Gap Year: A Lonely Tale

I'm finishing up this gap year now. It's been the hardest year of my life thus far, I think. It began the day after graduation, when I began studying for the MCAT. I had to say goodbye to friends and so many things I loved. We played a drinking game as we tore down the #blanketfort. Every time we cut twine or pulled out a pin that held it up, we drank. My friends sarcastically (but then also really) held me down as I did the job. It represented so much. And it created an atmosphere that I've never felt before but hope to feel again.

Then I moved back to Texas. I studied and studied. But I didn't have the six months I needed. I had two and a half. I went to pool parties with friends in Dallas and studied for the MCAT while I was there. I drank the most liquor at once that I've ever done, and consequently had the worst hangover I've ever had. But God even used that for my benefit I think, getting me out of a situation.

And in the midst of studying, I got a call. And I said "yes". I was offered the chance to replace someone who'd dropped out of a medical mission trip to South America. I didn't even know where we were headed at first, but all travel and stuff had already been paid for. And so I went a few weeks later and it was an incredible example of a doctor working in the world of medicine and in ministry. Their family was there too, teenage daughters. Such an incredible example of what my future could be. And it also gave me the chance to be useful, to have purpose, which is what I absolutely adore about being a missionary.

A week after that trip, I began working at the neurologist's office. It was an enormous privilege, and I don't think I was qualified, but they took me on just the same. An unpaid intern for a month, then (after I accidentally deceived them) I became a full-time medical assistant.
That's right. I did it. I did what my family (on my dad's side at least) had always made out to be the pinnacle of human worth: a full-time job. And I learned that I don't like it. I listened to "Making Money" by Ben Rector very frequently during my hour-long commute to remind me that the low hourly wage wasn't my reason for working there. I had the privilege of working for a very good doctor, and to have a huge amount of patient interaction. After a time, my reason for getting up in the morning (SO EARLY) wasn't to please the office manager or even the doctor. I got up because people needed help and I was essential for getting them that help in a timely manner.
The patient base grew when I joined, which I firmly believe is something beyond correlation. Things get blessed when I'm around because I'm a real Christian. Another doctor retired and did something apparently unheard of, passing on all of his patients to the doctor I worked for. And then the medical assistant who taught me most everything I knew (and was far better at it) turned in her two weeks' notice. I was part-time at this point because I had realized that working full time is the worst, but the office manager asked me if I would go full time for the sake of giving him time to hire a better replacement. And then the office manager fired the receptionist (which he was totally right to do) and all the while, the practice was growing with the number of patients to handle, so I was already working two jobs, but then had to work another. Three jobs at once at the office was happening for a time, and then when replacements came, I couldn't train anyone like I had been trained because I was working three jobs and just trying to pass one of them off so I could keep my head above water.
But one bright spot in the middle of that came when I was talking to the doctor in her office after work and she told me that she was "impressed" with how I'd been handling everything. My reply was that I was just trying to keep my head above water.

Throughout these months, I had been reading travel blogs at night before going to bed. All of these beautiful places and people writing about how much they'd learned and how much better they were from it, and here I was stuck, just helping people. I liked the job. It was mentally stimulating and seeing patients also helped my communication skills like crazy. When I interviewed for my future med school, I was fantastic on the phone 'cause a lot of my job was on the phone. But when I got home for the day, or even on the weekend, I didn't want to do anything. No editing that video from the Amazon, no creative side projects you promised yourself you'd complete after graduating from college, NOTHING. Just drink the bottle of wine you earned by taking care of patients and lose yourself in a movie and then pass out. I didn't socialize that often 'cause my friends weren't as great of people and I didn't want to get worse. I was also incredibly thrift 'cause everything was done with the idea in mind that every penny saved is a penny to use in Europe. At first, I was driving to Arkansas every other week to visit friends. But then, two things happened: it was expensive and they got used to it. So I stopped visiting for a month or two at a time, and I liked that friends appreciated my presence more. But I saw them less...

And then a beautiful thing happened. A lot of my friends graduated. I got to see them fairly frequently and things were looking up. But then I got accepted into a medical school and received enough denials from others to be sure of what was going on. I had somewhere to go now. This meant that I could finally plan my trip to Europe. So just when my friends were all moving back to the same area, when we were all excited to have a little group to hang out with all the time, I made my Europe plans. I bought the plane tickets and informed the office manager that I was leaving for Europe and probably wouldn't be coming back to work (a month and a half in advance, 'cause two weeks' notices are stupid at a doctor's office). I trained the new employees who would replace me and began the process of dreading the decision I had made. I didn't do Europe the way that people do Europe. I was going there to better myself, to face challenges and meet people and to not have money. It was a walkabout, a sabbatical. And I knew that if I did it the way I planned to do it, I wouldn't like it. So instead of dreaming about traveling, I secretly loathed it. It's like having a big test coming up, except that everyone is jealous that you get to take it because it looks more like a hand painting station. It was so much harder than hand painting.

