One Seeking A Particular One (poem)

The society that I knew had

Without necessarily uttering the words

Convinced me

That for every one
There is another
For whom that one
Is intended.

Higher learning questioned this

And many other thoughts besides.

After all, Holy texts do not describe
One seeking a particular one
Apart from each of mankind to God.

So I instead became convinced

Of the opposite.

I am so particular as a person

With life as much a myriad

Of diverse interactions

And experiences

As an academic life would allow

That to imagine anyone
Fitting my odd corners
And squiggly puzzle shape
No longer makes sense.

Until recently,
When I became aware
Of beauty untethered
By relationship.

And then another.

I am dumbfounded

And bewildered

As the beams that frame my knowledge
Of social norms and romance
May potentially be
Bent,
Groaning asunder
In this glimmer
Of cautious hope.

Caution is still
Heavily advised.

Because there is only
One Hope
Sealed with a promise

Not to disappoint.

Hope Of A Misrepresentation of Reality

In an age when I increasingly feel alone with my learning and beliefs within my chosen field of study, it shocks me when I find anyone who is physically attractive and possesses similar characteristics. It feels like being the last of my race, a fairly open-minded Christian who also believes in science and has a strong desire to do missionary work. Those qualities do not appear often, and they honestly do not sit well together within me. So as the Trump era wipes out most of what remained of my kind, I am nervously fearful when I think that I have found anyone who even remotely seems to match me in many of these regards. Does she like me? Do I like her? How many of our beliefs have to line up for this to work? My parents are divorced and because I do not, in truth, recognize such a thing as preferred under any circumstance, I am even more hesitant with regard to romance than I was before it all began. Bear in mind that I did not date even before their divorce.

So the present fear today that inspires this post? The thought that the female human I like may already have a boyfriend, thus restoring the framework in my mind that all the good ones are already taken or are uninterested. Judging by the frequency of communication and social invitations, I assume interest. So that leaves the likelihood of her being taken. And given that I am somewhat emotionally vulnerable due to the recent failure of a major exam, the glimmer of hope that my aforementioned mental framework regarding romance in my world may be a misrepresentation of reality leads me to be on edge when I think of this interest as simply being friendly rather than flirty.

And yes, I know that I am using the immature defense mechanism of intellectualization in my analysis of my own self.

I miss writing. After this test, maybe I can do what I promised myself I would do after college (but never really did): go to a coffee shop and write poetry. Screw it, maybe I'll write poetry now. That would be a much more mature defense mechanism. Maybe like a form of sublimation?

Did Not Find My Stride

I failed by a single point. My hands were wild and tremulous as I entered my information to log in and discover my grade. In my mind, I had fixed the grade of 175. Even at my worst, I was better than that, so I held onto that so I would feel better regardless of the grade. And it helped. I was staying with my cousin in Chicago, and all of my plans to make additional stops on the way home suddenly seemed like a waste of time. After all, a victory lap after failure does not really make sense.

So that Wednesday, I drove the 13 hours home, slapped a smile on my face, and continued on. My ideas of finally living life again became foolish pursuits of a dream world, and now I once again struggle with making myself study as hard as I should. But I guess that this is my life now. Endless cycles of study and failure until God changes His mind and realizes that I truly was not meant for this particular calling. I have everything necessary to excel except for the academic prowess, which happens to be a critical requirement. I do not truly believe everything that I am writing, but a big part of me consists of those doubts, and the only thing holding me to this track is God. Though, if I am being frank, I have no idea what else I would do...

I met up with a crush of mine at a church event on Friday. Given that she started nursing school this semester, she and I had plenty to talk about via text over the previous month or two. She is very much into swing dancing and that evening confirmed my strong suspicions that I do not remember how to swing dance well. I had the same fear about all styles of dancing after my prolonged stay on the island, but my freestyle game appears to hold strong. We also hung out with a good friend of mine, but since he and I are both attention-grabbing funny people, we more or less dominated the conversation.

Anyway, today is Sunday and I spent half an hour debating whether to go to church. The last time I remember deciding to go last year, I felt the odd sensation of the Holy Spirit telling me that something was off. I am sure that it had something to do with the political undertones of the sermon. So a year later, after the politics have died down slightly, I still feel uncomfortable with church, due to the knowledge that a great many prominent members of its congregation support people whose actions and ideas are remarkably contrary to the teachings of Scripture. In a post-evangelical world, this is unsatisfactory to me as a believer, and I am unsure of how to deal with it.

It's Close

I'm a few days from finding out my scores. To distract myself, I visited a friend I met through Facebook (also named London Smith), then found another old friend in D.C., hopped by Baltimore, took some time to explore NYC, met up with my Polish Canadian friend in Toronto, and then met up with an old friend and a new one in Milwaukee. Tomorrow, I'll meet my nephews in Chicago (I've apparently been an uncle for awhile now), and then leave in a couple of days to go back to Arkansas, Oklahoma, and then finally to Texas. But my scores are supposed to be released on the day that I leave Chicago, so that means 10+ hours in the car with the knowledge of whether I passed or failed that exam.

Though this trip is meant to distract, I really have let myself think of it lately, mostly because the day is fast approaching. I had a stress dream last night. I was enrolled in a medical class (which I specifically remember simply being named "Washington"), the lectures and classwork for which I had not attended or possibly even been aware. Such was the intensity of this overbearing knowledge of the class that I woke up and only realized that it was just a dream because I realized how stupid that name was (for a medical class). In addition, I was also trying to leave the island upon which my medical education took place thus far. It really was a nightmare to navigate in reality, so I suppose that it is not so crazy to experience it again in a stress dream.

