Back to the Real Me

I have been trying to develop a pitch for this Malaysian show, and the other day, I confessed to my Malaysian screenwriter buddy that med school taught me to suppress my realest self (which I had more fully embraced in college) in order to act normal, because that "normal" person could gain trust and establish rapport more easily in the five minutes that a medical doctor has to do so with a patient. The response to this? Unlearn it. I could hardly fathom the potential relief of letting my real self out again.

So I went to a friend's surprise birthday party the next day and, while there, I hung out with a professional screenwriter friend who is also from Texas. And I felt so seen. We had the same kind of weird brains that have to compensate for social settings. Before you kiddos freak out, she has a boyfriend. And he is great. But an important component of how my brain used to work is that I did always have a distance crush (which gave me some hope that I no longer possess), so I am looking into tricking my brain into thinking once again that romance can happen. Another incredibly critical aspect of that brain of mine was that I was constantly taking it back to my 12-year-old state of mind, and I regularly checked back into that. I am not sure if I can do that, but we will see.

Another thing that Malaysian friend emphasized was that as I find that weird realest version of me, I need to be happy. Writing should be fun. This differs significantly from how I think of every major pursuit in my life. I reflexively tend to think that writing is generally torture but in a weird masochistic way, and that happiness is impermanent and therefore irrelevant. I also thought "Well I'm happier than I have been in a long time here in LA" to which another voice responded "then why do you get drunk every night just like you did in Texas?" Worsening my skin and voice and increasing my risk of cancer may in fact be a very stupid approach to becoming famous, so hey everyone, I have been sober for a few days. And it annoyingly feels nice.

A few months ago, I went to an improv show. I knew it as a fun and welcoming place, so before I walked in, I thought "I can be myself here." Then I tried that with one of the hosts of it, and it made her very uncomfortable. So I thought "okay, I can only be myself here onstage." But what if I could present that as my actual personality on the greater stage of a show in Malaysia? Surely that would be a therapy perfectly tailored to me.

New Laptop

I bought a new (used) laptop on ebay for $110. I did this in part because I booked a gig, and I must say that booking a PA gig for six days at $175/day after running very low on money is so nice. The 1st AD likes me a lot, and I like that he is so efficient. Setup and teardown are busy, but when we are going, I often have a lot of time to do what I would be doing on my own, just doomscrolling.

Unlike my old laptop, this one can actually hold a charge, so I will no longer have to hunt for outlets every time I want to write. As someone who wants writing to be a major focus, this feels like a smart investment. Especially for those times on set when I am just sitting around, surely I can chip away at little projects now. Even just the podcast stuff, if I can get ahead on those, then I can be free to force myself to write jokes and, ideally, comedy songs. Those comedy songs could be my ticket. I just need to play out these concepts that I have. Annoyingly, as a musician friend put it, the only way to do that is to "make noise." I cannot just sit and write the things.

Doom and Gloom

Okay fine, I am writing. Started writing blogs a number of times in the past few weeks, but then I got work (background acting, screenwriting, PA) and last night was the election. I did not vote because genocide is a deal-breaker for me, and both candidates would have done more of it. Oh, and I am not registered to vote in California anyway. Now that we have Trump again, we are going to die out at faster rate, but this was a hopeless situation regardless. On the bright side, LA a measure to double the money going to help the homeless. And a trans woman was elected to Congress.

Climate change, global air systems, everything is collapsing. Our nation is fascist.

Oh, and I tried an edible last night while drunk. First time. But I fell asleep, so really I was just kind of spacey when I woke up a few hours later and brushed my teeth to go to bed. Main recurring thought that I had while high? "Unimpressed"

I played my one comedy song the other night at a wrap party, and it was very well-received. I am working as a PA with the same 1st AD starting on Friday. I still have not been paid for my other recent work, but hopefully I will get any of it soon, because I am running on fumes.