El Dien Spews Forth

This Semester

2012-02-13T01:17:00.001-08:00

This semester has been the best and most rewarding by far. Grades aren't perfect, but they're climbing, and I'm being disciplined enough to make it happen.

And Talent Show is this Saturday!

Just A Heads-Up

2012-02-09T00:37:00.001-08:00

Submitting everything to God works. It's just hard to get used to again.

Hope In Practical Terms

2012-02-08T09:09:00.000-08:00

Hope doesn't always work the way you wish it does. I have a hope that I will pass Organic Chemistry, yet I slept through two classes this week, with a test coming up on Monday. I was about to be upset with God, 'cause I know it wasn't my fault that my phone was on silent this morning. But then I remembered that we're supposed to rejoice when crap happens. So I did.

And now, though I'm pretty positive I'm going to fail Monday's test, I now know that my naptime period in the mornings that I worked into my schedule is now going to be an O Chem period.

Something That Doesn't Work

2012-02-07T21:09:00.001-08:00

Being driven by frustrations rather than positive things.

Confidence

2012-02-06T00:49:00.001-08:00

Confidence is just knowing who you are in Christ. Figure that out and you'll be peachy.

An Extreme Mean

2012-02-06T00:47:00.001-08:00

Aristotle talks about this concept of the Golden Mean, in which each person has their perfect state of balance.

I've realized that with regard to my Christianity, my perfect balance is an extreme. I've found it to be true with lots of missionaries. Whenever you have the mindset that every person you encounter could very well go to hell if you don't share Christ with them, it changes things.

And it's not like a desperation to fill a quota; it's this idea where you think, "my action or inaction is the very thing that could end up defining this person's eternal state."

Everything Revolving Around Him

2012-02-05T21:43:00.000-08:00

One of my best friends from home, Cameron, called me today. He told me how God orchestrated his getting back together with his girlfriend. Of course, when I say it like that, it doesn't do it justice to any extent. God kinda just took him and changed his focus to be on Him, and that's what made everything happen.

Because I've grown up in the church all my life, I've developed a view towards "super Christians." I tend to view them as people who are cheesy, who overdo it and make Christianity weird. And I didn't like the negative effects it had on me in high school, how I became a tad judgmental. My faith was the only thing that ever gave me reason to get mad at people (when I saw people being led astray, I got pissed).

But even last night, before that call, I was daydreaming about Uganda and Europe, and all I could think of was what exactly I'd be saying if a Ugandan held a gun to my head and commanded me to deny my faith. I didn't think of street ministry, of working in the hospitals, or of being a street performer in Europe afterwards. I just thought of being confronted with martyrdom, and really checking myself.

The overarching reason for me being where I am in school and life is not from any desire I just came up with. It's been led by God. Yet in daily life, I hadn't allowed that to be reflected. In an effort to avoid confronting issues that God wanted to work out in me, I would preoccupy my thought processes with crushes instead. Rather than being the person in high school I liked (myself), I became like those people I disliked, the ones that never got over their issues.

But Christ should be the center of everything. EVERYTHING should revolve around Him. Drinking, hanging out with friends, crushes, shows and movies you watch, events, social networks. Everything. Because if He isn't constantly the focus, those things can sneakily become sin rather than just a passtime.

I suppose it took a friend having the whole focusing-on-God-bringing-him-into-a-good-and-healthy-relationship for me to believe it again, that it can just be a God thing. That I'm not crazy for not asking girls out just 'cause God isn't the focus and reason for it.

Big Plans

2012-02-04T01:33:00.000-08:00

I spent a week working on my dance routine for the talent show last week. That included working out (I gained like eight pounds over the course of a few days), choreographing, and trying to be disciplined with school too. I love doing things like this. Being creative, being forced to plan my time wisely, and preparing for my mission trip to Uganda.

After my four weeks in Uganda, I'm going to Europe for a full seven days, basically like a long layover, which means I must begin and end in Brussels, Belgium. London and Paris are looking like big potential cities to visit, the latter of which is the city I've most wanted to visit all my life. Especially since Paris is having a huge music festival on June 21st, which is totes when I could very well be hopping by.

Oh, I forgot to mention. I MADE IT INTO THE TALENT SHOW! I'm terribly excited, though I'm also pretty intimidated, 'cause I'm a one-man show. It took like two hours after the audition for my stomach to stop clenching up from stage fright. Anyway, it's time to sleep, 'cause I have dance training in 7 1/2 hours.

Oh, and my family is coming. Well, not my whole family, but at least one parent and a few siblings. They've never had an occasion big enough to be worth coming to visit me. But now I'm proud enough of my act in the Talent Show that I've invited them to come for Family Weekend at JBU. And if you would like to see my act, be in Siloam Springs, Arkansas, on February 18, and hop by John Brown University.

So Too Good Week

2012-01-29T00:29:00.000-08:00

This week has felt ever so good. Exhausting, but good (which is how I like it). I think I might have a real shot at getting into the Talent Show. After today's choreographing session with my friend Tim Nickelson, I've got the first two verses and first chorus figured out. I just need to figure out how many counts I need to do a few more fancy contortionist moves and end it, then cut the music accordingly.

Also, I learned a lot about the song "Symphonies" by Dan Black. Assuming I'm translating its meaning correctly, it's about breaking out of the mundane, not settling for apathy or the average. "Gimme, gimme symphonies. Give me more than the life I see." Kinda like what I'm aiming for. It's also probably the best overly-studio-produced sound I've heard in a song. He's obviously a lil' autotuned, but it fits the song.

Thanks to working out and eating well all week, I finally broke 130 pounds. I have the fastest metabolism in the West, so that's a big deal. I don't think I've ever been over 128, and I found myself at 132 the other day.

I need to remember to make time for people this week. People are worth getting to know.

Workout Woes

2012-01-25T00:31:00.000-08:00

Problems I've encountered from working out. I wouldn't bother reading if I were you.

Well, working out feels good and everything, but every time I do it, then shower and eat, I'm so exhausted ('cause I'm also sleep-deprived) that I collapse asleep and don't wake up till 11 PM-ish. And that's when I have to take time to wake up, then try to do homework, and then try to get back to sleep in time to feel well-rested for the morning. For example, right now it's 2:30 AM, and I'm having to try to finish Monday's Organic Chemistry homework, not to mention tomorrow's Physics (but I'll probably do that tomorrow).

Meanwhile, the main reason I'm working out (to pop, lock, and drop into the Talent Show with some dance moves) is kinda getting lost in the midst. I'm not actually practicing dancing so much 'cause I'm too busy working out.

But I do love feeling sore. Being so hypermobile jointed (double-jointed), I don't always know how to stretch all the muscles I need to, so them being in pain helps me to know when I hit the spot.

Contortionist Popper One-Man Show

2012-01-23T00:32:00.000-08:00

I spent all day thinking that the Talent Show auditions were this Tuesday (the day after tomorrow). Turns out that they're a week later than that. I'm thinking I might be a one-man show. I have time to put a routine together now. The really good thing is, once I have a routine together, I can continue to use it in the mission field for street ministry. That's the best way I know to reel people in, besides giving away money.

Now I've got a list of dance moves and a week to put them together. My friend who helped me choreograph stuff for my mission trip to the Philippines last summer, is in town, so I'm pretty excited to have his help in putting the different dance moves together.

Both spiritually and physically, I am a contortionist. I see things in a different and creative manner, and my body contorts similarly.

After Five Semesters of Undergraduate Study

2012-01-22T11:58:00.000-08:00

I think it's about time I started to drink coffee to help me in the morning. Otherwise, I have no idea what my Organic Chemistry professor is saying for the first half of the class.

How Are You (And Why)

2012-01-20T00:15:00.000-08:00

People have been asking me "How are you?" lately, and though it's just a 'dupid American greeting, I try to take it as a literal question. And lately, I've been answering "Good" and then said that this is looking to be my best semester at JBU.

And then they ask why. And I think to myself, "I'm not exactly sure." The important thing to me is that though feelings are fickle, my feelings are finally lining up with what God has called me to. I feel good about school, about the people here, and about what I'll be doing in the future.

Even if medical schools don't want me at first, I think I can kick rear at research in grad school (which might play a part in fulfilling ye olde prophecy from 12-years-old) to help me get in. I do not have the minimum grades in either General Chemistry or Organic Chemistry; I just passed them.

I'm also feeling pretty financially okay. The pops gave me a budget for the semester that should be plenty for me to save a lot of for traveling Europe after Uganda (and for buying Cadbury chocolate, of course). Not to mention that since I did nothing over the break, I didn't have a chance to spend money, so Christmas money and last semester's mascot funds are all being saved. AND I have a pile of books I never sold back to the school, so that should give me a few bucks.

And I got my car back. McBriddle is the greatest.

Can't Comprehend

2012-01-19T21:27:00.000-08:00

When there's talk about all the poor people in other countries or the sex-slave industry, I kinda tend to tune it out a lil'. It's not 'cause I don't care, necessarily; it's 'cause I can't do all that much about it. In fact, until I do missionary work, I feel like a quickly evaporating drop in the bucket.

But there was that moment when I got to meet the Kenyan boy our sunday school had supported. He was too cool for us, but it was still pretty mind-blowing. And though you hear about people whose only possession is a ramshackle house made of tin, it's hard to grasp that it's all they have. Like, even when you're looking at it, walking through it, it's not something you can really take in. I have my iPhone, my Macbook Pro, my multitude of odd collections at home, my clothes, and the 'dupid things I buy simply because I think they're strange. I mean, some people don't have access to clean drinking water. I know people who refuse even to drink from tap.

It's too much for me to comprehend. I'm just hoping that someday, when I'm living in another country and working as a doctor to do everything I can to help the native people, I'll somehow be able to swallow exactly what it means to have very little, and to help everyone around me to have similarly little (which will be a lot for them).

Oh, That's What That Is

2012-01-17T22:49:00.000-08:00

That experience a few weeks ago with the homeless man in Dallas has kinda been on my mind since it happened. It's not like it's the first time I've talked to a homeless man, but I really began to think of what it means to see people, to care about them enough to meet their needs, even if that need is just to be listened to.

Our chapel speaker this week lived as a homeless guy in a bunch of major cities for five months. He just took some time off from college and then went right back to it afterwards. He talked about how people work at not seeing you, and how Christians are no exception.

And then tonight, we had a Men's Rally where we discussed what it means to walk with each other in Christ. And that homeless guy talk kinda got me thinking about how to do it right. The biggest thing isn't just going out and helping people; it's going out and caring about the people, and that being the driving force behind what you're doing.

I guess that's what compassion is. I never really had a clear understanding of it till now.

I sometimes feel like I used to talk to people mostly for the sake of learning about myself. Probably the most selfish thing, I know. But I didn't even see how selfish it was until I made a point to sit down with people and hear their life stories, and I learned that despite what I had thought, I was not the most interesting person in the world. Everyone is. Each person has their quirks, their deep desires, their crazy family, and each person has their own story of how they learned to own these characteristics. In fact, the only thing I've come across as a pure waste of information from getting to know someone is when they talk about how uninteresting or unexciting their life is. And then they prove themselves wrong. Every time.

