New Beliefs & Their Frustrations

Jet lag has been a doozy on this trip to Ireland. Granted, I only worked in naptime for the first time yesterday. I slept all afternoon and evening, then went to sleep again after going out for a couple hours. Despite all of it, I'm still waking up at 7 AM, which is highly unusual for me. However, if I could get my body to do this while studying in the States, it would make things much easier. Unfortunately, I am forced to work with my beautifully lazy body.

Now I sit in a lovely tea room loft a stone's throw from Christchurch in Dublin, Ireland (well, within eyesight; my arm is not very adept at stone throwing). I've neglected journaling. As with most trips, it was easy to get caught up in tourism, seeing, and walking. And unlike most of my memories of Ireland, it has been sunny or cloudy, but hardly raining.

I didn't think that this would happen, but I really do feel an aversion to the church based on this election. Though I know it shouldn't, it makes me wary of foundational teachings I grew up with. This stems from the issue of many passages of scripture already having a selected interpretation, when in fact, the reality is that there are many possible interpretations of a given account, and the traditional view could very well be associated with a specific cultural norm that is no longer relevant. All the while, I see others of my age group being similarly turned off from Christianity for the same reasons that I am, but unlike me, they lack the years of relationship with Christ that tends to lend support in such a time of uncertainty.

While all of this confusion within the faith is transpiring, I find myself working harder to dispel misconceptions about the teachings of Christ than with actually sharing the gospel of His saving grace. Instead of saying that Jesus loved all, even (and especially) those against whom most had strong prejudice, I spend time telling people that the racism and bigotry in the Church wasn't at all the message of Jesus. Instead of teaching a positive, I'm denying a negative. And through the overcorrection that often becomes inherently involved, I side with religions and beliefs that aren't my own and speak out against that to which I belong. And somehow, this is what most strongly matches with my convictions.

This has a poor effect upon my thought life. And other parts of life as well, I suppose. I overcorrect in other areas and neglect the good habits that my mind associates with the Church, such as going to church.

The refugee situation is a particularly important demonstration of just how far off the Church seems to me. Twenty million refugees, and ten million of those are children. What is the response of the Church? Bomb their country and make it even more difficult for them to get into ours. The fear of terrorism somehow manages to overshadow some of the clearest teachings of scripture, and not just the scriptures of Christianity either. Helping widows and orphans, helping strangers and foreigners in their time of need, because we too were once strangers in a foreign land.

I don't like that this is where things are, and I don't like the way I react to it either. I don't like that my current, much more informed beliefs often seem at odds with what I once believed, with those of the conservative world.

Yet here we are.

Believe bad or good what?

Living situation in Dallas, which seemed like a somewhat sure thing, is a somewhat unsure thing. Family talked about Trump so I left the lakehouse early, because I am strongly against much of what he stands for. Family is messed up. I'm messed up. And I sit wondering if the luxuries of America really are better than the dull alcoholic life I lived on the island. At least there, my mind was consumed with lesser things like a social life I didn't have and an oppressive sadness. Instead, I just feel like I believe in a God whose people generally believe against what I think is most important. Maybe I'm being stupid. Or judgmental. Stupid brain.

Texas Is Crazy (In A Bad Way)

Adjusting back to American life has been wondrous and sad all at once. I love the convenience. When I want wine and popcorn for a movie, I can go out and buy it in the space of mere minutes. Rooms are air conditioned and mattresses are padded. My broken iPhone was fixed while I filled out the form for it to be fixed. It's crazy.

But at the same time, politics create a deep divide. My beliefs, which have been shaped by years of travel and education, contrast sharply with the beliefs of those around me. Things that were common sense in my mind and in that of my medical school peers are seen as naive, and my criticisms of Republican paranoia are dismissed with this in mind. Sense is forced into bafflement by a barrage of half-formed ideas and strong emotions. In the midst of this, I have no choice but to stop speaking. Because it is like arguing with a Facebook post.

It is most easily recognizable when my mom recounts something she read on Facebook about what democrats say. I respond by telling her that I've researched this claim, and it is baseless. The democratic candidates never said it. But she does not relent in her assumption, and I am forced to resign to silence again.

It is strange to choose a political party based on which one promotes the use of facts. I would much rather that the arguments be over policy.

My mom explained to me tonight how we had no need for Obamacare. The Parkland Hospital in Dallas apparently used to allow anyone to write a billing address, and the Mexicans or black people would simply put down a false address. In her opinion, this solved this issue of healthcare. Of course, these argument seemed ridiculous to me, since we obviously shouldn't be reliant on a system in which people must lie in order to receive healthcare. Yet she remained convinced.

Talks with my dad haven't been much better, as he is convinced that the government is the problem with the world as it stands.

I just hope that I can meet new people and make friends (and maybe, perhaps possibly whatever..., a girlfriend #whaaaahhhhh????)

