Sputtering of Apathy & Ambition

I'm a little over two weeks away from my flight back to the island to retake the comp exam. And no, I am not ready. Dad is getting remarried. Mom is getting divorced. Sister's boyfriend took his own life. And home was distracting enough before those things happened.

I'm studying today at our family's lakehouse. I hadn't remembered its existence, nor how usefully empty it was right now, until my brother reminded me between my laments about studying. But it is too little too late, in my mind. After all, two weeks isn't that much time. And within those two weeks, there is also Thanksgiving, which involves the occupation of this lakehouse. My mom suggested that maybe God intended for me to wait until now to remember it. And I can't help but wonder why.

I know that my ability to reason and explain has been appreciated at home. But the stress of the election (both what preceded it and the results) have weighed upon me. Even now, I wake up to the realization of different aspects of the gravity of such a poor decision by the American people (though primarily by the less educated white evangelicals).

Waking up with those thoughts, and the idea in my mind that my current studying efforts are in vain, really throws me off. Ambition drains from me even as I decline invitations to meet up with friends. I stop believing in a chance for romance, of becoming a doctor, in most things. Apathy sputters about as I try to rev myself up and into a state of hard work and discipline.

What can you do?

The Youth Dissuaded

I went to a wedding last night and reconnected with some old friends. It has helped to talk this stuff out with a friend who feels as I do about the election, specifically with regard to Christianity. The white evangelical church apparently voted with significant enough numbers that they decided this election. My friend and I both struggle with the fact that the Church seems to specifically push forward agendas that are contrary to the teachings of the Jesus. We both lament that the issue of abortion seems used as a device to cheaply win over a large portion of voters who would not otherwise support a given candidate. (As one who was staunchly pro-life before taking medical psychology and ethics classes, I can assure you that both sides have very valid points. But when I took my own personal reflexive opinions out of the picture, I found that such a difficult ethical issue should not reach a verdict until the doctor and patient discuss it. However, this does remain a heavily nuanced topic, so I will not begin to presume that my reasoning skills surpass that of others. I would simply request that those of opposing views display the same courtesy in return.)

And we both feel uncomfortable with the Church as a whole, along with our local churches right now. He said that he had noticed it around six months ago. I have felt it since my return to the States as I tried to reconnect with the Christian community after two years away from any real ministry involvement.

Since a social media post would invite ridicule or would seem a cry for help, I instead must speak to my local pastors at some point. This is for the purpose of warning them. If I, an educated upper middle class white man, feel uncomfortable with the church's support of such a symbol of racism (and a long list of other issues), it seems unlikely that this or the next generation of young people would think the church a welcoming, judgment-free place. If I were on the fence regarding Christianity, this election would almost certainly have pushed me away from Christ. And I certainly would not wish to visit a church if my skin were not white. And if I were a Muslim curious about the Christian faith, I would anticipate being treated like a criminal. I cannot imagine how embarrassingly hard I would have to try to make one of my Muslim friends feel comfortable in a church setting, especially the friends who wears a hijab.

My position must be careful though. It cannot be one of blaming people. There are those on social media who are claiming that Trump supporters are outright racists, or unsaved. I, however, believe that Jesus died for the sins of all, and can also see the perspective of being all in for even a chance at a pro-life vote despite everything that comes with it. And I can understand the distrust for the opposition as well.

Rather, my position is one of victimization and lamentation. I have staked much of my life, my story, and my passions in the Church and the hope that it brings. And I believe that this hope belongs to all people, that all people have a right to the opportunity of receiving it. But I see a Church that will deny social and civil issues (and, in doing so, support the continuation of those problems).

The Church that I love is one that I cannot bear to look at.

Distrust For The Church

Okay, I need to express this somehow. I haven't been honest, and for professional reasons, I can't be transparent on Facebook. But fortunately, no one reads this.

I no longer trust the church. It is a difficult thing to think, much less write. I've never cried over anything spiritual that I can recall. Nothing. Not in the most heart-wrenching worship service. Not when I saw miracles happen. Not ever. But there are tears in my eyes as I write this.

White America has won. The voting demographic clearly shows it. If you were white, you voted Trump. If you were any other color of skin or were educated, the majority voted against him.

In the name of keeping the Supreme Court conservative (the only defense in favor of Trump that could potentially hold water), the white evangelical church has chosen a wealthy demagogue (a political leader who seeks support by appealing to popular desires and prejudices rather than by using rational argument) whose path to election was based on racism, sexism, bigotry, xenophobia, and blatant disregard for facts that opposed his opinions. Where is the Church that would choose a step toward equality? Where is the Church that would stand up for the less fortunate? The Church that would offer shelter to strangers in a foreign land, because we too were once aliens as well? What happens when a white Christian wants to share the gospel with a Muslim person, or a Mexican, or any illegal immigrant?

I do not recognize this church. I haven't felt comfortable attending my local church (primarily white congregation) these past months. Believe me, I made myself go. And though I genuinely tried, I felt worse. Even as I search for the proper terminology, the word that comes to mind is conviction. My convictions make me uncomfortable with attending church, such as it is.

I will continue to read my Bible, talk to God, and watch sermons on Sunday. But they will be streamed online from a pastor I trust (Judah Smith).

I struggle with what to do with these feelings that go against how I was raised, yet seem more in line with the Bible that I trust. I want to warn pastors and leaders, but I also do not wish to publicly do things on social media, because once again, I have a professionalism to uphold. And, if I'm being honest, I don't want to admit that I don't feel comfortable with the Church. I mean, what Christian says that? A well-educated one, it turns out.