Intimidating Ugandan Mission Trip

2012-01-17T22:34:00.000-08:00

Never have I been so apprehensive about a mission trip before. Every trip I've been on has been challenging and exhausting, but never really got to me. But after we had a meeting about our Uganda trip tonight, and then talking to a friend who went two years ago, I'm pretty intimidated.

He told me a few stories that blow my mind. We are pre-med students with a liberal arts education. We haven't actually been trained in anything pre-med. But in these Ugandan hospitals, they may, as they did with my friend, hand me a blade as a woman is giving birth and ask me if I want to trim away at her vagina so the baby can get through. The surgeon's assistant might be sick, so I may be asked to stand in and help with a surgery. I might be asked to take blood.

With past trips, the scariest question was, "What if you get out of the van and a demon manifests in someone right in front of you? What do you do?" With this trip, I won't only be dealing with that, but also that a doctor will have me, well, cut into someone. And to be honest, I'm a good lil' Christian who doesn't often look when confronted with private parts, so as simple and small a problem as that is, it is going to be a problem for me that I will have to get over (and I'll probably have to do so the first day).

It's just plain crazy, 'cause I have zero experience, so I'll have to learn quickly. And I'm told that I will learn quickly.

Good Start

2012-01-15T00:28:00.000-08:00

Though I haven't had the chance to try out Radio Practicum, I've got a pretty good idea of how this semester is looking. Promising. That outlook was not inspired by Organic Chemistry, where I walked in the first day of the semester, out of breath from running (made it at 9 AM on the dot), and volunteered to pray (while still out of breath). I spent the next fifty minutes of the class clueless as to what the professor was talking about, because, naturally, we didn't get a review from last semester, and let's face it: a review wouldn't have helped anyway.

That outlook also didn't come from finding out that the very thing I was most hopeful about, hosting the Talent Show, was already promised to someone else, regardless of the months of brainstorming and writing that I had been doing since summer.

Nor did it come from Worship Ensemble class, where some of my most vocally (and other-musically) talented friends audition perfectly, whereas my voice gave out a few times because stage fright hit me the moment the professor mentioned the word "audition."

No, it came from God. Granted, I know that I began last semester similarly hopeful but managed to crap it up anyway. But I refuse to let my past own me like too-big-a-dog on a leash, dragging me around every time something curious pops up. No, my past is totes gonna play fetch and roll over and such, and it won't need a leash.

'Cause here's the thing. God told me I'm gonna make it to medical school. All I've got to do is work as hard as I can (and do terrible regardless), make Him look good while I look crappy, and focus on the hope He has for me.

Also, I'm excited 'cause I have tickets to see fun. in concert on March 23 in Dallas, and Snow Patrol on May 16 in Dallas.

Also, haircut, coffee with Allison Harper (one of those talented friends from Worship Ensemble), and worship are planned for tomorrow.

Crap, now my blog looks boring to me. I'll try to talk about God in a more interesting way next time, 'cause I can't stand super-Christian bloggers (bloggees, bloggettes?).

Missionary Mindset

2012-01-12T11:44:00.000-08:00

There are a few things that come to mind for me remind myself when I'm starting out a new year or semester, or any new part of life really.

One of them is this thought that comes to me when I think a friend is not particularly wanting to reconnect our friendship. I think to myself, "If they aren't going to put in the effort, I'm sure not going to." But I correct myself, because if there's one thing I know, it's that I'm not entitled to anything. Relationships can be fickle, but if I hold up my end, that's what matters, and if they blow me off, that's a downer for them.

Another springs up when I start to see school and my spiritual life as an uphill challenge. Then I begin to think to myself, "Just think of it as a mission trip" because I'm always a hard worker on such occasions. But so far, those have been just that. Occasions. Keeping a missionary mindset for an entire semester sounds like the most difficult thing imaginable. Working hard, being ready and willing at all times for whatever may be needed, and being encouraging and enthusiastic throughout. I don't think I could keep that up for longer than the 2- or 3-week increments I've done in the past. In fact, I got sick halfway through when I did that.

They say that as a Christian, wherever you are should be your mission field. That sounds like a good way to get exhausted and burned out. But then again, I do miss that feeling too.

Heinous

2012-01-10T14:49:00.000-08:00

I just received some crippling news. They already picked the hosts for this year's Talent Show. They had held auditions in the past, but this time they just picked people. I've been planning it since summer. What a let-down.

That just means I have to be a talent. I'm thinking I'll join a dance crew. I JUST NEED ME SOME SPOTLIGHT OR I JUST MIGHT DIE!

Looking Forward

2012-01-09T01:22:00.000-08:00

I leave for school tomorrow. I kinda don't know how to think about it. Dr. Inzer gave me some encouraging points about how to get into medical school, but I still have to face this semester. I have the second semesters of both Physics and Organic Chemistry, the former of which is easy, the latter of which (for me at least) is incredibly difficult. Fortunately, I also get to try something new this semester in the form of my "fun class", Radio Practicum. Until I was on the radio in the Philippines this summer, I hadn't given any thought to talking on the radio, but now I'm curious enough to want to learn about it.

I'm also really wanting to host the talent show. I still have yet to find a co-host (the ideal one doesn't want to), so I'm just hoping it doesn't fall through.

I'm hoping to get coffee and have real conversations with people. It's something about experiencing the fall semester and then realizing over break how many people you should have gotten to know better. Whatever the reason, I hope to get bonding time with friends and perhaps some soon-to-be-friends.

I'm hoping to get onto a good schedule. I liked my sleeping schedule this week. I got up at a decent time and would be busy all day. Granted, I felt the need for Starbucks because I also stayed up till 2 AM, but I still developed an appreciation for waking up earlier.

Since I'm going on a mission trip to Uganda this summer through JBU, I get to be an active part of the preparation all throughout (unlike the trip to the Philippines, where I only had two and a half weeks to prepare). We have meetings every other week, so I'm finally going to have that accountability that I so love. And working in a Ugandan hospital is going to test me. A lot.

I'm also really looking forward to what I'll be doing immediately after the trip to Africa. I will travel to Europe for a week or so, though I haven't decided where. One very hopeful possibility is Hamburg, Germany, where Snow Patrol will be playing a concert. If that happens, I will be seeing my two favorite bands in concert in the same year (I'll be seeing fun. during spring break), making Snow Patrol the third concert I've ever been to (I went to one Showbread concert in high school for a friend's birthday, where I moshed the night away). However, it is unlikely that I will see that Snow Patrol show, since the tickets go on sale Friday, and I would like to make sure I'll be in the country before I buy a ticket, and those tickets sell out quickly.

Anyway, I'm up too late and have to drive my sister to school in four hours. I'm hopeful for this semester.

What's The Difference?

2012-01-08T23:10:00.000-08:00

Last night, I had to stop for gas at a janky gas station on the way home from Dallas at 2 AM. The moment I got out of the car, a man approached me asking for money to help him get back to Rockwall (or so he said). He was the second man that night to approach me to ask me for money, and I honestly don't blame them. I feel like I just have a naive and innocent face the moment a stranger approaches me. I love giving when I can spare it, but I also know that when people ask for money like this, it's usually for drugs and alcohol, and not for bettering their situation. However, I don't keep a crate of Vienna sausages in my car like my mom did for the homeless people in Los Angeles, so I continue to be at a loss when wondering how I can help people and avoid getting conned.

It got me to thinking about the mission trips I've been on. On trips where we returned to places we had previously ministered to, you can either do what you're there for and help the local church, or you can criticize the people who manage to make little to no progress in between your visits. A musician goes to Africa to donate guitars and teach how to use them, then comes back a year later to find that no one has practiced. When you aren't the one in charge of the ministry, you are submitting to the one in charge.

There was a girl in our youth group years ago who would go to every youth retreat and youth camp, get demons cast out of her, and come back testifying to how great God is. But she never dealt with her issues, and as Matthew 12:43-45 tells us, that's a good way to invite a lot more demons worse than what she had before. And now a friend of mine is doing something very similar (though I don't think she's possessed), not getting past the issues she's been having for years.

And those got me thinking, what makes me so different from them? Why can I manage to take what I've been given and do something while they keep getting stuck in the same problems? I'm not smarter or more talented than any of these people, nor am I devoid of big issues to deal with. Granted, it sometimes takes awhile, but I always give it to God. It's not like it's easy, either. I have to give it to God, 'cause if I keep crap to myself, I'm having to deal with it on my own, and I'm not up to the challenge.

I just feel like for some reason, God was able to pump me full of this knowledge that I'm crap without Him, but He makes beautiful things (even out of crap). I don't know why some people can't get over their issues, 'cause I know that the only reason I get over mine is because I want to get rid of the junk in me that's holding me back. And I'm willing.

A Well-Rounded Day

2012-01-06T01:29:00.000-08:00

Today, I had a dentist appointment, then met with my youth pastor for coffee, and (immediately after) went to Starbucks (a different one) to meet Dr. Inzer, who is in charge of the OB/GYN (lady parts) residency program at Baylor (and also happens to attend my church).

At the dentist, I asked about how my front teeth seemed to have a layer of rough plaque-gathering material, and I found out that it was from a filling from my last appointment (like seven years ago). So he basically sanded down my front teeth till they looked great. Also, I'm apparently a pro at dental hygiene (hear that, ladies?).

My youth pastor and I talked, but it was mostly me telling him what God has told me about my calling, about habits during the semester, and the stuff He has for this new semester. And I expressed my annoyance with God speaking so clearly to me (something I used to beg for), 'cause He tells me outright how crappy things are going to be, and why, and it makes sense, but it's still really hard. Abraham knew.

And then I talked with Doctor Inzer. It made me feel infinitely better about my situation. I happen to be in the state that will give me the easiest chance for medical school, and there are apparently a lot of options for me. Like, even osteopathy, which some have recommended that I go into, can apparently still lead me to the very same residencies I'd want if I went to medical school, and it's easier to get into. And on top of helpful tips like that, he told me he'd read over my personal statement (which can really do a lot to get you into med school), and he has to go through hundreds of such personal statements often with residency applicants.

So now my teeth are shiny, I'm good with God, and I have a real shot at medical school. Or, at least, I will after I do everything I need to do.

Hack Yo Own A'Count

2012-01-05T20:27:00.000-08:00

It's official. If you make a fake Twitter account or pretend to hack your own Facebook, it's WAY more fun. Either that or I have too many rules for myself when I use any social network.

The New Year

2012-01-01T22:39:00.000-08:00

You know, it may just be a calendar year, the number of days that best fits with how long it takes the earth to make a full revolution around the sun, but there's something about the new year. It's not even that there's a new semester coming up, 'cause that happens in the fall and it's not the same. Christmas Break gives enough time and, well, Christmas and New Years traditions, that it forces you to think, and to rethink.

I wasn't happy with the way last semester went down. I disappointed myself, which is hard for me to do. I was also a bit of a jerk to God quite a few times, and He let me know how He felt about it.

But despite what happened last semester, last year, or even the 21 years before that, I'm here now and I'm willing, and I'm pretty excited to be well-rounded again, instead of trying to make my advisors happy. Of course I'll be doing my best to excel in my classes, but I'm also not going to disregard the chances to perform, act, and model, which are the things that I tend to remember most about school at the end of the semester anyway.