The waiting for the scores is the worst part. Well, so were the last couple weeks before the exam. I guess that every part is awful. Fortunately, I think that I did the very best that I could with the time before me (with regard to the time spent after the test).

It's so close. So scary. If I failed, there goes the holiday season. I'll just be studying again.

The Night Before

Here I am. It's the night before the USMLE Step 1 exam. I'm a five-minute drive away from the testing center at an odd mix of nice and, umm, danky hotel near a highway in Tulsa. The sounds of cars on the highway overlay the hum of the mini fridge. I studied until 4 PM today, which is a no-no, but I could not resist. Fortunately, my mind shut down. So did my body, really. So I ended up getting a ten minute chair massage at the mall, which I had assumed would never be worth it, but it did more for me at this point than any hour-long massage I have had on a beach. Then I watched the Kingsman sequel (I did not care for it, perhaps 'cause I was not drinking?). So that was my fairly successful attempt at relaxation. I had not taken that much time out from studying since last Tuesday (tonight is Wednesday).

Then I did what I always do before a medical exam that will change my life: I read Romans 4 and the beginning of Romans 5. It really is poorly divided at that portion. Hope against hope is the usual section that I focus upon, but the suffering particularly caught my eye this time. Perhaps because of three years of fear, anxiety, and learning with decreasing thoughts of the things and people that I once cared greatly for, not to mention an increasing distrust of the Church in America as it stands (which is what I had hoped to reconnect to until I felt as if the Holy Spirit was warning me against it during the election)... in any case, I felt a suffering during this time that has changed me, beaten me down, deprived me of whatever it is that I feel is the best of me. But that passage does not just say to rejoice in suffering; it gives a reason. Suffering produces perseverance. Because of course, making it out the other side of suffering is what defines perseverance. And the passage does not stop there. Perseverance produces character. Just as a favorite book is made to suffer through creases and dog ears and wrinkles, thus gaining character, so our character is revealed by the sufferings through which we persevere.

And that character is what produces hope. It does so for the same reason that you originally agreed to go through this suffering in the first place: the love of God, which has been freely poured into our hearts. That sounds like a dumb answer to a lengthy riddle made up of suffering, but the guarantee is given at the end that this hope, due to its safeguard with the love of God, does not disappoint. We have an assurance that the suffering, perseverance, character, and hope are all sustained through a love that prevents disappointment at the end of the journey. It becomes worthwhile.

So in the midst of my exhaustion and insecurities, I have this love of God onto which I can hold. The God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were. The God who does not merely bend possibility, but rather creates it anew.

Though I may foolishly lose sight of it, the God I continue to believe in really does have the power to weave reality as He sees fit. So I pray that I may place my hope in this speaker of worlds, this literal life maker, rather than what I have or have not managed to do to prepare.

Less Than A Week

I have been meaning to write again, but I have so much to do in so little time that it felt crazy to write a blog (especially since I have a habit of making these things too long when I am appropriately expressive). The Step 1 exam, the one that decides the course of a great many things in my life, is coming this Thursday. Today is Saturday.

Rather than think of test day, which I can hardly imagine, I instead motivate myself by thinking of the month after test day, when I am awaiting test scores. At around 6 AM on a Wednesday, I will apparently receive an email to let me know that my scores are available. Then I, with heart leaping from my body, will hurriedly scramble to figure out my login info and check the website for the score. Those brief anxious moments are what I focus on right now (and the days leading up to them).

My dad called to remind me of a lesson that he noted just before taking his CPA exam. This, like every matter of importance in our lives, is The Lord's battle. It is not my own. I attempt to do everything on my part to make sure that we do well on test day, but He is the one upon whom I will have to lean in the deciding moments. When I have narrowed a question down to two answers, it has very little to do with my knowledge and much to do with The Lord's presence in every moment.

Just as in the past, before I failed a class, I am trying not to think of the possibility of failure, of how crushing that would be. An extra month or two of studying will likely do the trick, but it is the social withdraw that I fear (and of course my standing as a student as I attempt to find rotations and residencies). There is a girl that I like, and from my very limited understanding of dating, I think that I will have to invest time in her already busy world in order to discover who she is and offer her the same opportunity for me. When I am studying, the outside world stays outside. I obtain bacne because I lean back in a chair all day. I just want a little respite from all this.

God, please be with me. Help me to study you and your world and the science you cultivated, and give me the knowledge and discernment to choose correct answers in the midst of baffling questions.

Also God, should I try to date her? Even though I will soon have to move for clinical rotations if all goes well? Right, right, focus.

Two Weeks

Two weeks from today, I take an exam that will do much to determine the course of both my short- and long-term career. I am hitting the books hard and struggling to avoid burnout. I am alternating heavy days and light, with heavy days being powered first by coffee and then by adderall during the late afternoon slump, and both days ending with drinking.

The choice to live in this particular place and point in time are turning out to be as critical as I assumed. When I need a study break, it is a quick walk to find people with whom to converse at the nearby bar patio. I will also be on a podcast this weekend and have a showing of my movie at a friend's house.

It is amazing how this study mode can kick in merely on the basis of willpower. I have lacked in it until this test day grew so close, but after a friend called me to tell me about his testing experience last week, the ability to ignore my twitter feed arose within me. Failing this test would be very bad. In the face of that, I must study hard. And smart.

In the midst of this, I am also planning that trip to NYC. Westerly destinations have been phased out for various reasons. Nashville, DC, NYC, Niagara Falls/Toronto, Chicago, Milwaukee, and Oklahoma City are the ones on the list now. And, impressively, I have places to stay in all of those cities for most of the dates (though NYC is proving to be a little difficult in that regard).