainly the closest I have ever come to such. Being in a new city with no friends or real hobbies present, I have been channeling my exhausted mind into writing to her. She told me she loved me when she visited, and I did not respond in quite as articulate a fashion at that point as I later wished I had. I have told many friends that I loved them, but it did seem as though this meant something else, and frankly, I have never allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to express such a meaning. And without God's express approval (which I cannot confidently say that I currently possess), that level of vulnerability seems unsure. But perhaps this is healthy for me, to allow myself to feel this much.

And that is the real concern. As thoughts of her become my only escape, my poetry has become more specific and impassioned. I was planning to write one letter per week, but I ended up writing four this week. And I have several poems already written in my phone. She said that she loves me, but now she seems hesitant, because the strain of distance, of not having me physically present, may be too much. Would our pseudo relationship continue like this? Just flirting long distance? For her, having experienced more, this arrangement is perhaps unbearable. For myself, I am shocked that the spot in my mind where loneliness had taken deep root has instead been occupied by her. I did not know that the loneliness could be displaced to such a degree.

My next rotation schedule allows me the opportunity to visit her, and for her to visit me. I hope that we at least have this time together. I am trying to submit it to God, because this seems as hopeless as the prospective of my becoming a doctor. My grandfather proposed to my grandmother by post, but judging by the past couple weeks, she seems unwilling to reply to a significant degree either by post or FaceTime.

Waiting In The Unknown

Life seems full of questions right now. I have been unable to complete any coursework for school because the website has been malfunctioning and those in charge have only said to be patient with regard to anything else. I have requested to take my exams, but I was apparently supposed to do so at least a week ago, so I do not know if that will turn out. On the bright side, I had my mid-rotation assessment with the pediatric doctor with whom I have been working, and she told me that I am doing excellent and to keep it up.

And there is this girl. Some of my fears were alleviated with the contents and interpretation of the vision mentioned in the previous post, but that friend was also excited for me, so we must all proceed with caution. After all, one step forward here is a step toward marriage and a partner in changing the world, so taking that step without surety would be quite foolish.

We FaceTimed briefly tonight. I told her that it is hard to be unbiased in my prayers over this, but I feel at peace as far as I can tell. I had also mentioned it to my dad on the phone earlier today, which of course made it a little more serious. I asked her how she felt in terms of which way God is pointing, and she said that she did not want to say. So that allowed a (probably healthy amount of) doubt to enter my mind.

Perhaps she is having second thoughts at the idea of us trying to keep up a relationship from 221 miles apart, which I understand. It has just been strange to not feel so very lonely, to have a recipient for these feelings beyond my notes or blogs. I am used to being an echo chamber.

I want it to work out with her, but I want to obey God's will even more. So I will await the response of my pastors and, you know, the Lord God Almighty Creator of Heaven and Earth.

A Vision

Amidst the doubts mentioned in the previous post, I happened to have a conversation with Cassie, a friend who remains (relatively) close since our middle school days. In fact, she was one of three ladies that I have ever asked God about dating, the reply to which was closest thing to an audible voice I have ever heard from God (a very distinct "NO"). I mentioned this girl to Cassie, and the interrogation began. Do I think about her, miss her, etc. and yes, all the time constantly. I mentioned my doubts about how she seemed to be starting out in her faith, not knowing the references to Sodom and Gomorrah (it was a funny YouTube clip), but she told me that her husband did not grow up like we did either, that he would not understand the reference.

I explained that I have not even asked the girl out because I like her so much that I am afraid that God will say "no" if I ask Him about her. And as I was debating this last week, another friend announced their divorce (or separation maybe, whatever), which did nothing to assuage my fears. And this girl and I have only known that we mutually like each other for almost six weeks, so I did not want such a decision to be fueled solely by emotions. But then Cassie stopped me 'cause she had a vision. It was of a water wheel. "The water is actually falling straight down in the picture I kept seeing. The water is falling onto the wheel from both sides and yet the wheel only goes in one direction (forward) and I didn't understand for awhile because that doesn't make sense and also sometimes I have to look a little bit closer. I believe the water may be the emotion and yet the wheel isn't propelled by that. It is still steadily moving forward. I also don't see the motion as a bad thing. The water is clear and crisp. Do not be afraid of it. It looks like a blessing. A gift."

"Ah, so the propellant is from heaven rather than emotion? That's the vision interpretation?"
"That's what I'm feeling. Yes!"

So perhaps it is time that I started asking God, along with the few I know and trust to hit me with the truth, about this girl.

The Tough Questions

I am nearing the end of my third week of pediatric rotations. I keep getting very low scores in practice tests either because the information is very new, or because I am sucking at what I should already know. The questions are difficult and I am not fast enough. The doctor will be reviewing my mid-rotation performance in the next couple days, and I hope that I am doing well enough in her eyes. She controls 40% of my grade and I am beginning to doubt myself, but we will see.

The girl I like and still seems to mutually like me back keeps occupying my mind. I mailed her a poem today. I do not want to mess with her emotionally, but then again, I currently feel more feelings than I know what to do with (and that seems like the appropriate time to write a poem).

She texted me today with questions about faith, the kind that all of us should struggle with at some point(s). There are lots of religions, and everyone thinks that they are right, so what makes Christianity the real one? Being a good person seems like a nice enough thing, so why not leave it at that? My explanations, like all spiritual ones, were primarily subjective, as I freely admitted. She did say that she is still a Christian, and wondered whether these questions were okay to be asking. I of course encouraged her to keep asking, since God does not want us to just be dumb ignorant followers.

I had put that letter in the mail mere hours before, and at that moment, the primary reservations I have had about her seemed to crowd the forefront of my mind. Questioning is healthy, but what if she falls away from the faith? Her foundation is not like mine, thoroughly entrenched and with a widely professed path toward missions work. She has lived like a person and then found the faith on her own. I hope that she meets Jesus in a deeper way through this, rather than being left as a great many friends have, wandering with a sort of contentment in spiritual insecurity.

Maybe I should not have sent the letter. The thing is, I do not even have to try to like her. She is incredibly likable on a number of levels. I can easily see her doing missions work. But the reason for the mission work, the mission itself, Jesus Christ, has to be at the forefront of said mission. Without that, without the spiritual fulfillment that comes with the work of Jesus in one's life, all we are giving is a temporary physical fix. I am in medical school for the temporary fix so that the doors may be open to provide a spiritual one.

Having her fill my thoughts has made me feel considerably less lonely, which has been a welcome gift that came without request. I now understand why people date without asking God, how they can marry without being absolutely sure, and I have a taste of what it is like to not want to die early. Best case scenario, she tackles the tough questions and comes out of it loving Jesus, God says that we should get married, and life gets...happy?

But my bets are on struggle, loneliness, and barely dealing with the difficulties of life.

P.S. The girl I was liking in the fall, who helped to trigger my lil' identity crisis, has a boyfriend now. Jaw so square it must have been chiseled. She is great, but I am glad that I did not go for her.