Now I just need to find a dancing coach so I can be a one-man popper for the Talent Show (along with hosting it).

Opinions of Others

2011-12-30T04:05:00.000-08:00

I'm kinda the definition of an extravert. People energize me. Granted, I treasure my alone time, but I've realized that there aren't a lot of things I'm driven to do unless someone else will appreciate it. There's a reason why I check my Blogger posts like every day just to check if someone has commented or looked at my posts. Even though I had purposed for this new blog to be just about me, I can't help but be more inspired when I know that someone is reading.

God was the first whose opinion I cared much for, and His is still the biggest. However, I'm also told by many at my school that I should care for the opinion of my advisors. Maybe that's my problem, having contrasting yet important opinions to work with.

In any case, I think the reason I need to do something artsy (a term I've kinda created a vague definition for) is because for the most part, I don't need someone else to regard it too highly. Granted, creative writing, editing videos, and drawing are nice to show off to people. But really, the magic happens when I get lost in it, when I spend hours and hours just working, not noticing the time flying by. That's how reading used to be too. Oh how I used to read!

...And I just watched a LondonSmith.com vlog from my freshman year. Reminiscing can be weird.

RIP Facial Hair

2011-12-30T00:14:00.000-08:00

I've come to a decision, and there's a good chance I won't go back on it, at least not unless there's a special exception for it. The facial hair won't come back in anything close to a permanent basis. I'll still honor the months of March and November, but since I've had a chance to stretch out my facial prowess, I now know that I dislike the results. So here's to the dream of a facial-haired me. It was a beautiful dream, and all of us here at LondonSmith.com will continue to mourn such a loss.

Rest In Peace. This remains my favorite photograph of you, dearest facial hair.

Stuck

2011-12-28T18:18:00.000-08:00

Being without a car, I was dropped off at Starbucks something like four hours ago. Normally, it'd be just peachy. But I'm starting to feel like people are noticing. And I have one of the cushy chairs, so I can't afford to risk getting up, or I might lose my spot. My life is a precarious artsy world.

Also, I made myself a pinterest and an alternative Twitter account for tweets I can't tweet. I've had dozens of tweets that I haven't allowed a chance to see day-/moonlight, but now it's their time to shine.

The Latest From Snow Patrol

2011-12-28T17:07:00.000-08:00

Snow Patrol's new album, "Fallen Empires" (not supposed to be out in the U.S. yet, so shhh) is wondrous. This is one of their shorter, instrumental songs from the album. Sounds kinda like bubbles.

How To Be Confident

2011-12-28T16:17:00.000-08:00

I've been realizing something. Confidence doesn't come from being confident, but rather from seeing what needs to be done and acting confident about it. I've thought about that prophecy from the Prayer Vigil, and I think I'm grasping the meaning to some extent; I'm not going to be confident because I know the world over. I'll be confident because I know who I am, where I'm going, and, most importantly, that God is leading me.

It started to hit me while my suite was putting together decorations for the J. Alvin Christmas party. I had half an hour to help make a fake chimney out of construction paper and cardboard boxes, then I had to leave for a meeting. I was sleep-deprived and kinda stressed, having just done a big presentation that afternoon. But I walked into the suite, asked what we needed to do, and got to work on it. Everyone had been standing around, but they immediately got to work once they saw that it looked like I knew what I was doing. See, acting with confidence is just taking initiative, being the first to be willing to do something, and acting as if you know what to do even as you are asking how to do it properly.

Asian F

2011-12-28T14:44:00.000-08:00

The episode of Glee I talked about in one of my blogs was put in TV Guide's "2011's Best Episodes" list. Someone here has good taste (implication towards yours truly). Watch "Asian F" 'cause it's a good one.

Through My Eyes

2011-12-28T01:46:00.000-08:00

I used to think (and still sometimes do) that someone apartfrom my own situation (not God), whether somewhere in my city or beyond, might be able, if only for a moment, to see through my eyes or hear my thoughts. Even now, as I stare at the throne in my room (what, you don't have one?), I become convinced that someone, somewhere is seeing the very same thing through my eyes.

Just a thought I haven't thought of for awhile.

A Brief Reflection

2011-12-28T00:52:00.000-08:00

I read through this semester's blogs today. I feel like I don't even need to write reflections; I knew everything I was doing wrong/right for the whole semester. My youth pastor told me (in reply to my frustrations with academics a month or two ago) that everything is clearer in hindsight. I told him that it was already clear to me. God is very talkative with me. Like, young me would've been pretty ticked at current me for how easily I hear God, yet how 'dupid I've been about obeying Him and taking a hint from the obvious commands He's given.

Sure, most of it is clearer in hindsight. But God has gifted me prophetically, and that takes away whatever excuse I might have had for acting 'dupid.

Here's a lesson that any little kid already knows (and not just because they're smart): obey God. God doesn't like giving you the privilege of hearing Him speak for no reason. His Words are powerful, but they don't do much if you don't put them into action.

Junior Fall Semesterly Reflections (Part 1 and probably all)

2011-12-27T03:25:00.000-08:00

I'm watching Captain America, and I don't think I've ever felt this patriotic in my life. America is the greatest. No one likes a bully.

I used to be that lil' guy before I hit my growth spurt and grew like a foot at age 15. I didn't believe my dad when he told me I'd grow to be taller, and I had seen 50 lbs on the scale for much too long to believe that that'd change. I also had buck teeth. Even my mom admitted, years later, that I wasn't such a looker back in the day. But, she would add, that never stopped me (and her opinion of my looks has since changed).

I never used to let what other people said affect me. Or, at least, once I saw a negative affect, I began to ignore them. From every one of my siblings telling me I'm not funny to my high school principal, whom I was friends with, telling me that I should not pursue the career of doctor because I simply was not talented in math and science, I never listened to them. I only listened to God.

Fast-forward to this past summer, in that precious month between my mission trip to the Philippines and going back to school. I received in the mail an assessment of my abilities, of my strengths and weaknesses, from the pre-professional committee at John Brown University. There was nothing positive or affirmative regarding the pursuit of my major. Nothing. Throughout the page-long formally-written assessment, I read words like "...if you continue to study science...", "...maybe speaking with one of the professors in the Bible department concerning prophecy..." and other phrases strongly urging me to consider a performing arts major, or something in the humanities, because I made excellent grades in all of these.

So I strongly considered changing my major or at least my career choice. Maybe a physician's assistant or something would be wise. But when I asked God, my mom (who had been advising an easier path for years), my dad, or whoever else I looked to for direction, I received some of the most affirmation I'd had in a long time. So I came back to school agreeing with my professors' assessment, but obeying God.

And I was beaten up by school all semester. In fact, my advisor, who also teaches my research class, openly ridiculed me. I'm sure he didn't mean to be quite so rude, but when I asked "Would it help me get into medical school if I-" and he interrupted, "-made good grades? Yeah." I played extremely sarcastic and light about it as one of the other students scolded him for a moment.

This semester, I listened to them. I was not involved in many activities as I once was, like Mock Rock, video blogs, or anything really showy. For the first time, people knew that I was a biology major. I hung out with some friends from my major. My other friends weren't the healthiest, though they appeared so at first. And "Show me your friends and I'll show you your future" turned out to be accurate, as I began to appear somewhat healthy but was slowly degrading, till I became more resentful of my life, what I was doing, and my inability to trust God. I became less open when asked "How are you?" because the answer continued to be one that I did not want to burden people with in conversation. I drank alcohol at school, which was not a problem before, but I began to think thoughts similar to that of the first steps of what an alcoholic thinks, "I'll drink away my troubles." I wanted to make it an escape. Fortunately, it takes a lot to affect me and I also do not drink to excess anyway. So I never get close to "drinking my troubles away," but I was still thinking it in my head, which is a no-no.

Then I came home for Thanksgiving and my youth pastor told me that I was being openly rebellious by drinking at school. And for the first time, I felt convicted about it. Yet I drank at school that very weekend, and, consequently, became sick for the following week (pre-pre finals week). Then I drank again at the end of pre-finals week, and was driving friends to do so again that same weekend, and my car broke down, which is costing me $3,000 (the other half of the cost being provided by my dad). Had I not been driving through hilly terrain a mile from Tontitown in below-freezing weather when my car overheated, I may have been able to help my car out. But no, I simply had to disobey God and go out drinking.

I began a Juice Journal, a journal of drinking with rules and notes and funny things, on the day I turned 21 because I wanted to be smart about drinking. I listed the reasons I had for drinking. It wasn't bad until I rebelled against God and made it bad. Consequently, no more drinking at school.

I ended the semester in disobedience, with grades lower than they could have been and with my dreams haunted by failures. I've been 'dupid with God a lot, but I don't think I've ever been this bad for this long.

In any case, I'm here now and I'm looking forward. I've got an iPhone that can do anything and a love for superheroes that I am nursing back to health. I still need to see Aladdin again (they finally wised up and took it off of YouTube) along with other Disney classics, but there's hope for that. I wrote four poems last night and am just hoping to go to Starbucks and write loads more for hours on end. I want to edit videos again; the only problem is that I'm lacking in footage to work with. I want to dance.

But really, I shouldn't be talking to my blog so much. God and I need to have a conversation. It's been a long time since I wasn't angry at Him while we spoke.

Notes For The Talent Show

2011-12-25T18:40:00.000-08:00

I looked at my notes for what I wanted to do if I hosted the talent show this spring, and though I'm not one to brag (HAHA), these notes are brilliant, and they're really making me look forward to making it be a great talent show. If you read this, know that copying these notes without my express written permission will result in one or more lawsuits, and I'll be soops pissed.

Some Notes:
-Golden ticket gives you the chance to be the heckler for the night. Standing up and yelling "Yeah, I got your stupid ticket..."

-Use laughtracks for live performance

-Backstage at the talent show. Tensions are high (reality tv style)

-Towards the beginning, say "Play one of the stalling-for-time videos. It doesn't matter which one." And have the video open with the hosts covered in mud and junk as if they'd just gone through a huge adventure, "Wow, what a great show, and a fantastic finale! We've been through a lot here, and I'm sad to say that we've finally reached the end of the show"

And that's just a sample.

Chrimbus!

2011-12-25T18:32:00.000-08:00

Christmas always gets me. Christmas Eve, yesterday, I woke up to a phone call from my dad telling me that I would have to pay for the iPhone I was receiving for Christmas. I had no idea that I was getting such a nice present, or that I was getting anything for that matter. But all of a sudden, I was excited for Christmas. (It was also a really good deal for that iPhone, and it was money from an account I'm not normally allowed to access, not my normal account.)

See, my biggest love language tends to be gifts. I love giving and receiving them. Another love language of mine is quality time, but I feel that a gift conveys the most. Someone took the time to think of me, to find something I'd like (or at least to try).

That being said, Christmas Eve (which was our family's Christmas this year) was full of fun at my mom's house. My youngest sister and her boyfriend broke up, so he wasn't there crapping it up. She sat in dog poop and it was hilarious. Also, a dog vomited, and I still can't get the image out of my mind, so I've had a difficult time avoiding gagging when I think about it.