But I did it. I ditched my friends and family and left a great many comforts behind and immersed myself in a way that I'd never been challenged to do before. I learned that real Christians are even harder to come by than I'd thought (and I wasn't exactly rounding up before). I learned that I have an almost-Canadian accent because it's so easy to understand, and that my sister's accent is far more southern. I learned what it's like to be conned and how it never settles well if you try to even things out against someone else if you've been conned. I learned to be a jerk in times of need. I learned that I am much more attractive than the average person, and learned to stop being so impressed with a girl just because she speaks/is French. Girl, I'm still way prettier than you. I learned that, at least from those I saw, there appear to be more attractive men than women in the world. I learned that there are a LOT of attractive women in Turkey, but I also learned that their culture is INCREDIBLY foreign. I learned to stop caring about looking really good every time I go outside (but I'm working on correcting that back to good standards). I learned that I'm into way too young of girls, and that it's dangerous to flirt in bars in Europe because the drinking age can be as low as 16 (and people often have fake IDs). I learned that snuggling for body heat can make a girl like you a LOT and it can be hard to shake. This reiterated the point that I'm good looking and it's a problem until I find someone whose looks will complement mine a lil' and we get hitched and all that.
I also learned that I missed my friends and the ideal time of friendship that I had left behind. I learned that I don't ever want to backpack through Europe like this again, at least not for this length of time. I learned that Europe needs Christ more than a lot of places I've been. Europe needs real Christians. I learned just how much I appreciate clean clothes and showers. I learned to appreciate having a car with good mileage, so I never, EVER have to worry about finding a place to sleep or a way to get somewhere. I learned, more than ever, that I wish I had someone to share it all with.

And then I got back. Aside from attending a friend's wedding, the first two or three weeks after my return are a blur. I slept soundly and drank wine and loudly watched movies on a tv without having to care about other people in a hostel or waking up the next day or anything else. I hung out with my brothers (usually one or the other) pretty constantly, depending on who was living at the same house as me. After working so much on keeping my accent pure, I learned to slur my speech and mess with words again, because my family gets bored of the English language and enjoys making it more difficult. I did odd jobs for my parents, moving furniture or doing chores. I went to my family's 4th of July party where my aunt and uncle laughed in my face when I told them I was underpaid and overworked when I had my job. I was quietly informed that my assessment was incorrect, though they knew nothing of the situation I had been in. And from there, I've really mostly been trying to cram as much NetFlix through my eye sockets as possible, 'cause I'll soon be without it. We'll get NetFlix on the island, but I won't be using it.

Introverted Goodbyes

Being introverted is difficult. I've got three weeks left in this country, then I'm gone for a long while. I hung out with an old friend tonight after working through the heat of the day in Texas (100 degrees of fun) and cut it short afterwards. In the olden days, we would've gone to his house to play video games or something, hung out with the rest of the family, then talked about life a little bit as we went to sleep. But I was pretty done after a few hours.

But at the same time, I know I'm about to be gone. I won't see these people again for at least four months, but more likely it'll be two years. Or more. I dunno.

I'm excited to ditch the life I'm living and jump back into a world of learning with an entire new culture and people surrounding me. But I'm also not happy about ditching the last vestiges of moments that seem to sparkle, the moments that only come when I'm with my JBU friends. Those moments seem to have largely faded away with my Texas friends, and they're fading fast with my JBU friends. And that last trickle that remains is about to be left behind. Because really, I don't know how likeable any of them will be when I return. I don't know how likeable I'll be when I return.

Maybe someday, when I have a #blanketfort again, things will be simpler and there will be a healthy consistency in my life besides God.

That #blanketfort has come to represent a critical time in my life. My creativity was manifest in a construct of my own design and I was able to study un-creative things in it. When it came time to study hard, I was in an atmosphere that was comfortable, aesthetically pleasing, and relaxing. I found an incredible balance in sleep, academics, and workout schedules. I didn't even pull all-nighters, which I had ALWAYS done in past years at school.
Hopefully island life will help me similarly, though I don't see it comparing to the #blanketfort, since I won't be the architect of the place where I'm sleeping.