Happy vs Better

Tonight, I went hunting for Pokemon alone on campus. After I had made my circuit around campus wifi, I took a detour to the small cliff overlooking the ocean behind the school. I stared up at the stars, which are always plentiful here, and saw shooting stars, which are also plentiful. But as I wished to God and the stars, I found myself stuttering, because while I was wishing for things like "to be happy" and for passing the STEP 1, I was afraid of false hope in any of those scenarios.

I read a lot of posts on social media saying that all you need to do in life is find what makes you happy. Find happiness. Get the happy. I've never been after that. Short term, sure, kinda, but really, my goal hasn't included happiness. If I wanted that, my goal would be serotonin. Pop an antidepressant. No, my goals have always been to better myself as a person.

But should the goal of bettering myself make me be afraid of desiring happiness for myself? I've resigned myself to the idea that I'm probably not going to find someone that I connect enough with to marry. Sure, I'm always looking, but I'm not throwing heaps of hopes on that. I don't like false hope.

So my point here isn't so much that the pursuit of bettering oneself is preferable to the pursuit of happiness. I've just always been after the former rather than the latter (and often at the expense of the latter). I guess I'm just wondering if the balance should ever tip the other way, to the point that I can comfortably wish for happy. Curious as to whether this should be a possibility.

Passed The Basic Sciences

I passed my classes. I get to go back to America. My nerves were all in a jumble until I found out, and when I did, I couldn't process it. I get to go back to a wondrous (though greatly flawed) country. No more anxiety over whether I get to make it back. No more second-guessing every performance here.

Unfortunately, one of my good friends here failed a class, and it is being decided whether he will get to retake the class or be expelled from medical school, since he has failed a class before.

Pokemon Go came out, and I've been playing that. But of course, the island gives us no pokestops nearby where we have wifi. So we are going into town on Friday to see if we can find wifi near a pokestop.

I became CPR certified yesterday. Not too difficult.

I have an interview on Saturday to discuss where I'm doing my clinical rotations. We're supposed to come up with an elevator pitch.

I'm going scuba diving for the first time on Sunday.

And, of course, I'm studying for the COMP, the leave-the-island-forever exam. I'm pretty sure that I'll fail, but I'm obviously trying to avoid that.

I'm also, umm, actually seeing dating as a real possibility for the first time in my life. I mean, not that real, but more real than it's ever been before. But meow I've become this person that I think is the one I've been trying to be. I didn't want to date until the worst of school and my own issues were dealt with, but meow I think I may be closer to that point. It is strange.

Just A Wee Lil' Itsy Bitsy Bit Of An Update

Ah, a month since my previous post. Such is the way of the blog.

Yesterday was Independence Day. Unfortunately, I had poor internet, so I was unable to watch a patriotic movie. Shockingly (at least to me), patriotic movies can make me get misty-eyed. Like, I love God more, but I've never had to hold back tears when interacting with Him. Something about America...

The grade for the exam I was most worried about has been posted, and it is lovely. I've got a low B in the class I was more worried about, Pathology II, which means that I only have to make a 30 on the finals to pass. That's good because the final includes content from Pathology I, and I barely passed that class (Pharmacology took up the bulk of the time there). The grades for the other class, ICM (Introduction to Clinical Medicine I think), will hopefully be posted soon.

Lectures finished last week. We are left with required attendance in class from 8 AM to 4:40 PM (with an hour off for lunch) during which we quietly study by ourselves. Of course, my studying is done in a hammock in class, so sleep is also an important part of this time.

All that to say that I'm just about (not quite but mostly nearly) in the clear. I will soon need to think about life in America again. And honestly, having lived away for this long, I'm not looking forward to all of it. Racism, sexism, and xenophobia are still real in America, especially in the South; I would know.

Oh, I also participated in the talent show here again. I'm so much stronger and more flexible than I was when I first made the dance routine. I need to add more to it 'cause it's too easy.

Also, karaoke every Saturday until I leave the island.

26.

Just turned 26 today. It's the last portion of my mid-twenties. Last year, the internet went out around 12:02 AM on my birthday and did not turn back on for another day or two, so this birthday has been a step up (the island can make drinking alone in my room with internet into an improvement).

When I turned 25, I had spent a year traveling to Europe and then to med school in the Caribbean. I had discovered what real depression feels like, and the intense failure that brought it on. My worldviews were shaken considerably as I daily interacted with cultures vastly different from my own.

Comparatively, this past year has had little travel. The U.S. presidential election campaigns have revealed a darker side of America and I have felt forced to very specifically define my beliefs and the reasons for them. It has been a year of redefining my beliefs especially with regard to both current events and my readings of the Bible (specifically the Old Testament). These, combined with the legal and ethical issues that are frequently addressed in medical school, have pressured me to reevaluate most of my thinking.

But because my beliefs have been shaken and reshaped, I am starting to feel like this may be the me that I will settle on. I think it's the most informed and thought out version of me that has yet existed. And if I remember correctly from my intro to psych class in my first semester in college, I'm close to the age at which my personality becomes more permanent.

The world is changing. I feel too old and too young, and so does everything around me. How does one deal with this life of contrast? Perhaps a drink will soothe this aching soul.