Christmas Day (today) had our younger cousins and grandparents over to my dad's house. Our grandparents gave us Bible research to do by Thursday, which is typical of them, and the youngest cousin (6 1/2 years old) made it her mission to learn to play my dad's old trumpet throughout the night.

Bad Dreams

2011-12-19T23:02:00.000-08:00

I haven't had nightmares, except maybe when I was very young. I learned to change the dream or thought process, or just wake up. But some dreams are worse than nightmares.

I've had some recurring dreams. They vary some, but they always bring to mind related ones. I dream that I have a relatively free schedule with some sorta independent classes, but in those dreams, I end up forgetting that I even have those classes, and I fail as a result. I also had a dream last night where my statistics professor had us use my grade as an example for some equation, and I struggled, as I do in reality, to take ownership of my grades without being ashamed.

My mom said that she had similar dreams when she was thinking about going to graduate school, but her aunt told her it was normal.

I just hate it that school doesn't stop stressing me out when I leave. I'm still haunted in the place that used to be my sanctuary: my dreams.

I hate it, and it makes me fear for the 5 1/2 years of schooling left, not to mention the years of residency that follow.

Social Network Relationships

2011-12-11T12:42:00.001-08:00

Do you ever think it's weird that you can be online friends with a person, but not real-life friends with them? I have a few friends who are that way. I've even tried bridging the gap a lil', but often to no avail. I have friends who were once exclusively online friends, who I Facebook messaged with, and we got along great. But in real life when we try to hang out, they pretty much can't stand me, and can't seem to understand why we were friends in the first place, excluding the obvious reason of overlapping friend groups.

And there's another friend who has never said more than a greeting to me in real life. This friend reblogs my stuff, "Likes" loads of my social networking things, and yet five minutes around her while we waited for a mutual friend were some of the most awkward (for everyone else) times.

Then there are those social networking friends who I grew close to through chatting on Facebook, then we hung out in real life and got along great.

Some people claim that social networks take a lot away from face-to-face friendships. I think that people are the ones who take away from those, and social network is just another excuse.

Lifening

2011-12-11T12:23:00.001-08:00

I end up disappointed with myself pretty often these days. It's not because I'm sucking at life or anything. In fact, I'm pretty good at life. But I know I've been better. So that's why I find myself thinking as I read my Bible, "Have I gone back to slurping on the milk 'cause I can't handle the chunky stuff? I wanna eat real spiritual food, but I'm not sure I know how to get back to doing that."

I took forever to get out of transition and finally just be here, but since that happened this semester, I've found that I don't know what to do with myself. I said "no" to everything in an effort to do better at school, so I ended up with a lot of nothing to do and only school to fill the gap (which ain't how I roll).

So now I've begun to feel a lil' of what Gary Lightbody (Snow Patrol's lead singer) talked about in his last interview about a song called "Lifening". He became inspired once he realized that he was finally around the stuff that mattered. Not drugs, drinking, or the excitement of the dream life he had been able to live; rather, he was joking around with friends and family, the stuff of life that make it all worth living for.

I wanna find wholesome people. The people who are happy with where life has them, and are looking forward to the future, one step at a time, who are doing things right in the place they're at. I used to be that.

Hopefully after this semester ends, I'll be able to write some reflections and understand whatever things I've been doing wrong. A general disconnect with God is most definitely the biggest problem, but even that can't be the only thing.

Diggin' In

2011-12-06T23:12:00.001-08:00

As I worked all yesterday evening and into this morning on my presentation for Organic Chemistry, I started to realize something: I love writing and research. I love going in knowing next to nothing about a subject, then slowly digging in and losing myself in it. Granted, I can't tell you everything about terpenes and cholesterol and acids and hormones, nor how to synthetically produce one or the other of them using a combination of the others in the lab. However, I can tell you that I learned more and cared more last night about Organic Chemistry than I have for most of the semester.

Oh, and I owned at the presentation part. Dressing professionally and bringing cupcakes always sweetens the deal and can help keep people from asking hard questions at the end.

It makes me think that research as a grad student before medical school wouldn't be so bad. Maybe.

2011-12-04T22:21:00.001-08:00

Being sick cures a lot of ills.

Sickly Reflections

2011-11-29T21:00:00.001-08:00

I often tell people that I came to JBU a charismatic, but now I'm much more baptist than I was. But it's not always true. I find myself controlled by my feelings. I feel driven by them. In my eyes, it's a very negative quality, because it leads me to be very fickle. And when I feel like there isn't a constant in my life, I tend to want to throw it all up in the air and give up.

God has always been the constant in my life. It's almost laughable, 'cause I have a harder time believing Him after He's shown Himself to be true countless times, or when He speaks clearly to me where I used to just pray that God would take the time to say something to me, anything.

I've never had the problem of not knowing what to do with myself. God has always led me to one decision or another, whether for college, mission trips, studying abroad, career choices, or relationships. He keeps on leading. I never, ever have the problems everyone else seems to have. God makes a way.

That's why I confuse myself with how great a distrust I've begun to have towards God. I get tunnel-vision, only seeing my faults and shortcomings, which I interpret to be God's fault, "because," I think to myself, "if God wants me to do something, He's going to pave the whole way for me." And when the way doesn't seem so paved, when I notice some bumps or places where I have to get out and push, I question everything that has already been trustfully assured to me, and I begin to fear false hope.

I should get sick more often. That lil' metaphor helps clear the noggin.

Coma Sleep

2011-11-26T15:36:00.001-08:00

Being home, I've gotten the best sleep I've gotten this semester. I've been falling into comas, 11-hour stretches without a break, just sleeping continually. The downside is how little I dream, but I feel infinitely better now. Maybe it's the silence. Maybe it's the lack of roommate. Maybe it's the lack of people on my end of the hall. Whatever the case may be, I didn't realize what I'd been missing. And oh, the glory I had been missing.

Job Before Medical School

2011-11-16T12:50:00.001-08:00

So, I got to thinking a little bit today... What if I took a year off after graduating, just to get a job in the medical field (using my Biology degree) and study for the MCAT? Granted, it adds an extra year to my time in school, but I've never been so fed up with school as I am now. I think it'll also add a lot to my chances of getting into medical school, having so much more experience. Since my grades in the sciences are going to be low, it'd probably give me a boost.

Such an idea makes me feel a lil' more hopeful.

Dad Issues

2011-11-16T00:16:00.001-08:00

When I got prophesied over at the Prayer Vigil, I almost dismissed what they said about my dad and I. They said that he didn't approve of or appreciate my style of creativity (or something to that effect), and basically made it sound like I had something to work out there.

When one of my best friends growing up moved into my dad's spare room this summer, he was excited. But he told me later about how frustrated he was, 'cause he said he could never seem to gain my dad's approval. I told him that I never tried.

But after that prophecy, I recalled how lowly my father had spoken of the hours and hours of time I was putting into editing videos from our mission trip to the Philippines. I told him how excited I was 'cause they asked me, rather than their media guy, to edit, 'cause they thought I could do it better. My dad said that they didn't want me for the job: they wanted someone who'd do it for free.

So I worked for hours on end, trimming eight hours of footage down to five minutes, working several full work days at the church. And when my dad offered to take the youth pastor and me out to eat, he joked, but in a fairly serious tone, about how "London doesn't seem to understand that a job is where someone works and gets paid. Meanwhile, I'm footing the bill for it."

So yeah, the work I put into the mission trip, which is a thing universally respected because it is a selfless act of going to another place for the sole purpose of helping those who cannot help themselves, was dismissed as a waste of time and effort. The one thing that, in my eyes, is irrefutably respectable, was now tossed aside because I still could not support myself while doing it.

Dreams I'd Almost Forgotten

2011-11-14T20:11:00.001-08:00

I want to travel.
I want to see the world with a significant other by my side.
I want to live in Boston, sampling wines every night as I revel in a world of creativity.
I want to be a street performer, both as a one-man dance show and by singing on the streets of the UK and Europe.
I want to live in Belfast, journaling my poetry and stories in coffeeshops every afternoon.
I want to read books.
I want to learn.
I want to write books.
I want to marry a French girl.
I want to marry an Irish girl.
(One or the other.)
I want to be a wine connoisseur.
I want to have spiritual struggles besides the ones regarding academics.
I want to have friends that do as the Proverbs say with the phrase "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
I want to help people in such a way that it'll be an irrefutably worthwhile use of myself.
I want to love what I'm becoming.
I want to go to Paris.
I want to fall in love with someone else who's never been kissed.
I want to dance till I bruise, then dance till I bleed, then dance till I pass out.
I want to be interviewed by Conan O'Brien.
I want to love what I do.
I want to know and respect something about everything.
I want to be limitless.

He's Too Clever

2011-11-14T18:22:00.001-08:00

Here’s an idea I had recently. What if God is pulling theclassic thing He seems to pull on lots of Christians trying to follow Him? Whatif He’s telling me to become a doctor only to give me a break and let me jumpinto the mission field earlier? I had felt like He told me to go to BostonUniversity in the fall of my senior year in high school, but the moment theapplication was in the mail, He said I wasn’t going there, and later redirectedme to John Brown University.

I’m already incredibly useful on the mission field. Like, really useful. If I was dropped off in some foreign country and got to work under a ministry, God could really use me well.

Granted, if I can predict a plan like this, He probably won’tdo it. He’s much too clever. Especially since the sermon He’s having me be theillustration for tends to need some follow-through. Then again, I’m sure thereare loads of sermons applicable toGod changing up plans and such.

Spiritual Brosies

2011-11-13T23:20:00.001-08:00

I miss having friends who are at the same spiritual pace as me, or ahead. I mean, I have those friends, but they're the type I hardly get to see, or they get stupid and aren't those types of friends anymore.

Granted, I'm not always ship-shape. But when I am, it always seems like the reason I am is so I can help someone else along, rather than have some mutual God-pursuit.

But I suppose that's what church is for. Too bad Sunday is my reliable catch-up-on-sleep-day-because-my-roommate-goes-to-church-on-Sundays-but-is-up-bright-and-early-on-Saturdays.

The Last Two Years

2011-11-13T17:59:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, I think that God tells me too much. He's pretty talkative when you ask what's going on, and you shut up long enough for him to answer.

I used to be SO jealous of my friends who seemed to hear from God so easily. I thought of them as little unthankful brats, spoiled and casually talking to God as they licked a lollipop. I used to want God to talk to me SO badly. Day after day, I'd ask Him to speak to me.
I was always jealous that my friends felt what God was doing. They described things with feelings, and then I'd be stuck thinking to myself, "Well, I don't feel anything." I used to pray for God to give me discernment, so I could feel and/or see demonic and angelic things.

Then there was my frustration as a freshman here in college. I was so full of God, with Him giving me sermons and teaching me lessons constantly. But I couldn't find any outlet, no way to release any of what I had in me. That first fall was so frustrating, with not being involved with ministry, that I went home devastated. I told my pastor about it, and he didn't have much in the way of answers. God only answered me with the word "knowledge", just saying that it was time for me to focus on learning. And it frustrated me no end. The year previous at New Years, God had laid out an entire semester's worth of things He was gonna be doing. The year had started out perfectly.