I want to want to hang out with friends, and I want the times we hang out to be perfect, but they probably won't be, and then I'll leave forever. Lalalalala

Why Be Better?

My ending goal with a lot of the things that I do is to “become a better person.” It was like question of why I travel, just a no-brainer.

But I sacrifice a LOT for the sake of bettering myself as a human. I'm one of a VERY few of my friends who has, for the most part, really stuck with my convictions over the years. Much bigger than that though, I've intentionally dropped contact with friends who I'd been very close to over the years, simply because they were becoming worse and didn't seem to be willing to pick themselves up. I went to Europe for three months, those months being a fun period of time when I could have seen all of my friends very frequently, but instead chose to be battling loneliness in an effort to understand people of other cultures and how I interact with them. And also how to be poor and hungry. I went to work in hospitals in Uganda when other students of my year were studying for their MCAT. I missed eight weddings (one of which I was to be in) and it put me on a slower academic track, but now I know the real reasons I want to be a doctor.

But tonight while it stormed an incredible storm, I began to wonder if "to be a better person" is a good enough reason to sacrifice the time, money, and relationships that I have. I mean, being a well-rounded person with strong faith and morals is nice, but surely if I were less privileged, if I'd just gone into mission work after high school, the time and money spent on me could instead have been invested in others. What's it worth? What am I worth? The price of my education could probably have fed impoverished towns and villages for many years. Instead, it was used on me while I watched NetFlix and frequently spoke of how I want to be shot dead as a martyre at the age of 35. I hate knowing that I was born where I was and for that reason alone, I receive privileges that many people don't even know to dream of.

I guess I just try to be the best that I can be so I can reach as many people as possible. But it doesn't always sit well.

Pre-Doctor List

Most people/sources will tell you that you cannot really prepare for med school. However, one of the pieces of advice I've read about preparing for med school struck me as being very important and useful.

Writing down goals for myself as a person. Med school changes a person. I'm about to be immersed in an entirely different culture. I'll be on an island 2,368 miles from where I currently reside. I will be studying a LOT. I will likely only see my friends about once a year. My focus will be ENTIRELY on medicine.

So what's important for me as a human? Honestly, the last two years have done a lot to wash away many of my previous aspirations. Becoming a good student made me sacrifice a great many friendships, as did working my full time job and all of my traveling. Working that job, I occasionally compromised on work ethic principles. Traveling for three months in Europe, I made moral compromises to sorta even things out rather than just turning the other cheek and trusting in God. These things have already made a difference in my character that I need to continue to work on.

• I've always wanted to write a book on humor and an autobiography. The problem with both is that they are kinda always a work in progress and though my noggin might have a book's worth of stuff in it, maybe it'll read better if aged well.
• I want to build a somewhat permanent #blanketfort in my room as soon as I have a somewhat permanent residence somewhere, but probably only when I get back to the States due to shipping costs. I've built one before and every time I lay down in it, I relaxed to a degree I've had yet to feel since. After going home for the holidays, I was shocked at the difference from sleeping in my own bed at home to sleeping in the #blanketfort.
• I want to read books for fun. I took this habit up again during my last year of university, which was also my best year academically. But beyond helping academics, a good reader is a good writer with a good vocabulary and, in my opinion, extra neurons firing about.
• I want to figure out what I believe concerning complex theological questions and arguments. While backpacking in Europe, I learned that just because I haven't found good answers to my questions doesn't mean that there aren't answers out there worth hearing. Just because they aren't important to your faith doesn't mean they won't be important to someone else's. And it could be that one thing that gets them listening to this whole deal about Christ crucified and risen again.
• I want to know my alcohol and be good at drinking it. I've visited wine regions in France this year and plan on visiting Napa Valley next month. I doubt whether I'll ever be a connoisseur, but I'd love to be. And, of course, I'll get to know rum while I'm in the Caribbean.
• I want to go on a road trip with friends and/or (maybe) a significant other and every time we see a cool road or stop on the side of the road, we can have the freedom to take that turn or stop there or whatever. With a tent or car bed or something so we always have a place to sleep no matter what.
• I want to go on couples vacations with my friends who are dating or married or whatever. Ideally, I would also be dating or married or whatever as well.
• I want to further develop my good taste in fashion. I always made it a point to look good, which contrasted greatly with my peers in the science department. I would like for this trend to continue, despite the effect my backpacking through Europe had on it.

Oh The Age In My Bones

I'm beginning to feel older and older. I have two brothers, both older than me. The younger of them is three years older, 27 years old as of last month. My parents got married at 28/29 years old.