The Creature Has Won

Perhaps the most frustrating thing about Trump winning this election is that such a large and outspoken portion of the church endorsed him. In the midst of hate and injustice, the church is where I would think to seek refuge. But no, I don't see the logic in trusting the church at a time such as this. For embracing the church seems like it would be a rejection of the very teachings upon which it was established and inspired.

Make no mistake, the racism, bigotry, misogyny, and xenophobia are very real and bound to grow as a result of their leader coming into a place of power. Just last month, three Trump supporters were arrested for allegedly planning to bomb a mosque and an apartment complex where Somali refugees resided in Kansas. That's right, Trump supporters, whose big message is a fear of refugees because of their potential to be secret terrorists, actually planned to commit a terrorist act themselves.

I am trying to turn to Jesus in this, as I should be doing in all things. But I must say, Christians seem to be a strong deterrent to Christ these days.

Attempts To Study

I saw some of my favorites in concert this last week. King Charles was an opener, but unfortunately was not accompanied by a full band. Still good, but not nearly on the level of what I listen to every time I go jogging. I saw The Head and the Heart last night though, and that was a wonder. Their recorded albums are so good that it was shocking how great they were live (and their coordination with the lighting as well).

It's Halloween. A little over a month before I take my big exam. This means that rather than studying for 6-10 hours per day, I need to start studying for 12+ hours every day. Such an idea is immediately hampered, however. Even as I type, the UWorld questions I use to study with won't even load. The application won't launch. This is because of the internet at our house, which is a tethered phone shared by all. And this is just the technical issue. Every day my mom unnecessarily loudly asks casual questions to anyone or everyone in the house, somehow still not realizing that I am trying to simulate testing conditions.

I realize that it is unfair to ask her to change her habits for me just because I'm studying. But she was very insistent that my desire to rent an apartment elsewhere would be a stupid waste of money when our house was available for studying. Since she is currently funding my studies, I had to give in. Dogs bark. Election talk happens (and with me being the only libtard in the house, I become anxious over this). Life on the island was an awful, awful place that I never want to relive, but it was bereft of such distractions (except for power outages and internet going out and very real depression).

So when my sister's boyfriend hanged himself the other day and she said she never wanted to see their apartment again, and I discovered that their lease wouldn't be up for two more months, I was emphatic in my desire to study there. On the other side of Dallas, away from family.

When Pretty Girls Flirt

I went to a missionary dinner thing on Tuesday. I remembered that those guys get words of knowledge all the time, able to see what's spiritually going on with someone, so I began the process of weeding out my garbage brain. I also finally joined a local gym that day, so I got my first good workout in months, and was still sore today (when I returned).

Yesterday, I visited the neurologist I used to work for. They have tablets for patients now, so they enter basic information there rather than using paper. They had claimed to be paperless before, but it seems like they're really starting to do it now. That night, I went with friends Tara and Cameron to watch the last presidential debate at a bar in Dallas. Those debates are way easier to endure when everyone else is also hating Trump (and also when they give free shots to those watching the debate).

Today, I met up with a girl I had vaguely known through homeschool stuff in high school. We both went to homeschool prom back then, and have a few mutual friends. I had seen her once more when she worked at a coffee shop in town and was surprised at how pretty and skinny she was (two ingredients to catch the attention of this tall skinny human). I followed her on instagram and such and found that she was doing a lot of modeling. Anyway, she had posted something about her microbiology notes on an instagram story thing, and I offered to let her use my favorite study resource, sketchy micro.

So we were to meet at Starbucks. I arrived early, as I usually do if it's not morning, and the barista was a pretty and skinny blonde girl. This, of course, did not do much to ruffle my calm demeanor. After all, many baristas are attractive and so are many customers. But then she flirted with me as she helped me to select a beer (which, by the way, is a thing at Starbucks now) and then talked flirty for a moment as she delivered my drink to my table outside, and then (and this convinced me that it was real flirting) she gave a smiling thorough look back at me as she opened the door to go back inside. So for the first time perhaps ever, I had a pretty girl stranger flirting with me (that part might have happened once or twice before) while I awaited the pretty girl I was to give science stuff to.

So other pretty girl arrived and I gave her the stuff, and we talked for an hour or two. She told me that her only memory of me was when we danced at prom and I had apparently not looked at her the whole time (she then imitated my dancing pose, which I must admit appeared to be too strict a head position to allow for eye contact). We talked of life since then, of travels and jobs and school. She likes camping, which doesn't help her in my book. But perhaps my upbringing made me biased against that in the same way that I dislike the idea of road trips. Gotta keep an open mind. Anyway, we made vague plans to go to karaoke or dancing sometime, though I told her that I'd probably mostly be studying until December.

Anyway, I need a weekend of nonstop studying so that I don't have to think about social encounters anymore. I'm not used to people.

Our Witness

This election is awful. I've decided, for the moment at least, to avoid church until the election is over. Last week, I found myself judging people based on the amens I heard. Their political affiliations became obvious.

And it's tough to be forgiving of the Christian community when they choose a candidate who stands for so much that the Bible stands against. My convictions force me to be at odds with the evangelical church. And why? Because when I share my faith with a Muslim, illegal immigrant, African American, or, let's face it, a woman, I spend my time clarifying that Jesus was actually in favor of minorities, not against them. I am convinced that as a follower of Jesus, I could not support such a candidate, because it ruins my witness. As it is, the evangelicals voting for Trump sort of make me feel like I'm eating my words. So rather than share my faith, I end up taking the side of other religions, because at least they have the decency of mutual respect regardless of religion, skin color, etc.

I also have friends with PTSD from past sexual assault. They can't watch the debates. It triggers them. And it certainly drives me to drink too much, even as I'm trying to cut back.

So I look forward to November 9. So this can finally be over.