That New Years though, God wasn't all that talkative. I went back to school and was frustrated to the point that I dumbed down my Bible reading. Up till college, I had been reading several chapters a day, and had needed to do so in order to meet the needs of the spiritual hunger I felt. But that spring, I got so frustrated that I dumbed down my reading to just the Proverb for the day. It's still the Bible, but it's sorta the least spiritual, most practical part. I kept that up for maybe a month and a half till I was miserable enough to start reading the Bible again.

Then I went to Ireland for six weeks. I fell in love with Belfast, the Irish accents, and the gingers. But halfway through the trip, I learned through Facebook that my parents were getting a divorce. When I went back home, I thought I could stop it from happening. I knew that my being home before college and following God so much had kept a lot of this junk from happening before I left, so I thought I could make a difference. YFN came and I was scared of letting God go crazy with me, 'cause I felt like He had kinda ditched me that past year.

Then as the divorce was becoming more real, our family went on what my mom called a "Divorce-a-moon," and I was terribly perturbed. For the first time since the whole divorce thing had begun to go down, my mom sat with the children (besides the youngest, Alexandra), and we talked about it. Of course, we did so in St. Mark's Square in Venice, Italy. What a horrible way to experience one of the most romantic places in the world.

Then school came, and rooming with Adam Howard turned out to be one of the things I would miss most this semester. Since I had decided to be a sophomore during my freshman year, I switched to being a freshman my sophomore year, and I had a fun time with all of it. God and I still weren't great, but we weren't awful either.

Freshman transition would probably have ended that summer if it hadn't been for my parents' divorce. But since that happened, I spent my sophomore year mercilessly examining my insecurities, because I wanted to face whatever problems I might have inherited from my parents, not ignore them. Christmas Break came, and though I had largely blamed my mom for the divorce, I saw her as the wounded insecure human who didn't know what to do now that she was on her own. So I got past my judgmental stance and just saw the divorce as something that was done, so we needed to work with what we had.

Spring semester came and I felt myself leaving transition, having faced a lot of what I needed to face regarding my parents' divorce.

I went to Italy to study abroad, visited the very same places with our study abroad team that I had with my family the year previous. In St. Mark's Square, I experienced what I was entitled to experience as a single guy in one of the most romantic places in the world: that crappy feeling of not having a significant other there with you. Still, it was much preferable to the other option of sitting there drinking wine while disagreeing with your family's concept of love, which doesn't quite seem to fit what the Bible says about it. After Italy (and a brief hop over to Barcelona), I had the wondrous opportunity to visit Ireland again. With "Set Down Your Glass" and "The Planets Bend Between Us" by Snow Patrol on repeat, I soaked in Belfast. In Dublin I met up with Andrew Layden, and we went pub crawling. The country just feels so warm and friendly. I trusted my belongings in Irish hostels, whereas the hostels in other countries left me uneasy.

Then I went home for two and a half weeks, had just enough time to edit videos, practice skits, dancing, and prepare a sermon, and it was off to the Philippines for two weeks, where I became the most useful I've ever been in my life. And while it was a huge amount of work, I don't know that I've ever been more proud of what I've done in any other two weeks of my life. Missions work seems to be the only thing in life that makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something worthwhile, of value, 'cause no one can argue with the good of helping orphans and widows and the impoverished in their time and place of need.

Then I spent the last month of summer at home, editing videos, experiencing horrible jet-lag (13-hour time differences can really get you messed up), and finding out what state my family was really in. My youngest sister is taking the divorce the hardest, acting out like crazy and putting parents against each other. I frequently played the role of the go-between, making sure my parents didn't fight as they disciplined Alexandra.

Since I lost those two years' worth of blogs, I wanted to try to write some sort of summary of them down, so I'd have something.

Revelation

2011-11-11T08:04:00.001-08:00

Coffee, wine, cider, and 8-page research papers don't mix.

One Really Bad Thing About Majoring In A Science

2011-11-10T19:18:00.001-08:00

...is that you forget how to write a good research paper. I used to be able to crank these out like nobody's business, but now it's like everyone knows that business and I'm left being ridiculed for my business models.

Eight pages of research on stream restoration. I'm gonna know all kinds of crap about how to make streams better before tomorrow comes.

Practice What You Preach

2011-11-08T23:09:00.000-08:00

When I was first trying to bring God into our house in more concentrated doses (it's a good way to get shot down quickly), I remember telling my dad and brothers some piece of basic Biblical wisdom. My oldest brother's reply was something to the effect of, "You're one to talk. You mess up in that same stuff all the time. Practice what you preach." And he proceeded to ignore the sound advice because I wasn't living it out well enough.

I wonder if subtle undertones like that are what make people like me turn into superChristians. 'Cause I did turn into one. And no one likes a superChristian, 'cause they aren't real people. The thing is, when I give real advice to people, and it's good advice from the Bible, I'm often struggling with it myself. I gradually learned to always say something to the effect of, "And hey man, I'm struggling with this too. But the Bible says we need to..." even if I wasn't actually dealing with it at all. I was determined to be a good witness.

"Practice what you preach." I'm not a fan of the saying. Every good preacher either dealt with or is dealing with the problems they preach on.

Looking Forward

2011-11-08T22:38:00.000-08:00

Maybe this Christmas break, I'll hang out in a Starbucks and do the artsiest thing I can do well: write and edit stories and poems for publication. I asked my creative writing professor, and he referred me to a book with thousands of publishers. So maybe I'll write instead of just reading over this break. If one thing makes me feel dandy, it's knowing that all the work I put into things that don't quite matter too much can be for a reason.

I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas. A lot.

Go Fo' Broke

2011-11-07T23:40:00.000-08:00

I talked with God again. "Flicker" by Audio Adrenaline came to mind, as did the song "Undignified" by David Crowder. I do miss going for broke and getting lost in serving God, whatever the capacity.

Answers I'm Not Crazy About

2011-11-07T22:19:00.000-08:00

Well, after hours late at night in the rain talking to God, I got some answers. God and I went through Abraham's life story, then the part of Paul's that applies, and then through my own.

Two important points came up from those other two lives.

When Abraham decided not to put all his hope in God, he had Ishmael and began a whole religion that would go against the faith he was meant to found and promote, hence to this day there remains conflict in the Middle East as a result of his disobedience.

Paul, in the midst of kinda just talking for awhile in 2 Corinthians, talks about a thorn in his side, this thing that's holding him back from being everything he can be. He knew that he could do more for God if it wasn't for this hindrance, so he asked God to remove it. And again, and again. Finally, God just said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made complete in your weakness." (From memory, not actually quoted. I did a lot of playing with how they talked when I roleplayed them last night.) It's like the worse off Paul was, the better God looked. Paul scrunching into the fetal position allowed God to flex a little.

And that's basically the answer God left me with. I'm doing crappy because it makes Him look awesome. It's gonna show just how much I needed Him all along.

It's great, because who isn't a fan of going before the pre-professional committee at your school and trying to convey that the reason your grades are awful is because that's precisely how God wants them to be. And me trying my hardest is me just barely getting by.

Less Than Hopeful Direction

2011-11-06T15:13:00.000-08:00

Somehow, confirmation on what God has told me, and has been telling me for years, isn't comforting in the least. In fact, it only manages to upset me. It's that age-old problem of reality not matching up with the hope given me by God. I should probably feel awesome knowing that God has given me what he doesn't so easily give everyone. Direction. Yet here I am, pretty annoyed that it's the same direction, and, what's more, I'm supposed to be hopeful about how things are gonna turn.

And this season is supposed to be summer? Summer is my favorite season, right before I get to see the good results the Lord brings about in my life. Only, there's a reason why summer doesn't include anything involving my major. It's 'cause at the end of the summer, I tally up all the wonderful things that God has done in and through me. At the end of the semester, I don't have anything much to tally up. Yet that prophecy made it sound like I'd have something to tally up academically. It was real prophecy too, totally confirmation mixed with a lil' bit of near-future tense.

I probably need to get humble before God so He can bring about all the crap in my life that He wants to.

Prophecy Room

2011-11-05T12:56:00.000-07:00

Once each semester, the Prayer Ministry on campus hosts a 24-hour Prayer Vigil, where they have prophecy rooms. People who work in the prophetic giftings come over and prophecy over you and some other people for awhile. Last year, they were way off for most of it. This time, they were dead on.

They talked about how I'm a contortionist (a claim which I had only begun to make as of this summer in the Philippines), though more in a spiritual way. I see things in a unique and creative manner, and my perspective is different from most everyone else around me. All true.

They said that God says not to doubt Him just because I can't see what He's working out, that the puzzle pieces are going to come together.

Then they talked about how I'm stepping into a season of summer (my favorite season). It's a time to keep weeds and bugs out and keep my focus right.

Lastly, they talked about how I'm going to be a man of stature. And not "going to be" as in distant future, but, like, I need to start stepping into it. I'm going to be able to stand, shoulders back, head high, being fully confident in what I'm doing.

That stuff about the near future, is, to be perfectly honest, doubtful to me. I get told it ever so often by so many people filled with the Holy Spirit, yet reality doesn't seem to back it up.

Ugh, what the hole!

Since Sunday

2011-11-03T15:12:00.000-07:00

Since that last hopeful blog, I made a terrible grade on that test. Fortunately, I had already been yelling at God the whole weekend, so we were fine after I found out the grade. It's His.

I started watching the show Breaking Bad, which, along with being really good, also touches on a few chemistry concepts, which, to be perfectly honest, makes my studies seem a lil' more exciting. Of course, the show is about a high school chemistry teacher making crystal meth, but once again, when real life and science interact, it's much more engaging.

Not for the first time, tv based on science makes me care more about the subjects.

One Big YES

2011-10-30T23:22:00.000-07:00

I've said "no" to so much, I kinda forgot an important principle. Being successful isn't about saying "no" to the less important things; it's about saying "yes" to the things that matter, and that will (hopefully) tend to override the less important things.

Of course, all of this starts with saying one big "YES" to God. 'Cause really, concentrating on the affirmative rather than the negative is the best way to approach, you know, life and all. I have an Organic Chemistry test in the morning, but honestly, I'm just going to learn (cram) as much as I can tonight, and give it to God (and to the instructor in the form of a completed test). It's His, as is my time tonight.

So now, I'm going to say "YES" to Him and His offer to give me a hope entirely different from what I see. He can make the rest of this semester kick rear, and I wanna submit to His methods of doing so.

All Better.

2011-10-30T16:59:00.000-07:00

Driven again.

But I'm not going to say "no" to everything like I've been doing all semester. Next semester is going to be full of fun, as is the end of this one.

Against All Hope (Again)

2011-10-30T11:59:00.000-07:00

God and I made peace. Against all hope, I'm going to believe in the hope that He'll make my grades what they need to be (Romans 4-5). Meanwhile, I'm just going to do my best to learn. 'Cause I love learning, especially if I'm learning something that everyone else thinks I can't learn.

So yeah, essentially back where I was before the weekend. The reason this came up so rapidly, I think, is because this semester, I've been too preoccupied with other peoples' problems. Up until now, I was too busy with theirs to give my own problems any real attention. Something tells me that ministry will resemble that a lot.