This puts me at 4-5 years until I reach the age that my parents were when they got married (and they were late compared to most).

It's tough to avoid feeling the pressure of it. I'm 24, which is kinda the age at which you expect to have at least started dating a potential keeper. But the search continues, and only really half-heartedly, 'cause I'm leaving this world to live on an island for two years anyway. Commitment doesn't seem like a real option. Not to mention that my standards haven't really done much dropping since I thought myself old/mature enough to date. She can't smoke. That's basic, but it also rules out SO many humans. We also just have to click. My dad said that since divorcing my mom, he's gone on some 150 dates but only felt like he really connected with two or three of them. There are only a very, very few humans out there around my age that I greatly admire.

Maybe I'll run into a doctor woman in med school and we'll be a medical missionary power couple. But that sounds boring. I always wanted to aim for someone more artsy... Whatevz.

Types Of Humans

You become whoever you're around. "Show me your friends and I'll show you your future" as my youth pastor used to say.

There are some people that are alright, but maybe because they're not as intellectual (or too intellectual) or fun or energetic or for some other reason, you don't feel all that different after being around them. No better, no worse. It's just alright. They're probably good people, but the reason you are with them is because they are the people with the free schedule to hang out with you.

There are people that are bad influences. Not necessarily the type who make it into a wild night of drinking and drugs at strip clubs, but maybe the ones who just aren't doing much with themselves. The ones who haven't moved on from their current job (or job position) or lifestyle, friend group, or geographical location.

There are the good people. These are the straight shooters that you've seen live out a consistent lifestyle for years. They may have been stupid in some social settings, but they're wise and down to earth. Basically just solid.

Then there are the magical (or "exceptionally good") ones. The people that fall into this group are the ones who are far too busy for you, but desire to hang out with you even after they're exhausted, and you feel the same about them. Some qualities that separate these ones from others is that they are busy working towards something and can recognize a similar desire in you, and that spurs something from inside that you don't always feel. It's a genuine longing to find out how they got to where they are, what they're working through to be in their position, and what they anticipate in the future. Along with this is the belief system that maintains their basic spiritual, emotional, and mental equilibrium.

There are people in between, too. I'm less inclined to hang out with the "good" category because honestly, it's a peer-to-peer interaction. I might pick up on something new, but usually, they're consistent enough that I'm really not missing out on much if I only see them once in a blue moon. The ones I try hardest to meet with are the exceptionally good. They're above your level, or at least at a similar point of striving towards their goal that you experience mutual benefits by being around one another. I only know a few of these right now, and the thing is, they can drop down from exceptionally good pretty quickly. It's not necessarily that they become bad, just not nearly as good as they were, settling for mediocrity on some points, molding themselves into an average being.

Because the state of a human can change so quickly (me or them), I try hard to hang out with magical people as often as possible. They may not be so magical when you see them again. Or you may not be. Some of my oldest and best friends have compromised on enough moral and ethical issues that I no longer look forward to hang out with them. I have to fight the feeling of being uncomfortable or even a little disgusted with them.

Oh Right

The big issue with having lots of time is that it becomes like the concept of infinity/eternity. You feel like you can keep wasting it and nothing will happen. However, something does happen. It slips through your fingers.

For, like, three straight weeks following my return from Europe, I drank every night so I wouldn't have to bother thinking about any of it. This, of course, is a fool's way of dealing with a life-changing experience, but my American life of plenty was like coming up for a breath of fresh air after staying underwater, and I kinda hyperventilated. I wanted to hang out with close friends, but I forget who they all are (my memory is bad enough without being out of the country), and they all got jobs or married or pregnant or something.

So I hang out with my unemployed older brothers who spend their time playing computer games and building flying drones with cameras mounted on them. And they're mostly lazy. I can be lazy too 'cause I put money away, but I do not wish to be so.

This past weekend was 4th of July weekend, during which I hung out with my dad's side of the family. My grandma was disappointed in me for not being in school or studying, and my aunt and uncle both laughed in my face when I told them that when I had my job, I was overworked and underpaid. This particular aunt makes $1 million per year. Yes, she's in the 1% that American media likes to talk about and she lives in a $900k house in Florida. We got along on an evangelistic level, when we talked about our faiths and why it's important to understand other cultures and religions, but when it came to work or education, she dismissed...well...me.

I need to get back into all of my routines (particularly working out) and not drop them every weekend like I've been doing. I only do so because I'm away from the gym or privacy for a workout, but I could probably afford to make it a bigger priority. After all, I'm not allowed to shower unless I work out.