*Sigh*

I hate not being in ministry. I hate that my problems are my biggest problems, and that those problems are pretty much made up anyway, just a grading system that decides whether I get to move on from this point of learning to another.

And I hate that I can't say, "Oh, next year will be better" or the year after, or the year after that, because standardized testing is the primary form of testing up until I'm a doctor.

I miss being so close to God. I miss being frustrated that I couldn't hear His voice the way others could. I don't like that I feel so alone in the world, hearing from God so clearly.

I don't know how to deal with my current situation. I'm always sure that I'm going to fail now because when I most definitely should not have failed, I still did so. I am tired of it all and death would be a wonderful release, but that ain't my game, not unless someone forces me to play it (and by all means, do so if you like, but I'm unfortunately quite likable).

"Yes I know I'm but a breath, but I wanna taste and see and feel you nonetheless.
Yeah, the years they keep on turning, and I'm barren but I'm burning for you Lord." -Young Oceans

I feel the passion in this song, feel the passion I once felt, but stirring it back up seems beyond me. Maybe because God is supposed to be the one doing it. All I know is that where I'm at is not where I want to be. I'm always sure that I'm going to fail and I don't want to keep facing tomorrow. I want a new tomorrow to look forward to, one where I'm confident both in my knowledge and in my ability to do well on exams. I want a tomorrow in which I can walk and speak boldly with the spirit of the Lord God Almighty inside of me, and feel it, and see Him work.

...But those days, if they are ever to come, seem a long way off.

Trust...

Even on vacation, you don't always rest. Especially when that vacation is a cruise. I realized this when on Friday night, I passed out after two glasses of wine over the course of a few hours (not much to drink at my tolerance) and was out for a full twelve hours. I realized at that point that it had been something close to a month since my last full night's sleep.

With my new schedule, I spent the weekend watching shows and movies more than I probably should have. But I was still very depressed. But with more sleep, food, and exercise, the depression seems to have lifted.

Before those first exams last semester, before the drop in grades that would end up forcing me to stay on this island for an extra semester, I told God that I'd trust Him even if I failed everything. And then I failed a lot. In the more difficult class, I was able to improve with hard work. In the other class, I was not able to do so. But throughout the stress of that, I tried to keep up with God. And though I kept up with Bible reading and such, I don't think I really kept up with Him. Part of it was the nightcaps that became necessary at the end of the day, that became increasingly stronger every day. But part of it was kinda like what happened in Europe when I asked God to intervene and nothing happened; it felt like He wasn't in the mood for dialogue.

Now, I can always feel God around in my head. It's not a super spiritual thing, more like the strong voice of Good that's always reliable. But it just felt like I was shouting at a wall, my words echoing right back without a hint of a listening ear taking it in.

So just like I did after Europe, I'm trying to build that trust again. With more sleep and less stress, I'm (so far) not in need of nightcaps. I have red wine now, so liquor doesn't have to be my main treat. It can be healthy, especially since the end goal of wine is not always to get drunk; it's just to enjoy some red wine.

I am hoping that I don't fail physiology again. I feel like I know everything they've been teaching in class so far, which makes it that much more terrifying. If I could fail while knowing a lot last semester, how will this semester be any different? I guess it does come down to just trusting in God...

To Shreds

My appeal to take more classes was denied. so now I only have school for four hours per day.


I played worship music tonight and I just couldn't get into it at all. Last semester tore me up so much, just ripped me to shreds. I was left with just depression and the disillusionment that came with knowing that no matter how hard you work, even if you "master" a given subject, you can still fail. Badly. So now I just don't know. Relearning seems way less fun than learning, unless you're studying for finals and already have a good enough grade that you'll pass no matter what.

I just feel that getting back to this island is a matter of finding my little niche of depression and wallowing in that until I can finally get home in August.

I wish I could worship God like I used to. Hopefully I'll relearn how to love Him properly. The tunnel vision here is a powerful thing...

Empty

I dunno guys. I feel pretty refreshed. The break could have been longer, but those cruises were so eventful with karaoke and getting to know the crew and such that it just seemed to hit the spot. That and seeing so many attractive white girls, both there and in Miami.

But I don't believe in myself for this semester. Last semester, I had loads of confidence. I thought, "I got this. I know how med school works." Then I learned that I don't. Now I'm repeating a class that, when I knew the material like the back of my hand, I made a 50 on the exam. I've learned that knowing everything I'm supposed to know does not mean that I will do well. In fact, it can mean failure, failing worse than when I know significantly less.

But there's hope, I suppose. A friend of mine failed our two main classes last semester but was able to transfer to the neighboring island's med school, Windsor, without much trouble at all. And she actually gets to move on, studying what we're studying. And their curriculum allows her to leave the island in January, doing a Kaplan course in Chicago. She gets to move back to the States. AND they can do core clinical rotations in Texas, something that doesn't happen for any Caribbean med students. After hearing that, I just wanted to go to that school, despite the fact that it's less reputable than ours. Ours is in the Big 5 Caribbean med schools. MUA has begun to stand out in the time that I've been here, since it's been approved for federal loans. California approval is expected in the fall. Everything improves with the presence of one devoted to The Lord.

But about that.