Pulling That Patriarch Crap

2011-10-29T12:30:00.000-07:00

So, I went to sleep angry at God, but after lunch and a shower, we managed to kinda be on better terms. (It's mostly 'cause I know He always wins when we fight, so I figured that I should let it happen rather than drag it out.) I'm still gonna be working hard, but I expecting/not really expecting Him to show Himself in it. The ball is in His court (or, at least, that's how my lil' brain likes to think of it until He humbles me).

AND WHY ON EARTH IS HE CHOOSING TO PULL THE SAME CRAP ON ME THAT HE DID ON ABRAHAM??? IT WASN'T PLEASANT FOR HIM, AND IT'S SURE NOT PLEASANT FOR ME!

Real Christian Frustrations

2011-10-28T22:55:00.000-07:00

Once in awhile, every real Christian should go out by himself (or herself) and rant to God. As a real follower of Christ, I did so tonight. And when I say that I ranted to God, I mean that I ranted to Him about Him, calling Him out on what I perceive to be flaws and inconsistencies in what He's doing.

It was a long rant. A good 45 minutes or so of God getting to hear just what He should have been doing. In short, my grades are down (not that I expect differently anymore), I've turned down most extracurriculars in an effort to do better and appease the science department, and I find myself getting tired and fed up with myself for it. And the worst part is, I'm trying to submit everything to God the whole time! He makes me feel great, sure, but He called me to be a doctor. That means good grades. It also means not my grades. I don't have too heavy a workload either. Other guys in my major manage twice as much and sports and girlfriends.

It's frustrating, because without all the extracurricular things, without acting or making videos or performing, all I have to show for the semester is my grades. And since I'm insecure in that, it makes me feel insecure in myself.

Agh. There's more, but I'm tired, and I've been ranting for hours to God and people (about God).

Goodbye

2011-10-27T20:38:00.000-07:00

One of the most talented, lazy, and confused people I know is leaving for California tomorrow. It's partly because of him that hanging out with friends has had a larger focus on dirnking rather than just hanging out, because his theology and philosophy on life has been changing so drastically that he can't help but keep talking about it. All the time. And it makes us uncomfortable because the Bible isn't his foundation for it all, and it's hard to reason with anything like that.

But he's going to California tomorrow. He has some stuff to hash out with his parents. I just hope and pray that he listens to wisdom. I wrote him a letter to tell him what wisdom wants him to do (and to say general goodbyes), and I just hope he receives it well. 'Cause home is not going to be easy for him to go back to now.

Now our lil' friend group has been whittled down to just a few of us. I wonder how that'll go. I hope we all get to grow more spiritually. And dirnk dirnks for the sake of getting to know people rather than just to dirnk.

Dauntingly Beautiful

2011-10-26T22:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, life being dauntingly busy makes you focus on what's important to the point that life becomes dauntingly beautiful.

Like God.

I also finally settled on a new reading plan for my Word time. I'm pop, lock, and dropping Acts, and probably hanging out in those first few epistles after it. I was going for Genesis, to possibly clear through the whole Old Testament again, but I honestly got too bored. I'm not very involved in any ministry, not being challenged much spiritually besides with leading worship, so I don't easily find the drive to read anymore, at least not where I'd have to kinda power through the boring to find the exciting.

Talking with Adam Howard a few weeks ago, he asked me questions about charismatic beliefs and spiritual gifts. Despite having taught on it in high school, I've largely put those out of my mind since JBU. Schools as baptist as this one tend to have that effect. Where Adam used to focus on everything else and I on only the spiritual gifts, he has now become curious, and I had to try to remember all I had learned. It wasn't so hard, 'cause I did put countless hours into studying that junk. It's just strange to see where I'm at now. Most people at this school would not know what to do if a demon began to manifest in someone here. I've had experience with it.

Oh Life And Dreams

2011-10-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

Well, the good ol' science department required us to go to an hour-and-a-half session on how to study for the MCAT, the standardized test for medical school admissions. They recommend we begin studying at least six months in advance (that being the very latest time). I'm terrified and probably threw up a lil' in my mouth throughout the session, and now I'm ready to distract myself from the future.

After The Gathering on Sunday (where God talked to me a bunch), there was dance music on, and I let it take me and went crazy with it. Oh how I miss that. Along with being a doctor, a video editor, a preacher, and whatever else, I'm also aiming to be a one-man show. I know it'll do wonders for spreading some gospel 'cause I always stop to watch street performers if they're good enough. It's one of my plans to reel 'em in then smack the love of God in their face. BAM!

And tonight, I have to write about dreams for a nonfiction paper for my creative writing class. I chose dreams mostly (entirely) because they are one of my favorite parts of life. Not because I've lived the dream life as a child actor in Hollywood, but rather because my favorite part of the day is when I get to dream. Anyway, odds are that I'll post a shortened version on here, so please, hold your breath.

I Wish I Wish

2011-10-25T00:29:00.000-07:00

I really wish that I had time to be involved in a ministry on campus. Up till now, I did, but I knew I'd get too busy, and voila, I am. I like being in leadership with ministry 'cause it forces me to be way more accountable. If I crap up with God, the people I'm leading take a hit as a result, so I'm forced to do things right.

On the bright side, school being as hard as it is makes me look to God constantly. Otherwise, I get really depressed really fast, 'cause I ignore both people and God in my efforts to do well, and that's a good way to crap up your life.

Oh, and concentrating on God is great. It makes me miss the whole distance-crush thing I used to do, back whenever there was absolutely no mutual interest between myself and my crushes, and, therefore, no distraction.

It's That Time Again

2011-10-24T22:33:00.000-07:00

The time when the leaves start to change, there's a bit of a chill in the air, and the homework and tests all think, "Oh crap, half the semester just passed! We'd better fatten ourselves up and drown students in a hopeless pile of impossible." Needless to say (yet I say it), Organic Chemistry decided to use this week to assign homework due Friday and Monday (normally spaced out over two-week intervals), and have a test on Monday to go with it. And there's a Physics test tomorrow, and let's not forget that Mock Rock is this weekend, along with Halloween activities, and basketball season starts on Tuesday, so I'm going to be working now on top of everything else.

This semester was honestly feeling lazy till now. Fortunately, school and life being this hectic and busy tends to force me to concentrate on God, so thank Him for that.

Simple Answers

2011-10-23T20:43:00.000-07:00

I was actually beginning to wonder why I hadn't blogged much interesting lately, and I realized why: God tends to be the inspiration.

So I was asking God all about these decisions on dating, grades, performing, being busy, and everything, and He simplified everything a lot during worship tonight at The Gathering, the student-led service at JBU.

First off, give everything to God. He gave me bad grades in my most important classes to remind me of an extremely important detail: I need Him. At the beginning of the semester, my problem was that I was picking up on some things really quickly, especially in Physics, where most of it was common sense. So I had largely begun to think of myself as capable of handling the workload, kinda leaving God out of a lot of it. MISTAKE. If he's not the reason, the ability, and every bit of inspiration for a work you're doing, you are doing it wrong. So during worship, He had me give everything over to Him.

Next, the issue of dating came up, and I asked Him whether I should ask a certain someone out. In truth, I had largely felt the urge to do so more because the advice from most of my friends is to go ahead and ask her out. So I asked God, and He said that I should be falling in love with Him first before I tried falling in love with anyone else, and since I was struggling with falling in love with God tonight, it probably wasn't smart to go after a girl right now.

As long as I'm following His lead, I won't screw it up. Really. The problem that most of us tend to have is that we ask God for help, and ask Him if such and such a decision is the correct one, and then we ditch Him to go after whatever He directed us to. God wants to be the focus throughout. And He deserves it. As for me, if He's gracious enough to answer me when I call out in my distress, you bet He is entitled to every bit of commitment when I'm feeling rather dandy, not particularly feeling like I need Him.

Also, the songs with a fast pace and a strong beat help me concentrate so much during worship. I dunno if it's just that my body has something to do, or if it's my body actually feeling the music, which helps me connect to it spiritually, mentally, emotionally, or whatever other -ally's may be involved.

This Semester's Me

2011-10-23T00:15:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I like this semester's me. I hid behind my quirkiness as a freshman. I acted and modeled all the time for the last two years of college. No one could have guessed that I was a pre-med Biology major. Now, I don't try to be so quirky. I haven't acted and hardly ever model. People know that I'm a Biology major.

This feels kinda like a repeat of junior year in high school. That's when I dropped acting for the first time in my life. It's also when I first asked God if I should ask a girl out. The answer then was the clearest I've ever gotten from God ("NO!"). I was crazy about God, and He led me through everything, even giving me busy social weekends, which tend to be something I'm not good at making happen for myself.

I'm now starting to think about asking a girl out. It isn't a big deal for most people, but being raised in a private Christian school largely craps up one's view on dating, and gives you a false fear of it. I don't feel nearly as close to God as I did four years ago (which is in contrast to my feeling like a more spiritually mature person now), so my main fear is that I'll do what everyone else seems to do and ask a girl out, only to find that God wasn't so involved in the selection process, so it craps up.

The other fear, of course, comes from ye olde insecure divorced parents. God is the only thing preventing me from inheriting those ghastly negative traits from my parents that I so fear. And yeah, I previously did not have any real fears, but that is most definitely a real one I possess now.

Creative Non-Fiction

2011-10-19T21:21:00.000-07:00

Today, a new genre was introduced in our Intro to Creative Writing class. It's called Creative Non-Fiction, and judging by the 50 minutes the professor spent defining the genre, it's just a blog. And that's all.

Feeling of Accomplishment

2011-10-18T21:41:00.000-07:00

That last post was made before a shower. I felt ever so greasy and awful.

It's hard to keep a positive mindset. Like I said, I feel like it's a cartoon here, where there is always the same overarching plotline of making good grades, when the real story happens in living life. The problem is, I feel like I haven't had so many real stories. I mean, half a semester went by and I feel like all I have to show for it are grades. No acting, one modeling job, no making videos, and no real performances. My efforts to avoid getting distracted have only managed to make me demoralized. Granted, I like a lot of what I'm studying now. Especially research (though the poison ivy isn't helping that case). It's just that I don't feel like I've accomplished anything, like I've got nothing to show for my time right now.

I've thought about doing more vlogs, if only in small tidbits. Since I'm thinking of keeping my facial hair after No-Shave November, I might document it and show a little of my progression through my two years here.

The thing that originally gave me the most accomplished feeling, the greatest sense that regardless of what anybody says, I achieved something worthwhile, is the mission field. It's a selfless act of leaping into the unknown and relying on whatever you had prepared to get you through, clinging to God and casting everything on Him, 'cause if you for a moment lose focus on Jesus, everything you do on the mission field goes to nothing.

But I'm not there. And I haven't accomplished anything.

Stupid Cartoons

2011-10-18T17:25:00.000-07:00

Life at school is a cartoon. I come back and all the characters are familiar and act in the same ol' way for the most part. The only real conflict is grades, which makes me (the star character from my point of view) go through a lot of character development in dealing with those frustrations. However, this semester, the cartoon has lost much of its luster because I said "no" to other commitments and just concentrated on school. The only new midterm grade I got is that of failure from Organic Chemistry. No surprise there. But really, I wish I could at least have a chance to try at something that is actually pre-MED. But the only class at this school that fits that model is Anatomy/Physiology with the cadaver labs, and because this school so conveniently piled its science labs on the same days, I have to wait till next year for that.

It's frustrating.

And one of my best friends from high school (and since then too) is getting married in the summer while I'm in Uganda. I was going to be a groomsman.

On the bright side, I got to be friends with my brothers this weekend. Of course, the only way that happened was through talking about alcohol. That's brother bonding.

During This Fall Break

2011-10-17T23:21:00.000-07:00

I didn't experience the most relaxation in the world, but I did do a few things. I drank wine again, which was ever so good. And my parents were around, so that made the JBU covenant happy. And I went to a karaoke bar, which was loads of fun, 'cause everyone singing was like me, but in order to be me, they had to drink first. My sobriety=their drunkenness. I made a few more entries in my juice journal and (hopefully) won't feel that need for drinking on the weekends I've been feeling so much at school. But I might still feel it, and if I do, I've learned a lot, especially since my brother worked as a bartender till last week, so he taught me some of the cool lingo.

God and I should probably talk soon. I need to pick a new reading plan, since I finished what God told me to finish. Maybe alternating between old/new testaments? I'm thinking I'll aim for that.

Uganda Mission Trip 2012 Meeting

2011-10-13T23:18:00.000-07:00

I went to a meeting tonight for the Mission Trip to Uganda with my school. I get internship credit for shadowing a physician if I'm accepted into the program, so it's practical for my education.

And it's everything I want to do. They described it as basically getting a taste of real work. If I get in, this won't be like mission trips I've been on before. It'll be like going to work. Like, my future job. You know, waking up every morning, heading to the hospital, helping out with surgeries and delivering babies and such. I'll get a real taste of what God is calling me to.

I'm scared that I won't get good recommendations from the science department, but I stayed afterwards and talked to the team leaders about my past experiences (I've been to Africa twice and can shoot/edit video, which they could really use). I totally think I have a shot at getting in, being the only one of those who showed up who has actually been to Africa before.

And if I go there, I get to go to Europe afterwards. And who in their right mind doesn't want to go to Europe, given the chance. Even if only for a few days, I'm excited. And I might be just a lil' tempted to go to Ireland again, but go somewhere I didn't go to much before, like the Northern Coast, or somewhere brand new, like everywhere besides Belfast.

I just need a fun traveling buddy.

Tomorrow Is Thursday

2011-10-12T23:50:00.000-07:00

My favorite day of the week has always been Tuesday. I remember coming to this decision when I had violin lessons Tuesday nights. Mondays, of course, are when everyone is tired from staying up late over the weekend. Wednesday nights had youth group, but they were busy and I was always up late doing things. Thursday nights, I didn't do much, and the weekends tended to be unpredictable. But Tuesday nights always seemed like the eye of the storm, when I had the chance to catch my breath after two days of school.

Now, I think Thursday might be the (temporarily) new Tuesday. I get to sleep on Thursday mornings and the only concentration for the day is being ready to worship God for an intense hour of singing.

Hittin' Up The Gym

2011-10-11T16:42:00.000-07:00

Working out totally hit the spot. It was only a half hour of a lil' running and pumpin' ye olde guns, but it felt awfully nice. You tend to forget how complex the cardiovascular system is until you do a bicep curl and every vessel in your arm is like "WAIT, IS THIS MY JOB?" and they can't seem to take the hint that it's supposed to be an only-muscle event. Really awkward for all anatomical systems involved.

Emulating YouTube Unpopulars

2011-10-10T23:56:00.000-07:00

Watching YouTube videos late at night makes me want to try doing the old-fashioned talk-to-the-camera-style vlog again and challenge myself to edit it to the point where it's actually good. Some of the guys are just so funny and insecure. I could totally pull that off.

Pump These Guns

2011-10-10T23:42:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been getting too moody as of late. That could be blamed on lots of things, but the main urge I'm feeling is to start working out. I know, I know, it seems like the opposite of my favorite thing, which is to sleep, but I think my body wants me to work out, as do the ladies.

Also, it isn't healthy for me to use hypermobile joints to my advantage if I don't have a layer of muscle around them to support what they do. Muscle pain is much smarter than joint pain.

Judging Close Friends

2011-10-10T22:58:00.000-07:00

It's really easy for me to trick myself into thinking I don't have very close friends. My problem is that I tend to make it a policy to be as honest as I can when people ask me something. Granted, "How are you?" gets short answers that tend towards repetition, but that's only 'cause 'dupid America thinks that it's a greeting rather than a real question.

Anyway, because of that honesty habit, I tend to go without noticing when someone is confiding in me much more than in others. So when people are open and honest with me, I tend to think of it as normal rather than exceptional, and I assume a less-than-deep friendship.

I only tend to know that a friendship is deeper if the friend happens to tell me something to the effect of, "hey, you're one of my top brosies."

All of It

2011-10-09T23:56:00.000-07:00

One thing to note about giving things to God that I find important is knowing when to put people before homework. My roommate spent an hour tonight trying to kill a bug, and I was laughing and poking fun at him about it the whole time. He got incredibly stressed out because of the bug and my reaction to the situation. After he finally killed it, he accused me of trying to make him mad. I told him that some things aren't that big of a deal, so I reacted in a perfectly normal way.

We ended up talking it out to find that the big issue is that he was letting things stress him out, rather than giving it to God. In my opinion, the thing most Christians miss out on is giving the little things to God. You can give Him your life, but that's difficult to narrow down.

"Give God the bug in your life, whether it be a bug, a test, or a roommate."

He hates my sarcasm and his reactions to it are priceless.

Oh wait, the point of this blog. I gave an hour and a half to helping him deal with the situation. God made good happen despite both of us. And now I'm going to give Him the homework I finished and the homework I didn't, the time utilized and the time wasted. 'Cause all of it belongs to Him. And He's gonna make good on His end whenever the consequences come for this late night with minimal "productivity." 'Cause He's the faithful type.

I was so preoccupied with having a crush

2011-10-09T23:06:00.000-07:00

That I forgot the joys of flirting with strangers. They experience discomfort, which puts me at ease.

Oh Right

2011-10-09T20:29:00.000-07:00

The age-old lesson I forget when I'm being 'dupid. Give it to God. All of it. Don't say, "But I don't wanna expose myself that much!"God can freakin' see everything. He knows. And unless He tells you to speak to others about it, it's not that hard to give things up to Him kinda silently. He sometimes aims for that still, small voice idea.

But really, submit it, whatever "it" is for you, to God. Any and every it should be given to Him before you try pulling your own crap.

All For Him

2011-10-09T12:33:00.000-07:00

I know it's the simplest thing, but I just need to go back to why I was a Christian in the first place: to get to know God. Even now, I find myself trying less hard to excel in my studies and relationships, all because I'm not doing it for anyone. I lose my drive. When I do well, the reason I do so is because I'm doing it to dig deeper into God and get to know His will, and why it's His will. If my drive comes from people or a feeling of achievement, I'm doing something terribly wrong: I'm ignoring God. If He is the reason for what I do, what I do will bear fruit and make good things happen, both to me and to everyone around me.

In Reference To My Crazy People Blog

2011-10-09T12:26:00.000-07:00

...And sometimes, admittedly, I'm the crazy one, going against all logic and wisdom to claim that I don't have real friends, anything to show for myself, or a reason to do well. Of course, I have to try to ignore God to think this way. DOESN'T WORK, yet here I am.

Everything Is Funny

2011-10-08T13:39:00.000-07:00

Today, I was told something that brought back a host of memories from when I was first learning the wonders of humor. "Your joke wasn't funny" was the sentence which brought back what my brother would tell me all those years back, "You aren't funny."

My very first memory doesn't come with a face or a picture. I simply remember hearing someone laugh at something I said, and I discovered the feeling of inspiring laughter in a person. After I felt that, I aspired to make people laugh more, and began learning the art of humor.

My siblings always told me I wasn't funny. That's why, when I may have tried to have sibling bonding time, I never tried, 'cause I didn't trust them or their judgement. When bigger issues came up, I was never able to trust them because they gave me the advice to give up on humor.

That may seem a bit far, but I love humor. I don't know how to interact with the world without sarcasm. That's why I would practice being funny away from my family, at school and church, and I kept quiet at home and resented my brothers for their opinion on humor.

But if there's one thing I've learned about myself, it's that if I'm told I'm not something or cannot be something, I'm likely to decide that I'm perfectly capable of such. Katie Williams once told me (and apologized when I told her the story), "Some people just aren't meant to sing" in reference to my own abilities.

Anyway, the simple "Your joke wasn't funny" rekindled a world of rejection from my brothers and my own philosophy I had developed as a result. Everything is funny. The usual problem with humor is the recipient, not the joke. Somewhere, in some context, everything is funny. Tom Kenny, the voice of Spongebob Squarepants, has said something similar in saying that everything has the potential to be funny. Everything.

The Power Of Belief

2011-10-07T08:39:00.000-07:00

I love that I have worship class the day I find out that I got the worst grade of all my Organic Chemistry class. "You make beautiful things out of dust/us" came into my mind as the professor announced what the highest and lowest grades were.

And I talked to the professor after the class, and instead of saying what so many professors have said in the past, like "You won't make it to medical school with this kind of grade" or whatever, he said, "Don't let this faze you. I'm still believing that you'll pull out of this class with a minimum of an A-."

Belief, whether people believing in you, or you believing in God, makes things possible that are otherwise impossible. I'll do better in that class now. Just watch me.

'Dupid Friends

2011-10-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

I feel like this schoolyear mostly consists of me remembering important lessons I knew back in high school.

There are a few categories of friends. One is that acquaintance you talk to at dinner or in passing, or only in class. Another is that peer who's right there with you, dealing with everything you are at a similar pace. Then there are those who are ahead of you. That last group is made up of the people you need to try to spend the most time with because they won't be able to make much time for you. The peer ones are the ones you have the most chance to get close to and that you will learn from through living life with them.

Here's the thing; lately I've been doing things right with God. Like, better than in a long time. With that comes the shockingly unpleasant realization that I've joined that vast minority of people who listens to the voice of wisdom and God, and then obeys. It stinks, 'cause some friend groups are just plain frustrating. Some of my friends know how incredibly stupid it is to do things, yet they do it. Like, blatantly obvious simple stupidities and they just do them. Knowingly.

I hope God leads me to an Irish girl who can listen to sense and then comply. I'm not convinced that such a girl exists, but if there is such a human, that's the kind I'd want to be around on a permanent basis.

Thursday

2011-10-06T11:16:00.000-07:00

Thursday is my day of the week to be spiritual, artsy, and everything I feel excluded from by being in my major. I have one class, Worship Ensemble, at 2:45 in the afternoon. Since it's worship, all I do is come prepared to worship God (on key), and hang out with ridiculously gifted musicians.

Because it's worship leading, I feel accountable to be spiritually sound while I do it, so it disciplines me to make sure God and I are square.