I feel so spiritually empty. I read my Bible and probably pray every day, but the conversations don't feel like dialogue anymore. It's me saying that things are the way they are, and then seemingly dead silence on the other end. I try to hold onto the hope and the promises of God, but they seem so, SO very distant... I'm in the last semester before things are supposed to get easier and more practical, preparing us for what the rest of our careers are supposed to be like.

I just don't believe that I can make it. I mean, I guess maybe I do? But at this point, it's like I'm not even choosing this life or lifestyle anymore; it's more like I've already hacked a trail deep into this forest of awful and I just kinda might as well keep going forward since going back seems like a waste of my efforts thus far.

I miss church. I miss being in ministry. If what I went through last semester is anything like what working in medicine will be like, I do sincerely hope that I'm killed somehow along the way. I am very talented in so many areas, most of them pretty unrelated to this. I mean, I'm okay at medicine, but I'm great at speaking and performing and social skills. And the mission field. Anywhere but here.

On the bright side, my new classes all seem very interesting and worth learning from.

I Passed Med 2

I passed all my classes (not counting Physiology, since I dropped that). This last semester, the last three and a half months... I feel like I've aged. I can't say that I feel more mature or stronger or more wise, but I feel aged.

It just feels like on this island, everything that can work against you is working against you. Professors, subject material, assignments, etc. The only thing pushing you towards being a doctor is yourself. The professors gobble up your time and you are forced to learn and study on your own in addition to dealing with whatever lectures and assignments they throw at you.

I hope that next semester is better. But for now, it's time to go to Four Seasons, pack, fly to Miami, then go on back-to-back cruises with my mom.

So. So. So.

I'm tired. Like, I'm well-rested, but I am tired. I suspect that I failed my Biochemistry finals, and if I failed badly enough, then I failed the class. I resigned myself to that about halfway through the shelf exam.

I've been crushed by this semester. Driven by the real fear of failure is awful. The joy of learning is replaced by just trying to stay afloat, knowing that learning more does not correlate with your test scores...

We have professors who are awful at teaching. It teaches us to learn on our own, which is good, but then those same professors write the exams, so, you know, what's the use?

Having backpacked through Europe last summer, I've been disillusioned. I no longer dream of travel, not the way I once did. I know now that it offers no escape; you're just as poor and alone in the most beautiful of places as you are in the comfort of your own home. It made me a better person, but that's doing no one any good right now. My biggest battles are against impossible academics and myself. I don't even have the privilege of going out and helping people. I'm stuck here.

Today I visited the professor for a class that truly is a waste of time. The subject matter isn't, but the class is. I visited him because he graded my paper incorrectly. When I confronted him on it and quoted him regarding his grading policy (he promised points back if we corrected our first paper), he denied having said that, treating the idea as something ridiculous. I had gone to his office once before and he had replied similarly, but then making a promise to give less points back... He was just very defensive the whole time, and claimed that our class cares about grades far more than learning. He seems unaware that none of us have patience for him as he blunders through trying to teach a class.

Most of us, as students, could now easily teach any one of the classes that we've had so far. And we could do so better than the current professors. The most any one professor tends to spend teaching here is ten hours per week. The rest, they get to spend preparing. And they obviously don't.

I dunno, I'm fed up. I'd be looking to drop out if there was anything I'd prefer, but for one thing, there's God (who, by the way, has been awfully quiet since things went south). For another, there's the many thousands of dollars that have gone into my education, which will have been kind of a waste. And I love learning, especially what I learn here. It's just so. So. Frustrating. No, not frustrating. I'm past that. I'm just exhausted and ready to die. Don't worry, dear reader, no guns allowed on this island except Moet *kisses right bicep* and Chandon *kisses left bicep*.

Un.Fair.

The world seems more and more unfair. I live in a country where contracts are a formality that won't be enforced. I can work hard and know everything and still fail, badly. I do everything and it yields nothing.

I have this default version of me shaped by a life lived for Christ. I'm kind, friendly, and tend to assume that I am at fault in any given situation. So I live in a negative world even as the force inside me works to be the positive in the midst of it. A dot of white in a seeming swimming sea of darkness.

And I now feel myself growing distant from my friends. This is bound to happen, of course. And the timing is about right for it. I spend all of my years in obedience to become the type of person that God has for me to be, but through all of that, I sacrifice my personal relationships.

I know it seems overdramatic for me to complain about these things when other people have bigger issues. After all, I'm in medical school and I'm still not in debt. That's huge. But because I live in this isolated world, this literal and figurative island, I have become the worst of things: my own biggest problem. At home, some family member always had drama or some issues and it would be a whole thing. At work, we had patients whose problems were obviously bigger than mine, and it was my job to alleviate those problems as I could.

And on the mission field, there was a beautiful world where I could throw everything into it to help these people in need. And most everything I could do was helpful...

But I remain my own biggest problem. When a grade goes down, my world crashes. I'm isolated in my own apartment, my own little world, hoping I can get enough information into my brain to make okay grades on these exams, because I know that I can't do better than okay. With rare exceptions that never make sense, I always just do okay. I hover around the class average, swatted down every time I try to get a peek at life in the A range. I am forever doomed to a life of having a blood type that will always contrast with the grades I can possibly receive (A+). In that sense, at least, I have greatness inside of me.