And besides that, I try to hang out with people and pitch in with whatever ministry stuff my friends are involved in.

I only wish that I had more Thursdays in my life.

Oh Glee

2011-10-05T23:14:00.000-07:00

Oh Glee, your latest episode was ever so good.

The character of Mike Chang, the singing, dancing, genius Asian, is a rolemodel for half-African caucasian males like yours truly. If only I could dance like him.
And the talk of gingers in the episode, what with ginger racism and all. So good.
And the cover of "Fix You" by Coldplay.
Lastly, the real emotions in the episode. I just miss Glee being this good. It's why I watched it in the beginning.

Confession

2011-10-05T23:06:00.000-07:00

I have way more respect for artists than for, you know, the alternative. In labs, sometimes someone will make an offhand comment about how difficult Biology or Chemistry is, and how it would be so much easier to be one of the artsy majors.

For the most part, I hold in how wrong I think they are. All my major takes is hard work. Art comes from within yourself. You can be spiritually, emotionally, and physically messed up and still excel in science and math, but with art, all of that will drastically affect your work.

Saying No/Distant Fondness

2011-10-04T23:07:00.000-07:00

So with my schedule, I've begun to realize that I am having to say "no" to everything I've wished I had the opportunity to say "yes" to for the past two years of college. I've wanted to be involved in leadership with ministries, and now all my friends are in charge, and I've become a good student who says "no" when I have too much to do. I'm having to choose between things like the Talent Show and Men's Ministry, and I'm opting for the Talent Show because I honestly think I'll have more opportunity to utilize the skills I learn there when I'm doing ministry in the future. After all, a one-man show can be exactly what you need to get people to listen when you talk about Jesus.

I was so ready before. I mean, I thought I was. But now that I'm actually capable, not going through transition anymore, I am too busy to do what I always wanted to.

That brings me to another point. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. I knew it was true back when my oldest brother first went off to college, and he was the favorite sibling upon his return. And I was a favorite upon my return as well. Now I'm having to be a recluse in my room, and I'm thinking so left-brained, I'm afraid that I'll stop being quirky and awkward and turn into a human, and that I won't be able to hang out with friends, and even when I do, that they won't really know me much or prefer my company because they only get so many flashes of limited impressions I give them as I pop out of my dorm once in awhile.

But then I remembered that I tend to get quirky when I go into public after prolonged seclusion. And that those limited impressions will make people want to see more of me. It'll be a privilege to be around me. I've had friends like that before, who I hardly ever had a chance to speak to, but when I did, it was always an exceptional privilege worth working my schedule around.

Working Ahead

2011-10-04T22:43:00.000-07:00

Being the woolly mammoth I am, I have to shave so often it's borderline ridiculous. So my thought is this: maybe this year, the mustache-goatee combo will stay. I have a great rolemodel in Johnny Depp, who pulls it off ever so well. He and Jafar both inspire me. I can't wait for No-Shave November.

Oh the Irish

2011-10-04T21:07:00.000-07:00

Our speaker in chapel today was one of the leaders of Irish study abroad trips, the only authentically Irish one among them. Listening to him talk for half an hour was enough to make me remember why I miss Ireland so much. The redheads everywhere, the accents, the humor, just the feel of the place. Ah, I want to be there now. Snow Patrol can only take me so far. I just need to find a redheaded Irish-accented lass to travel about with me.

I have a weakness for redheads and accents. While I was studying abroad in Italy, one of our translators had a strong Scottish accent, and I had a crush on her for about a week before I stopped myself. And she wasn't very attractive either. That accent just reels me in.

The Cross=Perfect Example of Love

2011-10-04T20:45:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine, Jordan Weeks, just unofficially (but soon officially) dropped out of school partially because he thinks God gave him a big prophetic word, and partly because he thinks his major is stupid and he doesn't care about it.

Here's the thing; his parents aren't going to be okay with this. And he's not willing to deal with that. He has kind of a rebellious high schooler perspective on the idea of respecting your parents. After having dinner with the three of them, I realized that he feels kinda suppressed by them, and he doesn't think they can understand how he thinks or what he's doing.

As for his big revelation, he spends a lot of it dealing with love as an abstract idea, and since he doesn't think of the Bible as a baseline standard upon which everything else should be based, I wasn't really able to offer opinions or advice. I mean, my reading today in 1 John basically just said over and over that Jesus/God is love. That if we wanted a picture of love, all we had to look at was Jesus on the cross. And no further.

Jordan Weeks is quite possibly the most talented person I know, who is likely to waste much of what he has if he doesn't get the Bible as a baseline of truth. I suppose he'll switch religions if he doesn't. What a thing to think.

In another part of my life, the crush tried to make a comeback. And I seriously considered the idea of considering the idea of trying to date. Then I asked God if He was okay with that, then realized that God wasn't the one who initially pushed me in that direction and guided me through. If He isn't in charge, I'm gonna screw it up (and I probably will anyway). I need to follow His direction.

Impractical?

2011-10-03T00:30:00.000-07:00

I might be procrastinating here, but really, who wants to study for an Organic Chemistry test? Not I.

I'm beginning to wonder (at this very moment, 'cause I had to think of something to wonder about in order to keep procrastinating) whether it would be completely impractical for me to consider dating before medical school. I mean, I'm aiming for the Caribbean, but I could end up in the US too. Residency will also be in the US. So that means six more years till I'm done with schooling, and eight more till I get to work "for real." It makes me think that a girlfriend just wouldn't be a clever decision. It's why I honestly don't get past the initial thought to actually bothering to ask God if He's into the idea. But perhaps it'd be wise to talk it over with Him, considering that He does tend to be the Lord God Almighty, infinite in wisdom and power and love.

Having gone through my few 21 years without dating, I'm starting to notice my friends getting engaged. No pressure, but it'd be nice to try dating. I'd want to do the fun dating too, where I'm not "courting", but I am secretly planning to marry the individual. That'll get 'em.

Freakin' Left-Brained

2011-10-02T21:22:00.000-07:00

So, being a good student this year is changing things for me. Instead of constantly yearning to be creative and right-brained, I'm allowing myself to settle into left-brained activity a lil' more, which is weird to get used to. I didn't notice much of a difference at first, but now I feel like I'm losing quirks 'cause I'm so purposeful about things. I used to do a few things with a purposeful lack of purpose, but those are kinda drifting off, and I'm feeling human. Granted, humans are great. But I'm not really feeling as much like my old self in the fun ways as I wish I was. Instead, I feel like I'm only regaining my work ethic. Really healthy, right?

I just want to write poetry and edit videos for the rest of my life, and maybe not take an Organic Chemistry test tomorrow. But I suppose we all want crap like that.

Also, just because you stop having feelings for a crush doesn't mean that you stop having the thoughts. It's annoying.

Never For Attention

2011-10-01T20:57:00.000-07:00

It flies in the face of everything I've ever believed in, but tonight, I did something ridiculous. I left a dance party while it was in full swing.

EDIT

I went back. And I learned a lesson which I had apparently (and sadly) forgotten. I used to be the life of the party (but in a Christian way), and I was confused as to why this did not appear to be the case tonight. Then it dawned on me. I was doing it for attention. One of my fundamental rules of constantly adopting quirks and acting strange is that I must never, ever do so for attention; instead, I must get lost in the dance. After remembering this, I did get lost in the dance, if only briefly, and it scratched that itch I hadn't noticed was creepin' all over me.

The difference between loudly quirky and obnoxious is that obnoxious people do it for attention. Granted, I made up the different definitions, but somehow I can find a way to live with that.

In other news, WHY AM I, ONCE AGAIN, THE ONLY ONE IN MY WORLD WHO KNOWS COMMON SENSE AND IS ABLE TO LISTEN TO IT???

Downside To Well-Rounded

2011-09-28T23:49:00.000-07:00

This summer, when I told some people about my perspective on the idea of being well-rounded, someone said, "Now I'll play the devil's advocate. How do you deal with pride from learning to be good at so many things?"

I fumbled for an answer for a moment, then said "The moment I'm good enough at anything to get prideful, I'll let you know."

It's the big downside to being well-rounded; I'm not good at everything. I know that I am good at speaking, at writing (though the pre-professional committee disagrees with that), and at sleeping, and at humor, but beyond that, it's mostly a trying world where I'm constantly struggling to be good enough to be usable. Not good, but usable.

This is why, as I mentioned in a recent post, I need that individual aspect with God. He keeps me accountable and inspired. I complain to Him rather than to those around me when I am struggling. I keep working at it, and He keeps working in me, so that even though I feel like I'm constantly busy, I look back and realize that it's for a reason, and that He really has done stuff in me. He really has brought me from being virtually tone deaf a year and a half ago to leading worship (I use this example over and over because I still think it's ridiculous that I made this much progress in so little time).

The best parts of life are the parts where you learn the most by going through the hardest things. Without those parts, making it to the seasons of ease and pleasure isn't all that great.

Rolemodels

2011-09-28T23:35:00.000-07:00

I've accidentally stumbled upon different comedian-documentary-type movies lately, namely Man On The Moon, in which Jim Carrey portrays the life of comedian Andy Kaufman, and then Conan O'Brien's Just Can't Stop. I relate a lot to Conan, as he's the only tv personality I feel a great similarity to (though Jim Carrey used to be my rolemodel in that respect).

These guys are so incredible though. They work so, so hard to make everything the best possible thing it can be, whether it's a joke, a performance, or whatever else. And one thing Conan said in the movie struck me a lot. He said he talked to a fan who said that his friend had tried to talk to Conan, but Conan blew him off. Conan replied, "That is impossible" in the most serious manner, 'cause he really does do so much to make sure he can do something to thank his fans for their support, even though he just got done jumping around, singing, dancing, and sweating for hours.

After going on the missions trip to the Philippines this summer, I got a taste of the great ideal life I could live as a missionary. Being well-rounded means that I will be able to help with as many aspects of ministry as possible, from bringing practical relief through medicine to dancing to editing videos to leading worship, and to whatever else I can manage to learn. And throughout, I will need to be as energetic and friendly as possible, because I want to represent Jesus properly. The life I'm excited to live is also the most exhausting and trying life.

Things I legitimately plan to learn when I have the time, means, and inspiration: web design, After Effects, guitar (maybe piano), popping/tutting/shuffling/dubstep, audio tech soundboard junk, to use DSLR cameras, to use professional video cameras, necessary languages (but that's in the future), basic construction skills, basic car repair skills, different wines and alcohols, to do good accents, and probably a world of other things I can't think of or don't know about yet.

Love God

2011-09-27T20:53:00.001-07:00

God has called me back a lil’. In my habit of extremes, I’vegotten to used to the community mindset at JBU and negated to pay attention tothe individual mindset I grew up with. I’ve grown to depend on people dependingon me, to the point that if no one is depending on me, I don’t bother to workon my relationship with God. So today, God reminded me of why I first pursuedHim. It wasn’t because I was surrounded by great Christians, or because I wasbrought up right. It was because I genuinely wanted to get to know Him. It’sthe whole Love God, Love People thing, which, as simple as it is, is prettyeasy to get off-track with.

Community is good, but God is gooder. I need to remember myfirst love if I want to discover the rest of what love means.